We all know the top “secrets” to happy, long-lasting relationships.

Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or just dating, you must know by now that various components lead to the success of romantic love.

From respect to good communication, the health and quality of a relationship is entirely up to us. For me, one of the most important factors that should be considered is trust.

Trust is huge, and when it comes to romantic relationships, we often talk about our partner. How many times have you caught yourself doubting your partner’s intentions? How many times has your mind wandered and created false scenarios?

I know I have.

I struggled with trust issues for most of my life, and although I had tried to change the other person, I persistently failed. With the end of many previous relationships and the negative consequences that followed, it was clear that my patterns of distrust were unsolvable. I started to think that maybe I was just “unlucky” or foolishly keen on attracting the wrong partners.

I was wrong. I was so wrong. It was never about my partner or whether or not they were faithful. It wasn’t them I couldn’t trust; it was me. The inability to have trust in myself aggravated many situations that could have been manageable.

When my previous partner cheated on me again and again, I willingly chose to stay and be sorry for myself. I chose to “fix” him and make him a better man. I thought I was being kind, honorable, lovable. I could leave, but I didn’t. I stayed so I could prove to myself that he wouldn’t let me down. But the truth is…I just didn’t want to let me down.

I kept looking for glimmers of self-love in all the wrong places, not realizing that the foundation of any good relationship (with others and myself) starts within me. When we’re armed with self-trust, we can stand up no matter how many times we may fall. We find solutions instead of wallowing in self-pity. We know what we deserve because we have been through what we don’t.

Some people show us their true colors early on and give us good reasons not to trust them. That’s totally different because when someone repeatedly shatters our trust, that says more about them than it does about us. How we feel and do about it though is up to us, and that’s when the level of our self-trust determines the level of our actions.

However, having trust issues is different from being with someone who is untrustworthy. The absence of self-trust in relationships yields heavy consequences if our partner is trustworthy. When we are suspicious of them, we need to look inward and ask ourselves why. Why do I feel anxious, needy, jealous, or controlling? What’s pushing me to uncontrollably fixate on my partner?

When our self-worth is distorted, hiding the distortion becomes hard. The way we see ourselves—whether positively or negatively—directly impacts how our partner sees us. Through our own words, self-image, and actions, we indirectly tell our partner how we want to be treated…and loved. I’m not saying we can’t be vulnerable, weak, or share our flaws. I mean that despite being vulnerable or showing weakness, deep down we know who we are and what we bring into the relationship.

When we know who we are, we don’t fear betrayal, uncertainty, or disappointment. When we genuinely trust ourselves, we don’t seek constant validation or reassurance; we tune in to our own needs instead.

We believe we are enough.

We know we are enough.

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