How I will experience this depression.

Tomorrow will be one week since I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I have been convincing myself all week that I did it so I can spend some serious time alone, you know, spend some time getting real things done. Finish a book, or two. Finish the many not quite done and almost started sewing projects in my big purple sewing tote. Learn a new skill, start a new hobby, anything, everything. But, in reality, the reason I checked out was because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I was trapped in a small bubble while scrolling through the Facebook feed. I have loved having it since I no longer live in my hometown, and it’s been a great way to stay in close contact with family and friends, but lately, I feel more distant to them and that life than ever. All I see now is opinions, gossip, drama, and really weird stuff that I really don’t care to know. I just don’t care to see any of it anymore. I also got Instagram a little over a year ago for the first time and fell in love with it. This non-stop feed of amazing photo’s from all over the world, it’s been a great alternative to a life I can only dream of having. Up until recently, the feed of photo’s ranging from anything animals and nature has been an inspiration to me. A fleeting rush of hope every time I see a mystic forest, a snow covered mountain, a giant tree, or any wild animal living free in it’s natural habitat. A jolt inside of me making me actually believe, that could be me, that I could get the chance to have adventures like these someday. But alas, here I am one week social media free, and sadly admitting to myself that the reason I couldn’t do it anymore was not because I wanted time to finish projects but because a part of me has accepted the truth, a part of me has come to terms with the fact that I may never get that chance. Depression is not an uncommon term, especially these days, but to me it feels like a word I have known my whole life but never once took the time to really “know”. Whatever the reason I decided to take a break from the constant feed of other people’s lives may be, the reason I am going to continue with this experiment is because I want to 100% be involved with my depression. I want to actually be present for this experience in my life, fully and passionately. I want to do the work, the agonizingly hard work of getting better. I want to feel every feeling, however painful, frightening, or overwhelming they may be. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and know that I may not be my whole self right now, but I will be soon. I not only want to get through this sickness, I want to understand it, relate to it, sympathies with it, and be one with it, because only then will I truly be able to defeat it. And I want to do this all by myself, with no distractions from what is going on in the rest of the world, or in my world. I used to write in little journals as a kid and I remember it being this feeling of getting to know myself a bit more every time I did. So here I am, putting myself out there in writing everyday, with hopes that maybe I can get to know myself again.

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