As I Get Older Part 1

As I live day to day I try to think a little more positive in my way that I feel comfortable with. Negative thoughts may be something we all struggle with  but this is about me right now as I grow older as the days pass us by. As I get older day by day I try to think of the plants, the sun, the feeling of being more happy with my own body, my own mind, my own thoughts are what’s killing my happiness. The though of living even just a lick of my mothers past life will destroy anything around me and anything thing familiar. I feel as I am the phoenix. As I turn  into fire out of control I burn away anything and people tend to flee from me. I burn away my miserable past life every second chance or more I can get to be happy again but still I burn once again to let go of what is eating up my happiness and what else is left like my insecurities, my fret. As I try to run free like a little girl with my small children I try to forget the unhappiness my mother had brought to me and what she never helped cure me. Its not exactly her now its maybe me I’m the one living my own now im grown now but I have nothing to show for in my life. She has no power over me or my life anymore I say, but I still say but and say why do feel like her sometimes is this what I reap from her. Every chance I feel like her I try to change I start to feel embarrassed and fret. When I see her I act sort of artificial because she hasn’t never seemed to care. Secretly as I get older each day I try to forget about her mainly, my 4 younger sisters because it was their real father, they would never understand I’ve tried everything in a way. What placed her in her misery and why she done what she did to be with a man who molested me and harrassed me everyday until I was in my 20’s. The misery was mine that comes from me when I create it, the depression, the pain, the trauma, the laughs and comments she’s made about my children and I. That made me nervous and that made my relationships worse inside and outside of my homes i live in and have lived  until this day. I’m trying my best to cut them off, what’s holding me back? I’ve feared many days of not being in love, trusting someone and true love not finding me. As I get older I feel to be more solitude, im trying to learn how to be at peace with my self, I’m trying to learn how to be more of a fearless mother without being so angry selfish sometimes but I always make it up a second after so I’m trying. I’m trying to stand alone without a man to take care of me making him think I need him when honestly I don’t. I’m trying to cope with doing different coming from where I came from and what I barely knew and be surprised what I did know.  As I get older day by day today I sit on the passenger side of my husbands truck while I sense how the suns rays have met my left side face and one dread that hangs in my front face the rest is in a ponytail. My daughters Julia and Alanis become a distraction, so I try to give them a talk about respect. How much do I have to sacrifice to live in peace here in mind to keep peace in my mind my children’s minds also or else they will become the little rascals and distract me . I don’t have it all together, I just regularly feel like enjoying this feeling the feelings of a bird far away singing, this sun of my left side face and dread, the amazing warm cool breeze and the amount I have left to hold this moment which feels like peace. As I get older secretly each day I try to learn how to set my self at space and peace. What does peace feel like again, feels like ill never know, even though my left eye wonders about that with my left brain. How about how it feels to be solitude enough to read a whole book and write a whole amazing story or chapter while the evening has come so cloudy no rain from the shy just on the color of white little tan grey crowded around from where I see but id like it too be just me for once. What about running around with my children more often on days like this while I look through the long vertical blinds of our wide bedroom window . As I was young I ran I ran I ran, Love was my best friend not karma not other peoples lives was for me to reap only my life mattered while I cared so much for others I weep but what did it to my mother she gave up on me didn’t discipline me the right way didn’t let go her habits let it chip away she never really smiled too much as I watched her fight for days as I gotten older day by day she fought in front of me and never wondered or asked how I felt. Maybe that’s why I ask my daughters and look at my son as something I cant explain but to try to love much better. That’s why I ask Julia my oldest how’s her day how do you feel randomly lets do a project or lets plan on lets move someday lets travel lets be happy even if we still Live. As I hold up my head day to day I look for something or someone to help change me or to help feel my emptiness inside my searching wandering wonderful soul. As I get older as I sit here in this truck the sun slowly goes down distractions still go on in the back distance the music still plays from the grocery store I just noticed. As I grow by the minute I become a bit more humble as much as the universe needs me to. As I enjoy only the feelings I have for the breeze, the fading down sunlight, the hearing of my fingers typing on my laptop after being so scared to thieves seeing me type in public I say don’t fret I will grow by taking a chance! I need the relief!

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