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We all seek mature romantic relationships.

But no matter how emotionally healthy we think we are, at the end of the day we are imperfect and the victims of our own minds.

Today I came across a quote on Instagram that stopped me in my tracks. Yung Pueblo writes:

 

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“Maturity in a relationship is when you catch your mind as it is creating a false story about your partner, which is based on inner tension that is unrelated to them.

Self-awareness helps decrease unnecessary conflict.”

The truth is most of the conflicts in my relationship are indeed unnecessary. Arguments in a relationship are usually a catalyst for change. They tell us that something is wrong and we should handle it as soon as possible.

When my relationship dynamics shift, it is generally a sign that a (healthy) conflict is looming. My husband and I communicate consciously about it then gracefully move on.

There’s another type of conflict, however, that’s unhealthy and, as Pueblo explains, is based on inner tension that’s usually unrelated to our partner. Unfortunately, that type of conflict is extremely common among couples. It ruins relationships and puts tons of pressure on both partners if it happens on a regular basis.

When outer challenges block our ability to show up fully in our relationship, we might take our frustration out on our partner and make up false stories in our heads about them. When I (or my husband) do that, we know deep inside that it’s nobody’s fault; it’s just our minds making assumptions and seeking a familiar space where we can safely unload our messy feelings.

Although we’re mostly aware of this toxic dynamic, we can’t always control ourselves and we end up fighting because of something that is totally unrelated to each other…stress has a funny way of showing up in our behaviors and actions.

Realistically, our partner isn’t the only source of our stress and difficult feelings. So it’s impossible to consistently feel disconnected because of them. But taking responsibility for our discomfort and stress is hard. Despite the negative impact that unnecessary fights have on our relationship, we take out our frustrations on our partner because that’s the only way we know.

What if there’s another way? If we practice self-awareness and take responsibility for our own complex feelings, we can change the whole dynamic in our relationship. We must learn how to filter our emotions and perceptions before snapping.

Ask yourself questions like:

>> Is my partner really the cause of my anger, stress, discomfort, or confusion right now?

>> Am I holding back on kindness for my partner because of unrealistic thoughts?

>> Can I work this out on my own first before becoming irritable?

>> Why am I depleted? I will scan my day and try to figure it out.

Making connections between our triggered feelings and the events in our day can help us identify the real source of our stress instead of automatically taking it out on our partner.

Maturity in a relationship looks like empowered, honest, and concise communication so we can learn how to process difficult events and emotions with our partner—not alone.

~