Energy vampires drain our emotional energy.

Spending time with them leaves us feeling worn out, overwhelmed, or stressed.

It’s not always reasonable to cut energy vampires out of our lives though. What if this is a parent, child, sibling, or someone else we want to maintain a relationship with? What if it’s one of our closest friends or a partner who is going through a rough season and is stuck in a deep funk? We know they’ll eventually emerge, but right now, every interaction with them is depleting.

The fact that they drag down our energy and leave us exhausted isn’t the only problem. They also make zero space for us in the relationship. They’re so focused on negative life circumstances that it’s almost as if we don’t exist. They don’t ask for advice, or if they do, it’s like they’re not even listening. When we try to change the subject, they find a way to circle it back to the same few topics. They don’t ask what’s going on in our life, not really anyway. They may ask but then glaze over waiting for a way to bring the conversation back to their complaints and grievances.

What if we’ve already tried bringing this to their attention and nothing has changed? Now what?

Since we know we want to maintain the relationship but there’s no hope of getting them to show up differently, we have to take good care of ourselves when interacting with them. Here are nine things we can do to make this situation as painless as possible.

Before the Interaction:

Put a boundary on time together.

We forget that we are able to control the circumstances. We don’t have to pick up the phone every time they call. We can choose when to see them, set a time limit for how long that will be, select the setting, and decide whether it’s a text thread, face-to-face, Zoom, or phone call. These are just some of the options. It’s important to consider how much energy we have available to sacrifice without getting completely drained.

Be intentional about energy.

We so often walk into scenarios on default and end up slowly matching the strongest energy in the room. We don’t take note of whether we’re already tired, irritated, or stressed out, making us overwhelmed all the faster. Because we know this person is going to drag down our energy, we need to pay attention to how we feel ahead of time. When we enter this experience with a strong sense of ourselves, it’s easier to maintain.

Use the interaction as a workshop.

We feel like our hands are tied, but really, we are choosing to have this experience. We could have said no. Since we didn’t, we can play a little game with ourselves and use the interaction as a workshop. What is a relationship skill we want to get better at? Validating someone? Active listening? Reading body language? What an opportunity to practice something with a really tough customer!

During the Interaction:

Tune out of the conversation and tune into breathing.

We think we have to be fully present in every conversation, but the good news about someone who is singularly focused on their own experience is that they’re not paying that close of attention. We can take a minute to withdraw our attention from them and focus it on our breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Put feet on the floor. We may be having an unpleasant human interaction, but it will end at some point and our amazing physical body will stay with us long after.

Pay attention to emotions and name them.

We don’t have to be afraid of our emotions. In these situations, we’re going to have a lot of them. Watch them as they arise. What feeling is coming up? Anger, frustration, righteousness, resentment, jealousy, and so on. What are the exact feelings we notice when we are with this person? These are our emotions. They are our internal reactions to what is happening. Understanding our emotional landscape is a wonderful way to grow emotional intelligence.

Be a relationship scientist.

We can use unpleasant experiences as data collection. Energy vampires tend to stick to similar topics. They predictably get wound up about the same types of things. Use the opportunity to be a good observer. What are the topics they bring up that drain you the most? How can you tell that they’re getting triggered? What patterns do you notice? We can use this information in the future to try and avoid some of their really energy-draining behavior.

After the Interaction:

Write for a few minutes.

We don’t have to give up on the desire to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. This person may not be giving it to us, but we can give it to ourselves. Let’s take a few minutes to write in a journal. We can write the things we would have said, shared, or pushed back on if space had been made for us. We can come back to the observations we made. We can think about what worked, what didn’t, and what we’ll try next time to protect our energy.

Do something energizing to reclaim energy.

We’ve been sucked dry. That’s what can sometimes (often, always) happen when we spend time with an energy vampire. It’s time to replenish that energy. What works best? It’s always good to have a short list of energizing activities. Take a nap, read a book, have a snack, drink some water, scroll uplifting accounts…let’s take a few minutes—or as long as we need—to begin to feel like ourselves again.

Contact someone we feel really connected with.

We have so many wonderful and healthy relationships in our lives. This is not one of them, or at least it isn’t right now, and it’s easy to get really down about relationships in general after one of these experiences. We can immediately text, email, call, or contact someone who makes us feel connected, really gets us, and will make us laugh or feel rejuvenated. It’s so important to remind ourselves that we’re actually doing great.

This is a long list and the last thing we need when heading into a difficult, energy-sucking situation is to take on too much. Choose one of these things to try and see if it helps. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep connections with people who exhaust us. We just need to be mindful and self-nourishing about it.

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