Talking about group sex as a spiritual experience may sound outrageous, out of place, inadequate—and yet, in each and every sexual experience lies the possibility of deep transformation.

Group sex is no exception.

Group sex (meaning, in this context: consensual sexual activity that involves more than two people) may not be part of everyone’s ordinary sex life, but it is definitely part of most people’s fantasies. The reason we don’t often allow our group sex fantasies to become real, is mainly a strong social bias against group sex.

Society teaches us that sharing sexual space with multiple people is a perversion, a kink, something to practice in secret. Because of this social stereotype, it may be difficult to see how group sex can offer, beyond simple enjoyment, the possibility of deep, personal growth. But this is exactly the case.

Accessing trans-personal space through group sex.

For one, group sex can be the physical, embodied expression of a deep and often forgotten truth: that we are all connected, and that we are all alike. Sharing sexual intimacy in a group offers a possibility to go beyond the level of personal preference and selection, and experience a taste of a deeper layer, where individuality matters less.

When more than two people are sexual with each other, the circulation of energy changes radically. The sexual game becomes less of a “you choose me, I choose you” experience—everyone’s attention and desires end up being somehow shared. We realize that, beyond our personal traits, we are all vehicles of erotic energy. Personal identity loses a bit of its importance, and what emerges is a sort of group sexual identity and well-being. This is one of the reasons why many esoteric traditions have included group sex rituals in their practice: they are a powerful tool to go beyond personal identification.

The experience of a more “trans-personal” sexual space, in which we feel the group energy over the single individual’s, can be quite revealing, accustomed as we are to equate sexual intimacy with an exclusive recognition of each other’s individuality.

The challenges of competition and communication.

Group sex also has the potential to bring up some of the most intense challenges for our ego. Take a threesome, perhaps the most common form of group sex. How would it feel to share a lover with another man or woman? Some of our deepest fears and wounds can come to the surface: fear of rejection, abandonment, self-denial, competition, envy. Our ego can start to cringe. And when the ego is under pressure, amazing opportunities for growth are just around the corner.

Imagine for a moment two men and a woman in a shared sexual experience. Competition can easily arise between the two men. (Who is getting more of the girl’s attention? Who is making love more? Better? Louder?) Yet, in order for everyone to feel good, the two men will need to communicate. If there is no erotic attraction between them, they will have to find another way to acknowledge each other’s presence. Perhaps simply a friendly look, an encouraging pat on the back, or some honest and kind verbal communication. They will need to silence their ego and surrender to the situation.

It isn’t necessarily easy, but once such a channel of communication is open, it can potentially break the wall of competition in one of the arenas where it most arises: sexuality. Often the two former “competitors” will end up establishing a new, deep bond.

We tend to think of group sex as a kinky, recreational activity, but more often than not, it involves a lot of communication and processing—before, during and after the sexual experience is over.

Sharing sexual space with a beloved.

A particularly intense form of group sex is the kind where we share with someone we deeply love. We may be faced with a powerful challenge: watching our beloved making love with someone else. Witnessing our beloved taking pleasure with someone else is one of the biggest challenges for most of us. Even those of us who practice some form of openness in relationships are usually leaning on the side of, “Do whatever you want, but please not right in front of my eyes!”

And indeed, seeing our partner making love with someone else can bring up all sorts of insecurities, fears and wounds. Will he/she get more pleasure than they do with me? Will they eventually leave me for this other new, shiny man or woman? These experiences trigger deep pain and insecurities. Here we have the opportunity to follow those insecurities to the root and discover what lies there. This is a deeply spiritual process, because at the root of every fear and insecurity, we find a shaky attempt of the ego to construct an identity for itself by comparing, competing and dividing.

We may identify with being sexier, more likeable or more orgasmic than anyone else in the room…and here we are, getting that identity torn to pieces while we watch our beloved reveling deeply in pleasure with someone else. It’s a direct and powerful way to shred our ego away—not for the faint of heart, perhaps. And yet, once we dispose of all the external layers of the ego, we may experience the boundless, infinite awareness that is our only true identity. Believe it or not, many people have had some of their deepest spiritual realization while watching their beloveds being sexual with someone else.

Moreover, couples often walk out of a group sex experience feeling that the connection with their beloved is deeper than before. This can bring about the releasing of a deep fear. “Wow, I watched that, I did that, my beloved enjoyed that…and nothing horrible happened! We are still together, connected and in love with each other!” When couples consciously decide to share sexual space with others, this usually marks an evolution of their own relationship, which grows stronger and deeper.

Do it, but do it consciously.

Summing up, sexual play, including group sex, offers endless possibilities for deep realization and growth. Just as we grow by embracing one special human being in a tender, sensual connection, we can grow by witnessing our beloved receiving and giving love to someone else—or by sharing erotic and sexual energy with more than one person at a time.

Sexuality, in all these cases, acts as an “accelerator,” intensifying the challenges and emotional triggers, but also the rewards and the personal growth we can derive from such experiences.

In short, if we decide to engage in group sex, we can do it consciously, seeking not only pleasure and fun, but also something deeper: the opportunity for personal and collective growth.

Author: Raffaello Manacorda

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Editors: Catherine Monkman; Yoli Ramazzina