I went to a website and did a little research, I wanted a psychic that was legit and in my budget.

I was desperate for a little cosmic wisdom. I reached out and asked my question, “Is this relationship going to work?” Immediately the person picked up on the truth I wanted to ignore and was ethical enough not to lie to me.

It sucked.

Again and again, I tried, hoping for a different answer. Even though I knew this relationship was doomed from the get go, I wanted to believe differently. I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. I wanted hope. I didn’t want to hear, “Girlfriend! Don’t just walk, Run!!!”

Because that would mean I had chosen poorly again and that just sucked. So I stayed. I rationalized. I pretended. I lied to myself since I couldn’t get anyone else to see what I saw. Eventually, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, especially when the truth bubbled to the surface and exploded in a mess.

We see what we want to see until we can’t ignore the truth anymore. We create illusions to meet our needs. The illusions may not be the most effective or efficient means of meeting those needs. Until the payoff for hearing the truth outweighs the payoff for staying put, we’ll subconsciously ask people to lie to us.

For example, being in a relationship that isn’t a good fit.

For me, I was looking for someone who was exciting, had common interests and chemistry, loved to laugh, and adored me. I wanted to be loved. The problem was there was a part of me that did not trust being loved and was recreating a deep belief that everyone I loved would abandon me making me unlovable and unworthy.

My soul wanted to heal that nonsense. So I chose someone who wasn’t completely available to be 100% in a healthy, happy relationship. It served two purposes—validating my false beliefs and an opportunity to heal them.

I know it was hard for the people who loved me who knew I was making a mistake and I would get hurt as a result. Yet, I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear because I wanted so desperately to be right. I stopped talking to my friends and turned to psychics.

I had to go through the whole process of ignoring the truth to get to the final place where I could look at why I had chosen what I did and courageously examine what that served.

I wanted to be loved completely and wholly. I wanted to beat the odds on my beliefs. I wanted the happily ever after.

When I was willing to stop lying to myself, I realized I was the one who had to provide happily ever after. The only person who was abandoning me was myself and until I showed up completely and started living authentically from a place of true Self-Love, I’d get to keep replicating my painful lessons.

These lies we tell ourselves, and the ones we seek from others can be about anything, not just relationships.

They all stem from a place of disconnection from our deepest knowing. We want someone to convince us that our beliefs are false, but we also need them to validate them to not make us wrong. We ask the questions, but unless it’s what we want to hear, we won’t listen.

Somewhere deep within is a wounded child archetype that engages the victim archetype. From that place of deep pain, the victim archetype engages the saboteur archetype in self-sabotaging or the prostitute archetype to engage in co-dependent, addictive, aggressive or narcissistic behavior.

Unwinding the need for the lies starts with an awareness of when we are doing it and a willingness to participate in self-inquiry with four core questions:

1. What am I doing here?
2. What do I need?
3. What do I want?
4. Why?

This is a process that has to be repeated multiple times before we’re truly able to lift the veils that hide our Truth.

Once seen, though, the Truth cannot be ignored. That is when the shift really begins and the lies we tell ourselves become unacceptable.

The need for others to lie to us becomes obsolete.

When you start the process, sometimes it helps to have someone who will call you out on your behavior.

I didn’t want to hear it. I felt shame and guilt at first, then frustration and anger because I was still engaging in behavior I wanted to end. Eventually, I’d catch myself and shift consciously without help. It was like learning how to walk and then suddenly finding out with a little effort that running is possible. It was exhilarating and expansive.

Ultimately, it was freedom.

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Relephant Read:

That’s Just the Story of My Life: How to Lie to Yourself Better.

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Author: Wendy Reese

Editor: Renee Jahnke

Images: Ross Griff-Flickr  &  Jennifer Dawson-Flickr