Mugwort and Wormwood may not exactly be buzzwords for romance…

…but when you boil them in water along with a variety of other herbs, place the steaming concoction beneath an open seated stool, sit your loved one atop this throne, and then carefully aim the brew’s steam up at her vagina, well, now you’re making fireworks.

This year for Valentine’s day show her you love her with one simple word: Chai-yok. Also known as: vaginal steam bath.

The vagina is no laughing matter—especially on Valentine’s day—and steaming the vajayjay is also no joke. The Eastern remedy has been around for hundreds of years, and after a 30 minute steam session nothing else will make your lady’s vagina feel finah’. Nice hearty Chai-yoks cut stress, fight infection, are great for hemorrhoids, regulate menstrual cycles (but not mood swings) and may even make your sugarplum more fertile, which depending on your relationship status is either or a good thing, or an accident waiting to happen.

Women love to know you are thinking about them, so let her know you’re thinking about every single part of her, every…single…part.

Women love originality, so you can either show up at her door like every other guy carrying flowers and chocolate, or you can come bearing an open seated stool, a tea kettle, and the aforementioned mugwort and wormwood concoction. If she’s confused by your choice of gift explain to her that Chai-yoks are about succulence, celebration, and worship. The vagina deserves such adoration and glorification. Vaginas rule the world because all the men who think they rule the world are actually spending most of their day thinking about women.

Roses wither and fade, the pleasure from chocolate is fleeting, but Chai-yoks are practical and versatile. All you need is a heat source and a sturdy flat surface and you’re good to go. Chai-yoks aren’t gender specific. A guy can join in the fun just as easily, and if she loves the gift as much as you hope, you’re probably going to want to be nice and clean for her.

Just picture it, the two of you, Chai-yok’n it up, your eyes meet through the steamy haze, herbal hints of wormwood fragrance mingle with the mugwort’s humid aroma, you’re both warm and wet, naked from the waist down, and already so close to the floor. Chai-yok . . . it’s a sure thing.

Vaginal steam baths, while popular in Korea, have not yet seeped into the mainstream American female consumer’s mind, a slot almost as coveted as the actual target of the steam. As a result V-Steams are only available in select spas in California or in the back rooms of holistic healers around the country, which is about every other house here in Boulder.

Fortunately do-it-yourself Chai-yok kits do exist and are available HERE. So good luck, and remember, walk tall and carry an open seated stool.

For those of you in the beginning stages of a relationship who may not feel comfortable jumping from a first or second date right to vaginal steam baths, below is a list of suggestions:

• A gold or platinum dipped rose from ihatestevensinger.com
• Hoodie-footie pajamas from pajamagram.com
• An $800 bottle of wine
• A donation in her name to the North Shore Animal League or the 15 Foundation
• A SiriusXM app for her smartphone
• A home cooked meal using one of Vegucating Robin’s vegetarian recipes
• A pumpkin body scrub
• Or just text her: 143