Warning: f-bombs ahead. 

~

“The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.” ~ Unknown 

You fucked my life up.

Before you, my life was ordinary and peaceful—it didn’t matter that I was unhappy and had no idea who I was, at the time I was content being a sheep—or at least I thought I was.

Despite how strong I thought my walls were, you somehow found a crack and found a way in.

Perhaps we cursed ourselves all those years ago when we said that it would never work—but maybe it was really just that the people we were then wouldn’t have been able to make it work.

Back then, I told you that I knew no one could be fucked into loving another, not realizing that I was going to have to learn this lesson firsthand.

Because you have truly fucked me into loving you.

I’ve been dancing in and out of feelings about you for some time, trying to play it off as nothing but sex or something to distract me from where I was truly meant to end up. But in the end, even I had to stop believing my lies.

I’d fallen in love with you—a man who I would never have expected to, someone vastly different but also with some underlying similarities. Although I have known for a while that we vibrate on the same frequency, there is also something more there.

There have been so many instances when I have tried to dig to the bottom of exactly what that more is—but I could never really figure it out because it didn’t feel or look like anything I’d known before.

So, I just threw my hands up and decided that maybe it didn’t much matter what it was, but only that it existed.

I honestly had no intention of loving you when all this began, but somehow you became the man who I didn’t know I needed all along.

I tried to replace you. I went on dates, tried online dating and gave my numbers to strangers, all along praying that one of them would turn into the reason why you and I shouldn’t be together, but that never came.

Instead, each man I spent time with only seemed to push me closer to you. It didn’t make sense that I had these feelings for you; after all there has been nothing about us that has been traditional.

Yet when I thought about it, not only have you fucked me, but you’ve gotten to know me. We’ve seen each other grow and change, succeed and fail, on top of our game and sick—we were friends long before I could have imagined making you the man of my life.

Although unexpected, maybe it isn’t so crazy that you have fucked me into falling in love with you.

It’s funny how we can spend so much energy trying to not love someone, so much time pretending that we aren’t attached only to find out that we’ve already fallen.

So, yes, I fucking love you.

I didn’t want to though, but you’ve made it impossible not to.

You were all wrong for the person I was when I first met you, but not for the woman who I am now. She wouldn’t have been able to stand by your side with confidence, or choose the path less taken—and as much as you cared for her, she wouldn’t have been able to love you when she didn’t even know who she was yet.

But, even in the spaces, we never really left each other. We were always there orbiting each other’s atmosphere in the background, watching and observing and waiting to see when we would be ready to collide.

I am.

Really it doesn’t matter how I came to love you—whether through good ole fashioned fucking, or traditional dates—the point is that I now do.

I’m not asking how you feel about me though, because I have faith that if there is ever a time I need to know something, then I believe that you’ll tell me—I won’t have to dig for answers.

Just because you have fucked me into loving you, doesn’t mean that I have done the same to you.

While I don’t have any desire to ask if you love me, I would like to know why you don’t want to.

Is falling for me really the worst scenario that could possibly happen?

Regardless, we always have a choice to make—a choice as to whether we will love or not. Mine began when I first admitted to myself that I could imagine things working between us.

So, with each truth I admitted to myself, about what was between us and what could possibly grow there, I also stepped further into the reality that I do love you—despite my best efforts not to.

I have never wanted you to do anything or be someone other than who you are—naturally and organically—even if that means knowing you couldn’t ever truly see yourself falling in love with me and seeing where this journey could take us.

Perhaps that is how I knew I really loved you—when I would never want to force you into anything, and that includes loving me in return.

You did fuck me into loving you, but not before you fucked my life up and made it impossible to stick with my plans.

But, the thing is—I wouldn’t change a bit of it.

Because I needed you to change my life then—now, I’m just hoping you’ll let me do the same for you.

~

Author: Kate Rose

Image: flickr/Eleazar Fuentes, flickr/Insomnia Cured Here

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock