I’m now in my 70s, and it’s taken me many years to understand that at the heart of any good relationship is a combination of mutual trust, being deeply connected, and sharing enjoyable times and experiences.

Here are the most important things I’ve learned that have helped me create that special mix with my current partner for the first time:

1. I don’t depend on my partner’s approval to feel good about myself because then I’d be afraid of being rejected, which would make it impossible for me to fully love her, and might cause me to “settle” for the wrong person—or be with the right person for the wrong reasons, such as to prove to myself that I’m worthy of love.

2. When my partner’s telling me she’s upset with me, I try to listen “through” her words to her underlying need rather than taking it personally or getting defensive. And I avoid creating stories in my head about how she’s feeling about me by asking if I’ve understood her correctly, at the same time also checking that she’s not making any wrong assumptions about what’s going on for me.

3. Mutual affection and respect lead to great sex much more often than the other way around. And making love works best when it’s a place we “go” to together—a mutually playful adventure combining physical fun and a merging with the spirit of life. When I let myself be vulnerable and surrender to it, I feel an especially strong sense of connection.

4. Becoming close to someone brings me some fear as well as happiness because I might be hurt or rejected. This is why sometimes the instinct to run away kicks in just as a relationship is getting deeper. I’ve found it’s best to share these feelings with my partner and ask her for reassurance if I need it. If I try to bury my doubts, they’ll only come back later to cause more hurt and confusion.

5. When I focus on what I appreciate about my partner as she is, rather than trying to change her or wishing for her to be different, my love for her just keeps growing. It’s inevitable to have mixed feelings about a lover sometimes—that’s why it’s important to reassure her that, even if I’m dealing with some difficult feelings, I still love and respect her.

6. If my partner seems to be making unreasonable demands, it’s possibly because I’ve not been using enough of her “love language” and she’s unsure of my feelings for her. So I ask how I can best make her feel loved. If she has unhealed pain from the past, that’s something only she can repair, but talking about that may help her figure out what she needs to do and what support she needs from me.

7. If I dilute what matters to me to get sex, love, or whatever other comfort I think I need, I’m on a road to resentment and unhappiness. It’s always better to be truthful about what I want and what I care about so she can respond in a way that’s in tune with her own true feelings, and the relationship stays “real.”

8. To be heard by my partner, I may need to listen to her first and let her take the lead in the conversation. This way she can feel empowered and safe with me, and will be more likely to share her true feelings in a caring way rather than being judgmental or defensive.

9. I always share my opinions cautiously, and only give her advice (in small amounts) when it’s asked for. I’ve learned that my personal point of view is not necessarily “right,” even when it feels that way!

10. A romantic relationship can’t meet all of our social interaction needs, so it’s also important that we both enjoy and cultivate a range of outside connections and interests, to give our relationship “air” and avoid any risk of suffocating each other.

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