I was in bed reading a book when my 18-month-old walked into the bedroom.

He was wearing his cycling helmet and pointing at it with his little fingers. When I looked at his feet, I burst into laughter. He was wearing my shoes, which, of course, were bigger than his whole lower leg.

I asked him if he wanted to go for a bicycle ride with his father. He slightly raised his tiny eyebrows, shook his head, and told me “no.” I couldn’t stop laughing, and when he left the bedroom while tripping in his oversized shoes, I couldn’t stop crying.

He’s been saying no to everything, even when he means yes. But in a few months he will know the difference between the two and use them simultaneously. He rarely wears his cycling helmet and in a few weeks won’t be interested in wearing my shoes either.

When I look at his tiny face, I see how it’s changing every single day. A few months ago I couldn’t put his hair in a ponytail; now I tie it all easily. His eyes were darker, his hands were smaller, and his legs were chubbier. He used to offer me his food, but now he only pretends to feed me.

I’m in love with him at every stage of life, but the problem is I’m not accepting change.

I grieve the funny things he does.

I grieve the toys he stops using.

I grieve the lullabies I sing to him.

I grieve his giggles.

I grieve his tiny feet that smell like pine and jasmine. 

I grieve the clothes that no longer fit.

I grieve the future when he won’t need my breast milk anymore.

I grieve our contact naps.

I grieve his innocence that will slowly dissipate.

No one told me I’d be going through so much grief on this lifelong path of parenting. Our children grow and change, but we forever remain attached to the tiny human beings whom we have raised. How do they get so big so fast?

We need to do the same. Like our children, we need to grow and change and…let them go. I’m letting go of my child—but not in the way you might think.

I’m letting go of my insistence to keep him little and sweet and unpredictable. I’m letting go of who he is every single second because he’s growing so fast. He is my child, but every morning when he wakes up and the sun shines on his glowing face, he is a new child to me.

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

I need to accept who my child is becoming and give myself time to embrace all the complex emotions that engulf me day in and day out. But I also need to accept the fact that it’s okay to have mixed emotions. It’s okay to enjoy his childhood…and it’s okay to miss it already.

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