No, it’s not cheating.

Of course, cheating hurts—so does dishonesty. And dismissal. And lying. And…and…and.

But there is something we often do that is detrimental (and extremely common). It’s painful and shocking and we might find ourselves doing it time and time again without minding the consequences.

Staying respectful and kind is a no-brainer in any healthy relationship. But sometimes we forget all about respect and kindness and say hurtful things that linger in our partner’s mind for a long time. That’s how anger infiltrates our relationship and makes an appearance out of nowhere.

Saying hurtful words is the most painful thing in a relationship because it is often accompanied by surprise and shock. Since we expect nothing but thoughtful words, hearing the opposite might disappoint us.

Why do we do it then? We might hurt our partner with our words because:

1. Familiarity. When someone we love becomes familiar, we automatically become too comfortable, which might trigger occasional rudeness or unkindness.

2. We take our partner for granted. We know deep inside that no matter what we do or say, our partner is going to be there. So we don’t make an effort to be thoughtful.

3. Stress. Feeling overwhelmed or stressed usually lowers our distress tolerance, making us more susceptible to anger or rudeness.

4. Emphasis on emotion. Sometimes the only way to properly express our anger or sadness is to hurt the other, so we accentuate our perspective through our words.

5. Loss of control. Maybe we’ve said a word or two that are painful and now we can’t stop because we’ve lost emotional control.

6. Punishment. We think if we say hurtful words, we punish our partner by making them feel bad or guilty.

7. Desperation. As a last resort, we might intentionally hurt our partner when we’re upset. So out of desperation, we use hurtful words to provoke them. We want our partner to know we’re upset or disappointed with them.

There might be other reasons that trigger hurtful conversations, but whatever it is that we say, it’s not always true and we don’t always mean it. Practicing emotional regulation during times of conflict or crisis is often hard.

However, even if we don’t mean what we say, the damage that we inflict is massive. Responding in an unhelpful manner triggers feelings of defensiveness and pushes the person on the receiving end to feel isolated and misunderstood.

When we’re tempted to react negatively, it’s helpful to remember a few things:

>> Consider whether you’re avoiding confrontation or ignoring childhood traumas that need addressing.

>> Practice self-reflection before lashing out.

>> It takes time to build healthy communication.

>> When emotions run high, breathe and think of other less-harsh alternatives.

>> Reflect on the damage that hurtful words create before expressing them.

Choosing our words wisely go a long way. It’s crucial to prioritize respect and kindness in our relationships so they can survive. So the next time you feel like saying something cruel to your partner, stop. You can do better.

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