View this post on Instagram

There have always been negative expressions meant to target single women.

In French, a childless woman who has never been married is often called an “old girl,” as if she was denied womanhood by not having been “chosen.”

“Cat lady” has also been used pejoratively again recently, but this time there was a backlash, which is healthy because the people who talk negatively about cat ladies are the same people who want to maintain a status quo they can benefit from.

I am a power and sex coach for women. I work with a somatic approach, and what I want to bring into that discussion is the impact this language has on a woman’s nervous system and her life.

This is no light topic.

I am 50, and in my adult life, I have spent about 50 percent of the time in a partnership and 50 percent of the time single. I know, through my own experience and through the experiences of my clients, how these words can impact a woman’s self-worth and lead her to compromise her well-being through poor relationship choices.

Last summer, I went to a restaurant in my village. And the owner, a lady who has seen me coming and going since I was 26, asked:

“And you, did you do your life?”

Another French expression, “do your life” means having a husband and children.

It’s so embedded that a woman needs to build a family to have a life. But it was funny to see her face freeze when I replied: “Yes, I lived and worked in three different countries; changed careers twice; lived in a Tibetan monastery; learned from the best mentors, including the Dalaï Lama; and surfed every morning for 10 years. Sounds like a life to me, even if no one ever asks me about all these extraordinary travels and experiences.”

She walked away quietly.

I didn’t have that confidence in my thirties. Like most of my clients who stay single for a while, and because of this social pressure on women, I felt like a failure.

And this is exactly the problem.

Desiring a relationship or desiring kids and not having them can already feel sad, depressing, and lonely. Then on top of it, the culture points at you like it’s your fault.

Whether it’s the patriarchy, who’d rather have us at their disposal than happy. Or the cosmetic, diet, or gym industry making millions on us feeling not something enough. Or the New Agey, self-development, bullsh*t gurus pretending we don’t do or think the right thing to “attract” what we desire, what our nervous system registers is shame.

Shame is like an internal police officer keeping us trapped in jail. When it creeps in, our power gets locked in as well.

Because now, we’ve switched from “single” being a relationship status, meaning it can change if that’s what we wish, to “single” being our identity.

It becomes our felt identity. And our thoughts will always align with our state of being.

I see this all the time when I coach women who have been single a while and desire to be in a romantic partnership. They don’t believe it’s possible for them. They became “the single one” or the one who is “bad at relationships.”

I remember experiencing the same phenomenon in my late thirties. I spent two years single. I felt like it was the end of my love life and I was terrible at relationships—and I was only 38! Luckily, I met someone who was really into me, and one day we were in a relationship that felt so normal and like the biggest surprise.

Single, married, divorced—this is not who we are. People swing from one status to the next every day, all around the world, at all times. But it makes me so angry when I think about the misery I could have avoided if I hadn’t been penetrated by this patriarchal pressure.

Now, I want to share a story that illustrates how far this can go.

One day, I went to the hospital to visit a friend who was struggling after years of being in an unhealthy relationship. Her partner was one of these insecure men who talk about “cat ladies,” and claim women are always happier at home taking care of their husband and kids.

I want to first say that until that day she was an incredibly stable woman who worked hard and was appreciated in her career. She was also a mom who raised two beautiful children who are doing good in the world. And I’ll skip over the part where her partner would say things to cause her to drift away from our relationship. I guess he perceived me as a threat because of my job and my lifestyle.

But what I found fascinating was that more than 95 percent of the patients in that hospital were women. And the vast majority of them were in the hospital because of unhealthy or abusive relationships.

All the women I had a chance to talk to were feeling shame and fear about being on their own in the world.

My friend kept saying, “The psychiatrist asks me everyday, ‘Are you sure you’re done?’ and of course I am. I already talked to my lawyer to start the divorce process.”

I knew why he was asking again and again. I knew what could happen. She had the financial resources and the emotional support to care for her children if she walked away, but she didn’t know who she was if she wasn’t at a man’s disposal. She made men the center of her universe.

And she felt a lot of shame about being single. So much so, that she did eventually go back.

I know there are several factors that can lead women to seek help, but I can guarantee you this feeling of failure is playing its part. And while this example may seem extreme, how many women do you know who have settled for mediocre relationships to avoid being single?

You know what I see when I coach a “cat lady”?

That her house is safe from the patriarchy.

That her house is safe from abuse.

That her life force isn’t leaking as she tries to co-regulate someone who is easily dysregulated.

That she’s strong enough to not give up on big love, despite all the ongoing, inappropriate questions people ask.

That freedom is an important value to her.

That she holds a deep knowing, in her core, that she is not here to serve.

That she is the kind of woman a secure man (or woman) will want to be with.

What broligarchs and masculinists don’t want you to know is this:

You can be a cat lady and be lovable at the same time.

Because once women truly know this, these men will end up alone with their dysregulated, unevolved nervous system, throwing tantrums like the toddlers they are.

Envying all the cats who, since the beginning, have done way better than them.

~