We often talk about the things that improve our relationships.

But we rarely talk about what destroys them. Maybe we’re too ashamed to admit that we’re intrinsically flawed or unable to maintain a healthy relationship all the goddamn time.

Maybe, deep inside, we understand that everything we know about love and what keeps it alive might be wrong. At the end of the day, we have learned how to love through our parents and we can’t help but show affection in the same way they do.

As we grow older, we break many patterns that don’t align with our values anymore and turn the page so we can move on from what’s messy and ugly. We form relationships and fall in love many times and although we learn and show up in better ways every single day, there’s a space within our subconscious mind we can’t always access.

That space holds deep within it multiple false beliefs that have stayed with us throughout the years. They influence our words, behaviors, and actions and might in fact be the reason behind all our failed relationships. Unfortunately, we might not be aware of them, but they are aware of us. No matter how many patterns we may break or how hard we may work on ourselves, we can’t always get to the bottom of our false beliefs.

To this day, I’m still trying to overcome the beliefs that have limited my own relationship. They have tainted my thoughts and emotions and forced me to come to terms with my reality. I see them manifesting in my relationship every single day, and I know I have to do something about them.

Here are five false beliefs that have personally hurt my love life:

1. Fighting is bad. Everybody says that fighting is bad. I call bullsh*t on that. Fighting is necessary in all relationships because it takes partners on a new journey where they learn more about themselves and each other. As long as arguments don’t hold any form of abuse, couples shouldn’t fear occasional conflict. We should enable arguments that create connection, empathy, and deeper understanding.

2. Your partner should complete you. I read somewhere that your partner should “complement” you, not complete you. Wow. No one can ever make us feel whole or unconditionally happy. I don’t think it’s healthy or genuine anyway to expect that kind of love as it may be codependent. But I love the idea that partners need to work together so they can become and do better.

3. Love is enough. Love is never enough. It doesn’t create happy relationships. It doesn’t keep couples interested. Healthy relationships require more than idealization. They need fundamental values and compatibility so they can thrive. They need things like respect, trust, effort, commitment, and honesty to keep the spark alive. Without similar values, couples can’t make their relationship work, no matter how hard they may try.

4. Patience is key. Patience is important, yes, but it can also be dangerous. Sometimes being too patient leads us to overlook our partner’s poor behavior and enable unhealthy patterns. Personally, I don’t think that patience is what’s really necessary; it’s wisdom and awareness. Wisdom helps us to make better decisions and learn from the past. It leads us to develop good judgement while learning more and more about our partner.

5. Your partner should know how you feel. We can’t expect our partner to always know how we feel or what we want. Even if we think they know us, they can never know us enough. That’s why open and honest communication is more important than wanting our partner to intuitively read our thoughts. This false belief drives many people to think that their partner is dismissing their feelings, but maybe they simply don’t know what’s wrong and they need clear directions in the relationship.

Slowly but surely, we can get rid of the myths that may be hurting our relationships. Let’s focus on each other—not on inherited and inaccurate information.

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