September 8, 2015

When we Don’t Meet our Friends’ Expectations.

0 Boost Score Lauren Messervey (1,510,185)

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I’ve been blessed to have a lot of friends.

Since I was a child, I always kept a wide, expanding circle of trusted confidants around me and was able to call upon any of them when the going got tough. It was the aspect of my life that was easy—meeting people and maintaining a lot of close friendships. And I was grateful for it.

Adulthood came with some unexpected hurdles. As I got older, I found that some of my friends and I outgrew each other, like a favorite sweater that had long since worn out beyond the hope of repair. I had to remind myself that this was nothing personal. This was a natural part of life and the only thing to do was accept it and toss the old sweater away.

Even so, I encountered something that I did not expect. Although I could accept that the sweater had long outgrown its usefulness as a sweater, I refused to accept the notion that the same cozy, comforting sweater was just not good enough. It didn’t live up to the wearer’s expectations, so it was tossed aside.

The sweater analogy rings true with false friends. You know the type: the person you spend a lot of time with, but the moment you do something that doesn’t meet their expectations of what they want you to be, they throw you away. Their honest defense in the court of law would be, “Well, your Honour, so-and-so didn’t act the way I wanted them to, so I pushed them away.”

I’ll give you an example. I was invited out for a night of adventure by one of my girlfriends and a few of her friends. That day, I had the most important exam of my life. I told my friend that I was terrified of botching the exam, and although I did really well, I did forget nearly all of my things for the night. It appeared as though I only packed the complete essentials and forgot alcohol, my ID, a change of clothes, and just about everything else.

My friend took it as a personal offense. Not only had I forgotten the highly important details of the night, but I was simply not prepared. I apologized profusely, citing my nerves about my exam, and although she said it was fine, it didn’t seem to matter. I spent the night being isolated from the group, sneered at when I asked to borrow something from the others, and generally treated like the 12-year-old who wasn’t allowed to play Foursquare with the other kids because I didn’t have my own ball.

I was upset. I was hurt. I felt like I was a bad friend and a failure—until I realized that this was exactly the type of false friend reaction that we encounter in our adult life.

They’re bred from the passive-aggressive, non-confrontational, “Oh my God, I can’t believe she didn’t do what I asked her to,” person who would rather alienate you than give it to you straight. There’s no room for breathing space, no margin of error. You aren’t the person I want you to be? Then goodbye, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

But we are all human beings. We can’t be expected to be perfect, or to perfectly be what we expect. There will be mistakes in friendship, and the true friends will understand the mistakes and love you no matter what. We are not on trial for being flawed, and the people who are worth it will never make us feel that way.

It was then that I felt my friend circle grow smaller, not because I was a bad person, but because quality is better than quantity after all.

In the end, I let go of that group of girls. I passed my exam with flying colours and threw away their old sweater of a conditional friendship and got myself a comfy new one. I don’t expect people to be perfect, but I do expect to be loved. That’s something that I will never wear out.

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