Yes, I’m using sex to make a point, but trust me, it’s justified.

And no, I’m not just saying this to be mean to trophy hunters.

Though it may be a firm verbal stroke, I’m saying it because I care about the suffering of a person whose sense of empathy, compassion and personal value is so skewed that they get off on murdering animals.

If you’re a dude who shoots animals purely for sport and you’re reading this, my motivation is actually to be of service to you—if I can.

Because even if you don’t care about other living, breathing beings, I’m guessing you at least care about why it’s not that great to f*ck you. And maybe if we can address the problem from that angle, we can get you to stop murdering our animal friends.

I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m making assumptions here. Maybe your sex life is deeply connected and totally fulfilling, but in case it’s not, this is for you, and my aim is to help you understand why there’s a feeling of something missing in your intimate life.

I am pretty good at calling it. Intimacy is my specialty, after all, and there are some basic qualities and skills that, if lacking, can reliably indicate how someone’s sex life will be lacking. So I hope to shed some light on why women (or men—whatever your preference) find it hard to connect and feel truly safe with you.

And yes, it has a lot to do with what kind of things you get off on (sexual and non-sexual).

How we do anything is how we do everything. The person we are in one area of our lives can’t be isolated to that one area. We are that person through and through.

So, here’s why I wouldn’t f*ck you:

I’ll start with the obvious. Based on how you’ve prioritized your ego-driven enjoyment of big-game hunting over the lives of precious wild animals and the wishes of thousands (millions?) who desperately want to protect them from you, it’s safe to say your ego has a strong hold on you—you are the main thing that matters in your world.

This translates into sex as entirely self-centered, insensitive to my needs and lacking respect and appreciation for the beauty and sanctity of all God’s creatures (including me).

That’s not the only way your ego is holding you back in the bedroom. I’m not going to get too far into the power dynamics presented by the hunter/prey relationship, but you clearly have the advantage there, and you seem to prefer that. In terms of who is going to end up killing who, the odds are in your favor, man. Let’s just acknowledge that, okay?

Seeing as you prefer a dynamic where the odds of staying alive are greatly skewed in your favor, let’s look at how that translates into intimate relationships.

As your potential lover, the position I find myself in doesn’t look so appealing. Now, let’s get one thing straight: I’m no prude. I love a little power play in my sex. But in order for that to work—and for me to be able to surrender—I need to know you have exquisite attention on me. The minute it feels like our role-play is about feeding your ego, rather than our shared experience together, I’m going to begin to feel incredibly unsafe.

Surrender is vulnerable. It works best when I can trust you to handle me better than I can handle myself. Unfortunately, it would seem you have too much attention on yourself to be able to do that.

Let’s move on to the other elephant in the room. (Put the crossbow down, buddy! It’s a figure of speech.)

You lack compassion.

Compassion is essential to having connected sex, and you are too self-centered and insecure to be able to be compassionate.

Sex is vulnerable because it’s primal. We show the most animalistic parts of ourselves—the parts we hide from most people most of the time. I’ve seen how you are with animals and all I’m thinking is, “This doesn’t bode well for the animal in me.”

You don’t have compassion for wild animals, so why would you have compassion for the wildness in me?

You respect us only to the extent that you can prove your value by conquering us—by dominating us.

Sorry. I’m not interested in being an instrument in your quest to prove your own worth, because I know I will always be sacrificed toward that purpose.

When I need love, you will make it about what you need. When I’m vulnerable and need your compassion, you won’t be able to show up for me in a supportive way. When my past wounds come back to haunt me and I take it out on you, you won’t be able to stand steady and courageous in the face of my demons because you’ll be too busy taking care of your bruised ego.

Maybe you’re thinking, “No problem, Summer. You’re not my type anyway,” and that is all fine and good, but consider that in wanting a lover who is compassionate, supportive and has the ability to put our connection ahead of his ego, I’m basically speaking for the deep down desire of all women.

All humans, for that matter.

So, if you’re wondering what’s underneath that feeling you’re chasing—if you’re thinking maybe it’s finally time to address the underlying issues that propel you to slaughter innocent, majestic creatures in order to feel like a real man—please feel free to reach out to me. I work in getting free from ego. I work in vulnerability. I do a lot of work helping people find deeper connection and intimacy, and I’d love to help.

~

Author: Summer Engman

Editor: Toby Israel

Photo: Jelle/Flickr