A lesson on intimacy

I let myself get so close, and then got completely rejected. Just intimate enough for a glimpse of what I’d wanted, followed by heartache and exhaustion. My heart is exhausted.

Not just because of this man, no- he doesn’t deserve that much credit. Rather, exhausted by the many unfulfilling moments of intimacy I’ve had.

The trust, the fire, and then the letdown.

And then me hanging on to what I wanted so badly, because it justifies letting him in to begin with. Am I betrayed by the man, or by myself?

Looking at the pattern: Men who aren’t emotionally available. And me, wanting to grow with someone who is.

I ask: Am I totally available to myself emotionally? Is there a part of me that treats myself the way that I don’t want to be treated by these men, that prevents deeper intimacy?

I haven’t journaled in over a month. I haven’t been practicing meditation/yoga. I haven’t picked up the ukulele in an embarrassing amount of time, considering it’s my favorite hobby. I haven’t stopped to take a breath and be really raw, intimate, and truthful with myself.

These negative emotions towards certain men and feelings of inadequacy are quite literally blocking my connection with myself. With my own intimacy. Which is what allows me to discern healthy vs. unhealthy intimacy with others. The only way to heal what’s going on is to first and foremost allow my connection with self and source to be deeper than anything else, so that my relationships can move through that higher guidance.

I am learning. To not be ashamed for my feelings. But to take responsibility for how I love.

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