A hero’s journey inward.

My life was once a barren wasteland of an existence that played out between the regret of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow, turning the present moment into an unfathomable concept at which point enough was no longer enough. The need for excess increased as my compassion for others decreased. As a result, internal conflicts started to manifest within my body as tension and depression. Subsequently, anyone within my immediate vicinity also fell victim to that deadly influence.

So what exactly was that aforementioned wasteland? For me, it was living out an inauthentic life made evident by following other people’s paths and resorting to animal-like behavior. No innovation or personal development ever took place along that way. Consequently, everything I truly wanted I didn’t want due to the conflict between what I perceived to be attainable and what a mystical, inner-stillness, compelled me to achieve.

The Star Wars Trilogy served as a kind of guiding light amidst the darkness in my life. As such, Luke Skywalker’s quest wasn’t just some space-aged faerie tale because it followed three essential components inherent in most heroic fables; departure, initiation and return. Once Luke was displaced from his ordinary living conditions a pathway towards destiny was immediately presented to him. However, in order to fulfill that destiny he would need a useful tool of some kind (light saber), a long or short term goal (rescue the princess) and a mentor (Obi Wan Kenobi).

Learning to adopt an unorthodox approach to life transformed a nightmare into a heroic adventure. A departure from the realm of standard conditioning was prerequisite to the crossing of a threshold. Breaching that threshold was the key to an altogether new and rewarding perspective on life. Narrating my experiences to encourage and guide others toward a release from personal bondage becomes my final reward.

Bondage is a state of constraint by circumstance or obligation. In my own life, seeking freedom from this oppressive state was paramount. Years of enslavement to a mentally ill parent compelled me to seek answers in every possible direction. I have concluded through endless searching that the path to freedom is through an inward path. The journey unveils many truths about the seemingly chance events we encounter throughout our lives. If interpreted properly, these events reveal a pattern and can serve as guideposts toward a powerful transformation in each and every one of us.

In my personal experience, my degree of psychological bondage didn’t become apparent to me until I left my mother behind. It is important to note that my experiences with her weren’t entirely debilitating. Compared to the complaints of some whose lives I’ve encountered, my mom’s condition was more a blessing than a curse. After all, she toughened me up and essentially honed the skills I would require to facilitate my own redemption.

Furthermore, I wasn’t miraculously gifted with a heightened level of awareness. My need for answers evolved from an unbearable sense of anguish. Had my childhood been all fun and games, seeking a greater truth would not have felt so urgent. My mom truly loved all of her children. She just expressed it with her own unique capacity. And what is love but the pruning of the tree so that it may grow tall and strong.

My mother was the ringmaster of the spectacle that was my childhood. Afflicted by a mental illness called Dissociative Identity Disorder, her mind was divided into several distinct personalities inhabiting a single body. Because little was known about this disorder during my childhood, a life that could have grown into its own uniqueness was instead molded to mirror hers.

She left home to escape the clutches of her own insane mother. I eventually forced myself to leave home to escape her. Both of us severely beaten as children, our mothers were our chief tormentors. Hence, we built our own prison and existed in a state of schizophrenia. Both guards and prisoners, we no longer had, having lost touch with reality, the capacity to leave our prison, or to even see it as imprisonment. The unfortunate circumstance in which I found myself, however, yielded the opportunity to grow up playing a dual role, both as parent to my own mother as well as her therapist.

By the age of ten I learned hypnosis in an early attempt to root out her affliction. Her more oppressive personalities fed on both fear and hatred but once their appetites were satisfied they would lay low until it became time to feed again. I routinely conducted therapy sessions at home with a patient who occasionally, when she was able, doubled as my caregiver. Most often it was incumbent on me to assume the parental role. It was a classic case of the blind leading the blind. Still, within the darkness awaited the light. I needed only to be turned toward it.

My mother was the first person to open me to the mystique of the cinematic arts. Every time the credits started to roll she would ask what I thought to be the message of the film. From then on I perceived movies as more than just entertainment. Star Wars would become one of the first films to challenge my notion of conventional wisdom. The themes unfolded in that intergalactic saga closely mirrored the events of my own storyline. Perhaps I might yet witness the forces of light in my mom prevail over her dark side. Until then I eagerly absorbed all the cinema had to teach as well.

Movies continue to calibrate my moral compass. Most of my informal education came from either watching television shows or sitting in dimly lit theaters. As I initially fumbled through the many stages of life, the cinema helped me to deal with the challenges frequently encountered along the way. Thankfully, my mother never stopped encouraging me to glean the messages and life lessons inscribed among the flickering frames.

Consider how the politics of fear can enslave a society. Modern mythologies or movies dispel such fears when their messages convey a sense of fellowship between us and our environment as well as with one another. But a person or nation devoid of such a bond would inevitably foster the emergence of several distinct mindsets or groups that develop as a result of a general distrust of others. Rather than seeing one another as parts of a single organism, the opposite perception takes over. Every man for himself.

All organisms instinctively fight for their own survival, especially at the biological level. Take cancer cells for example. These deadly cells divide exponentially in their host organism. In a sense, these growths are willingly contributing to their own demise. The cancerous cells can no longer sustain themselves once they have destroyed their host. In killing their host, they kill themselves.

The current human condition can be perceived in such a way. Failing to recognize our relationship to the environment has led to the over-consumption of Earth’s natural resources. The Native Americans had a living relationship with their environment. Everything from the ground up was considered sacred to them. Because their myths supported this belief system the natives acted to preserve and restore everything that was consumed. However, following the industrial revolution, the human relationship with the Earth turned into one of exploitation. When generating wealth became the overall goal of society the environment suffered. In turn, society’s greed will inevitably contribute to its own demise.

Whenever my mother was lucid, her more compassionate and insightful personality took over. Since my relationship to her was always harmonious, these moments gave me the chance to learn all she had to share. She often used parables to illustrate certain conclusions. For example, I was told the story of a young man who desperately needed transportation so he attended church regularly to pray for a VW Beetle. He figured that his prayer request should be expedited by asking God for something modest. But he became increasingly agitated as weeks of unanswered prayers passed by. He couldn’t help but wonder what the delay could be. After all, he was only asking for just enough to get by.

One day an old man from the church got wind of the young man’s situation. Since the gentleman felt he had become too old to drive, he willingly offered the young man his practically new Cadillac. Yet the young man refused the offer as he was certain that the old man was up to no good. Besides, he still felt his prayers would soon be answered. The following Sunday, the young man finally heard the voice of God calling to him saying, “I wanted to give you a Cadillac but you insisted on a Beetle!”

My mom wanted me to understand that anything I receive in this life will always match my level of worthiness for it. She also wanted me to recognize that opportunities can manifest in many different forms. Therefore, it would behoove me to be alert for the opportunities that might lie hidden within any problem. Finally, she added, “Gladly accept whatever comes into your path. For what else could best suit your needs?”

Growing up, I was taught to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. If I kept an open mind they could teach me plenty. My own mother was paradoxically my closest enemy and thus a potent ally in my quest for personal understanding. Nevertheless, endeavoring not to disturb her fiercest personalities had me walking on egg shells for years. Yet when she would experience occasional moments of clarity there was no one else I’d rather have at my side. All the while, the abused child within her remained cleverly concealed behind an array of personas.

In her own search for answers she turned to an eclectic variety of ideologies. The range spanned from Catholicism to Spiritualism. Yielding to a single religion proved challenging for her so she skimmed a little wisdom from each. She concluded that religions are symbolic of an inward truth, not an external reality. They aren’t the destination but merely signposts pointing the way. Similarly, growing up with my mother was a mere prelude to the greater odyssey my life would become.

The impulse to discover my niche in the world eventually prompted me on my quest. As with any ambitious endeavor, a departure into unfamiliar territory is the first step. Freeing myself from the insanity at home required me to discover my own path, venturing into the dark forests of self discovery. These trials and tribulations would ultimately lead to my rebirth as a self-directing adult.

Over the years, a legion of people confided in me while seeking my advice. A friend even confessed that my company was so therapeutic I should be available with a doctor’s prescription. Many openly shared intimate details of their lives and their innermost secrets without my ever inquiring. Perhaps all they needed was a captive audience to hear them out. I could not help but feel that serving as my mother’s therapist prepared me for such interactions. Thus, continuing to give of myself in this capacity might unlock further illuminations that could ultimately do good in the world.

Psychologist Carl Jung recognized that people around the world share the same primitive insights that transcend language and geography. He called them archetypes of the unconscious. According to Jung, humans are universally motivated by the same basic hopes and fears. He concluded that every human inherits these motivations from the same source. At one time or another, intuition likely calls upon each of us to champion a quest. Accepting or rejecting this inner calling remains one’s personal responsibility.

While the quest that lies ahead of me remains uncertain, authoring a book feels like the first step toward unveiling something new and wondrous within myself. Perhaps the best way to be of service to others requires reconciling myself to an inward truth just as did Luke Skywalker. Through conquering his own fears and limitations he managed to restore balance to the galaxy. That was not his original intent, but a fortunate by- product of his success. Luke’s quest awakened me to a profound realization. I had never realized the emptiness of my soul until it was revivified by the thirst for understanding through the adventure of self-discovery.

Scientists believe that at one time the entire Universe originated from a single source. If this is so then could it be that I am merely a thread of one enormous cloth, woven by single weaver? Since all things are inextricably intertwined, am I harming myself by doing harm to others? The only way to explore this concept was to plunge into the mystery of my own existence.

Everything in life carries risk along with it. The idea isn’t to avoid all the obstacles on the course but rather to assume the guise of the hero by gathering competence and skill from hardships. Even the humblest life forms ignore the odds of survival once their quest is underway. Consider how freshly hatched sea turtles head straight for the ocean despite the predators that await them by sky, land and sea. Something within them spurs their little bodies toward an unforeseeable destiny. Uninhibited by fear, they simply heed the call to action.

In my situation, growing up with an unstable parental figure conjured up plenty of motivation for leaving town. My tragic existence became more difficult to bear with each passing day. Apart from leaving all the strife behind I also wondered what I could amount to on my own. Learning to perceive setbacks as opportunities ultimately helped me to see the world as it is rather than how I thought it to be. A personal hero of mine, Joseph Campbell, was a teacher who advised his students to follow their bliss. According to Mr. Campbell, seeking that which evokes your greatest joy will open doors where none existed before.

I never imagined the dangers attendant to heeding this call to adventure. However, once the notion set in, it was as if I mystically activated a homing signal that attracted mentors onto my path. These guides initiated the necessary conditioning required for my expansion of consciousness. I amassed a slew of characters (including my own mother) to guide and mentor me on my way. I was also encouraged to act from a place of natural grace where magic was the rule rather than the exception. For example, my mother taught me to visualize favorable outcomes until they appeared. When I was a child, we didn’t have carpet in our home for several years, so my mother had me paint the concrete floors in the exact shade I wanted the carpet to be. Sure enough, despite all our financial limitations, the right people who could facilitate our needs began showing up.

In my experience, failure to understand something resulted in fearing it. Take Algebra for example. At first, its alien complexity was very intimidating to me. The fear only subsided once I achieved, through titanic effort, a greater understanding of the basic principles. Much of my understanding of life came only with great effort. Extreme hardship forced Luke Skywalker to undertake a dangerous journey beyond the farthest reaches of the galaxy. In actuality, his quest to become a Jedi was an attempt to discover what was in fact much closer, dwelling within him since birth.

In early childhood I faced the choice to either continue living the nightmare or find my own way out. In the end, my escape was illuminated by my inward journey. If I couldn’t find the answers within, they could not be found. Divinely inspired entities graced my path as friends, mentors and even employers. It is a privilege to share their wisdom as well as my personal observations and experiences with you. May the insights I gathered along the way prompt you on your own rewarding path toward self discovery.

While continuing along these pages take time to ponder your latent talents. What abilities do you possess that flow from you effortlessly? These gifts hold the key to unfolding your destiny. Enlisting these abilities can set the stage for improving your life as well as the lives of others around you. Acting out of inspiration has given me a sense of certitude that isn’t easily discouraged by temporary circumstances. I would encourage you to be courageous in all your endeavors. After all, courage is not the opposite of fear. Courage is moving forward in spite of your fear.

So can a hero save the world? For me the answer is, “Yes! Absolutely!” But salvation must begin by exploring, charting and enhancing one’s own understanding of the inner dimension. Cinema reaffirms that everything in life emanates from within and is projected outward. In the end, every production is a reflection of the director’s unique vision. Thus, what better time than now to direct the life you have always longed for. External (man-made) circumstances might presently be disrupting harmony in the world, but they are only transitory interferences which, like time itself, will pass. The Universe, of which you are an integral part, will always continue to unfold itself.

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