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*Author’s Note: Of course not every man is an angry man. This article isn’t attacking men. It’s calling out the danger of unregulated emotions and the harm they cause. 

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“Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.” ~ Dr. Phil McGraw

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Society has this toxic belief that women are these emotionally fragile creatures because, for the most part, we actually show a range of emotions, and for some reason that is seen as weak.

It’s normal for women to cry, show sadness and pain, yet we’ve conditioned our men not to show their emotions, because, well, apparently they are strong and showing emotion is weak.

Yet we live in a world of angry men. Men who beat their wives. Men who verbally abuse their partners. Men who fight. Men who start wars. Men who are so emotionally unregulated they are ticking time bombs.

Newsflash: Anger is an emotion. It’s the emotion that manifests when we are anxious. When we are scared. When we feel hurt or disappointed. When we are frustrated or confused. Anger happens when we have no idea how to emotionally regulate ourselves and deal with our human emotions. Be it man or woman, we all feel. It’s part of the human condition. It’s part of our psychology. And stifling our emotions is so damaging that it’s sometimes dangerous.

Actually, it’s always dangerous.

Anger is also a normal emotion, when it’s regulated and in context. Interestingly, it’s okay for men to be angry. In some people’s minds, it’s even masculine. Yet an angry woman is hormonal. She’s moody. She’s a b*tch. Why can’t all emotions be valid for both men and women? The patriarchy wasn’t created that way, and it’s still hurting everyone. So we encourage men’s anger to the point of abuse and killing, and we stifle women’s anger because it’s unbecoming of a woman. What a f*cked up world we have created.

Here’s what happens when men cannot regulate their emotions. They “make a pass” at a woman; she isn’t interested. He feels rejected and instead of managing that rejection, he explodes in verbal abuse. Or he stalks her. Or he abuses her. Or, sadly, what the world is seeing in greater numbers: he kills her. All because he felt rejected. Does this sound healthy to you?

How many times as a woman have you politely declined someone’s advances, only to have them turn on you and spray you with vitriol? How many times have you been catcalled or leered at, and when you ignore, you are verbally abused for not reacting favourably to this behaviour? How many times have you been followed by a man?

Angry men are dangerous men. And yes, before anyone says not all men, of course, it’s not all men, and some women are also emotionally unregulated. But let’s be honest: we have far more angry men acting in abusive and threatening ways than we do women.

We need to stop this unhealthy and toxic narrative that men shouldn’t show emotions because so much of what I see on social media is angry, bitter, and resentful men projecting all their pain onto others. We are each responsible for our emotions, and it’s up to us to find ways to emotionally regulate ourselves.

We need to stop enabling horrible behaviour. We need to stop expecting that women are going to fix the problem and start expecting that men are responsible for their own actions. And as parents, we need to start raising our kids in emotionally stable homes where safe spaces are created for both our sons and daughters to have their feelings seen, heard, and validated. Stop telling little boys it’s weak to cry and stop telling little girls that it’s normal for boys to be mean to them.

As a therapist, if my clients are feeling angry, I ask them what’s underneath the anger. So often when you break it down, they are actually hurt, anxious, scared, or even grieving. Here’s the thing: it’s easier to feel anger than to sit in the discomfort of many other emotions. Yet those other emotions are there for a reason and they are not going to disappear until they are worked through. Anger stops you working through and regulating your emotions. It stops you from addressing your needs in a healthy way. It stops you taking responsibility for yourself, your behaviours, and your actions, and instead has you blaming others. It’s a mask that’s worn to hide what’s really going on.

Constant anger is weak. It’s for weak people who cannot face their real feelings.

So we live in a world where women are seen as the weaker sex because they are emotional. Yet everyday we are shown how angry some men are and never correlate that to weakness. Women are carrying the mental load for families. They are seen as weak, yet also b*tchy if they are angry. They are called out for having higher rates of antidepressant use and seeing a therapist, like it’s a negative thing. Yet more men die by suicide because they don’t seek support. They have been conditioned to believe it’s weak to be vulnerable. And instead of looking at the way men behave in society, women are blamed. When will it sink in that being emotionally unregulated and using anger as a way to get through life is killing both men and women? Men taking their own lives and sadly taking women’s lives as well.

If men sought therapy and support at the same level as women, perhaps we wouldn’t have this insidious anger rippling through society. Perhaps we wouldn’t have the level of harm and domestic violence that we are witnessing. Perhaps we wouldn’t have so many children growing up in toxic and volatile homes. Perhaps we wouldn’t have so many men blaming women for everything that’s wrong in their lives.

I have an adult son, and I have raised him to show his emotions. To talk about what’s going on in his world and to ask for help if he needs it. Why do we want to raise our boys to mask how they feel? To pretend they’re good when they’re not? Why do we bully men who cry? Why do we use such ridiculous and meaningless terms like simp and beta when a man advocates for a woman? I really do not understand with everything we know, and poor mental health being at an all time high, and with men taking their lives in growing numbers, why we continue to condition our boys to grow into men who cannot regulate their emotions. Why are we setting them up to feel so much pain but hide it? When will we learn?

I know there will be some angry men who read this and the first thing they will do is blame women. They will blame the court system. They will recite the percentage of women who start divorce proceedings versus men. They will potentially attack me. But what they won’t do, what they never seem to be able to do, is reflect on their own actions and behaviour. Their inability in taking personal responsibility is destroying them and their families. Projection is another weapon used to avoid feeling and dealing with one’s own emotions and feelings. Bitterness and resentment are poisonous.

Hurt people, hurt people. When people are in emotional pain and they can’t process their feelings and regulate their emotions, they lash out. They hurt others. And when it comes to men lashing out, sometimes that can be deadly.

So in 2024, instead of belittling women for trying to take control of their mental health and calling them weak, why don’t we start advocating for more people to seek professional support? For more men to step up and take responsibility for how they feel, act, and behave? Why do we continue to equate masculinity with strength? Why aren’t we calling out anger for what it is, and that is an emotion? When will we stop enabling sh*tty behaviour?

I don’t want to hear another story of a man who is so emotionally unregulated that he beats his wife or kids because his football team lost. I don’t want to hear another story of a woman being abused or killed because she rejected a man. I don’t want to hear another story of a man who uses coercive control and threatening behaviour, instilling fear in the woman or children he is supposed to love. I don’t want to hear another story where a man rapes his partner as he feels entitled to sex. I don’t want to hear another story where a father loses control at his kids sporting match. I don’t want to hear another story of where a man is frighteningly jealous because he feels he owns his partner.

It needs to stop and we need to call these men out. All of us, men included—if your mate acts like a d*ckhead, call him out.

Let’s stop enabling angry men, like it’s normal.

These are emotionally unregulated men. These are weak, scared men who use anger because it’s the only emotion acceptable to feel. Angry men are dangerous men, and the sooner we call it out for what it is, the sooner we can start to fix the problem.

How angry are you?

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