It’s been said that butterflies, intense attraction, and that exciting magnetic pull are not always conducive to a healthy relationship but rather a familiar feeling, drawn from unhealthy patterns. That if we’ve not garnered the self-awareness and done the inner work, we unconsciously search out and seek relationships that initially feel right, good, and even comforting, but that, in fact, are often toxic and remnants of what we’ve been modelled and aligned with the belief systems we’ve formed.

Our unconscious is the driver. The decision maker. We will continue to repeat patterns and attract unhealthy partners, until we recognise those patterns and consciously make changes. And our unconscious will continually drive us off the cliff if we don’t slow down and take control. If we don’t do the work.

In my work, I speak to women all the time who are repeating patterns. It causes them pain, hurt, and sadness. They attract the emotionally unavailable. The men with narcissistic traits. The unfaithful. The angry. The manipulators. The controllers. The jealous. The commitment phobic. They attract everything they consciously don’t want and don’t understand why they keep falling for these men who hurt them or are even abusive to them. Never realising it’s because they are not consciously running the show.

The show is being run by what they’ve been taught. What they’ve seen modelled. The core beliefs they formed as kids. How they value themselves. The show is being run by the little girl inside of them who is often confused, lost, feels like they’re not enough, doesn’t love themselves, who perhaps didn’t have her needs met, and is now searching for what she knows, and what she knows is oftentimes unhealthy or toxic.

I don’t judge these women. How could I? I used to be her.

Upon reflection, I spent many years searching for external validation. Of course, I had no idea that was what I was doing. I just knew that it made me feel good. It filled something inside of me that I thought needed to be filled externally—never understanding that nothing and nobody could fill those voids. No. I needed to fill them myself. I needed to take control of myself. I needed to comfort myself. I needed to love the bits I believed were unloveable, because if I didn’t, I would attract those who didn’t have the capacity to love me the way I needed to be loved.

I needed to choose me.

Society is filled with women and men searching. Searching for something they often have no idea what they’re looking for. Is it sex? Intimacy? Love? Attention? Someone to temporarily show them they are loveable? Often finding short-term happiness. Fleeting moments where they close their eyes and think, “I am enough,” only to be harshly reminded that perhaps they aren’t, because they have once again attracted someone who doesn’t have the emotional capacity, self-awareness, or ability to love, due to their own unhealthy patterns. Round and round they go. And until they choose the inner work to unearth these patterns and change their unhealthy beliefs, they will continue on the roller-coaster of toxicity.

There’s a Facebook page that has taken off around the world and there’s one specific to several countries and cities. It’s called “Sis, is this your man?” The premise of this page is to create a safe space for women to check if the man they have started dating or about to date is a decent human being. If you’ve not seen these pages before, I highly recommend taking a peek as they are a terrifying reality check into what many are facing in the dating world.

These pages have outed abusers, cheaters, manipulative and dangerous men. But sadly, they have also outed women who are desperately searching for love in what seems like all the wrong places. Women who don’t feel whole without a man. Women who have forgotten their boundaries. Perhaps lost themselves. Women who need to dig deep and work on those things buried inside that have them choosing these men.

Sis, he is not your man.

I’m all too often saddened to see what some women will tolerate. How many times they have found themselves in similar situations. And how quickly they throw themselves back out into the dating pool. I get it. They don’t want to be alone. They feel they need a partner. They want a man to make them feel good, as they rarely feel good alone. They question whether this is as good as things get. Is there any better out there? What if this is their last opportunity to find someone?

They find themselves willing to forget disrespectful treatment. To ignore infidelity. To blame themselves if the man doesn’t commit to them. They find themselves in unsatisfying and often hurtful situationships. They may not condone all this poor behaviour, but they enable it. They enable it every single time; they turn a blind eye to it. They enable it every time they accept less than they deserve. They enable it every time they allow these men to cross their boundaries. They teach these men how to treat them, every time they accept sh*tty behaviour.

They cry themselves to sleep, with an inner knowing that he’s not the one. They become anxious, perhaps drinking more or using other unhealthy methods to distract themselves from the painful discomfort. It eats away more and more of the little self-worth, self-belief and self-love they have left. Yet they stay. He throws a breadcrumb and they stay. They tolerate. They convince themselves that the fleeting moments of good outweigh all the awful moments. They lose more and more of themselves. He has them hooked on this roller coaster and they can’t seem to get off.

Sis, he is not your man.

It’s nearing the end of 2024, and with all the education, books, awareness, and therapists out there who support people to break unhealthy beliefs and patterns, we are still in the same f*cked up cycle we’ve always been in. And that is, that as women, we are expected to accept less. That single is a dirty word. That being alone means you’re lonely. That we can’t meet our own needs.

It’s up to us to change it—to do the work on ourselves, to fill our own voids in healthy ways that don’t include copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, and casual sex—if when we wake up and look at ourselves in the mirror we don’t like what we see, if doing these things creates anxiety in us, if doing these things does nothing but give a temporary high before we are kicked to the curb. Before we are harshly and without regard left lingering in a muddy pool of self-loathing, loneliness, unworthiness, feeling like sh*t, and wondering how we got here.

This is not happiness. This is not healthy. This is not the life you planned on having. Fleeting highs and damaging lows. Feeling completely lost and trying to find yourself in the arms of a man who is so messed up he cannot possibly give you anything but heartbreak and pain.

Sis, he is not your man.

What my journey taught me is that nobody will love you the right way, unless you teach them how to love you. Nobody will respect you, unless you respect yourself. Nobody can fulfil all your needs, no matter how wonderful they maybe. It’s nobody’s job to make you happy. You can’t trust someone else if you don’t trust yourself. Nobody can prevent you from feeling lonely if you are disconnected from yourself.

Validation is for parking and if we keep seeking it, it will destroy us. Alcohol is never the answer. And being alone is an absolute gift, where you learn who you are and rediscover your self-love, self-belief, boundaries, and how to fill your own voids in healthy ways.

My journey showed me the amazing woman I am and that has nothing to do with whether I’m partnered or not. It’s all to do with me. My gifts. What I give to myself, family, and friends. The woman I am who lives with kindness, compassion, empathy, and who knows my worth.

Healthy relationships are beautiful, but they can also be hard work. It takes two people who are willing to heal and grow both alone and within the relationship. The issue I see is that there are so many people who have grown up with dysfunction, who have not had their needs met as kids, who have witnessed unhealthy patterns because sadly their parents had their own problems and were unable to recognise them and create a healthy environment for their kids, that cycle continues.

You only need to take a look on social media to see the dysfunction and the f*cked up beliefs some people are carrying around. If it wasn’t so toxic and even dangerous, it would be sad, but as a society, we are pretty bloody messed up. It’s a sh*tshow out there.

And our relationships suffer. We take every unhealthy belief, every unmet need, every poisonous pattern, and every destructive cycle, unconsciously, into every relationship we have. And those we are partnering with are bringing all their wounds and baggage with them also. Can you see why there’s so much toxicity and relationship breakdowns? Until we break these pattern and cycles. Until we do the work, because it’s up to us as individuals to do the work on ourselves. Perhaps we should all have some therapy before we enter into relationships instead of using partners to try and fix us. Partners who usually have their own demons so have absolutely no capacity to be available for another.

Fill your cup with self-love. Fill it with good friends, family, your kids. Fill it with purpose and passions. Rediscover yourself as a woman. Reconnect to your soul. Then you won’t need the stranger at the bar who is looking for sex or swiping on the apps that from what I’m told are a dumpster fire of broken people. Because they are not relationship material. They are not going to bring you anything but heartache. Yes, they may validate you. Make you feel beautiful. Make you feel desired. Less lonely perhaps. Until when? The next morning? Or perhaps a few days or weeks? Or maybe it will be a few months of riding the roller-coaster from hell, where you’re left more tattered and torn.

Because when you’ve not broken those patterns or those cycles, you will remain in this space of discontentment. Floundering. Continually trying to distract yourself. You will continue to search, but you are searching from the unconscious, and that will continue to lead you to all the wrong places—and place you in the arms of all the wrong men.

There’s so much to life and love. There’s so much to who you are, with or without a man. Your value and worth does not rely on your relationship status.

Sis, he’s not your man.

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