I just had a conversation with someone about porn.

Yes, with that introduction, this little article could go in so many different directions.

But I simply want to share some honesty.

I found myself getting triggered about the past and just lovingly observed my internal reactions. Jealousy. Anger. Shame. Desire. Guilt. Resentment. Some envy, and then some compassion, and finally a little awareness. All in two minutes. Ha.

In the first 30 seconds, I mentally constructed an article called, “Do you know what sucks (other than the big things, like cancer)?”

It would’ve explained how bad things suck when you are 40-something years old and your marriage ends. When the person you spent 24 years with, had children with, who happened to be the only person you had ever slept with (did you do the math?), and the one person you thought you would grow old and grey with—with him loving you unconditionally through all of the wrinkles and sags—is no longer your life partner.

Well, sh*t happens. Life happens. And, yes, that happened.

So, here I am…40-something and out in a big bad world that I never thought I would experience.

And as it relates to porn, I’ve landed in a world where 20-somethings with flawless bodies on live webcams can penetrate every screen and reach a human on the other side.

Was I really having a moment of trying to measure up to some image on Tumblr? Ever heard the phrase compare and despair? Yeah, well, I wasted a bit of time earlier in life doing that and here’s what I discovered:

If the comparing is coming from me, I will never win.

And, if judgment is coming at me, from someone else, well then maybe they don’t need to be in my tribe.

So, if I’m going to own my 40-something self, authentically and without judgment, within this new world of anything-goes-and-you-can-access-it-in-one-click, what does that even look like? This was going to require some redefining.

Yes, in this present moment, what is sexy, to me?

I watched how simply pondering that question is sexy.

Not giving a flying f*ck about superficial things is sexy.

Confidence is sexy.

Sexy is knowing that a soul can shine so bright the physical form it resides in can actually change shape.

Being healthy is sexy.

Dancing until you are sweaty is sexy.

Really listening is sexy.

Tasting someone’s lips before they open their eyes in the morning is sexy.

Sexy is being so authentic that narcissists don’t know what to make of you.

Honesty is sexy.

Being vulnerable is sexy. (So sexy!)

Sharing truth is sexy.

Two people’s legs finding each other under the dinner table is sexy.

Being so silly that your laughter turns to crying is sexy.

Sexy is taking a risk.

Being brave is sexy.

Sexy is not hiding and sharing the real you.

Someone that thinks about others in a kind way is sexy.

Sexy is allowing yourself to feel deep pleasure.

Thinking about someone in a sexy way is sexy.

Sexy is a thumb touching your skin at the top of your jeans.

Staring contests are sexy.

Holding hands while ocean waves kiss your feet is sexy.

Naked is sexy.

Wearing your favorite sweatshirt and hat is sexy.

Lying next to someone and matching your breath with theirs is sexy.

Sexy is reading a book instead of watching TV.

Using your mind is sexy.

Sexy is being open to explore.

Creativity is sexy.

Sexy is walking in the moonlight and noticing the way it illuminates your skin.

The smell of rain is sexy.

Sexy is someone caring about what is important to you (and vice versa).

Eating slowly is sexy.

Breakfast brought to you in bed is sexy.

Sexy is noticing how sweet a sip of water can taste.

Sexy is sending someone you love a picture of yourself when you are feeling sexy.

Slowing down is sexy.

Listening to a saxophone in the subway is sexy.

Sexy is a gentle nibble on your ear.

Trust is sexy.

Consent is sexy.

Communicating is sexy. Really sexy.

Sexy is going down the uncharted path.

Taking a deep breath while looking at someone you care for is sexy.

Sexy is a state of mind—a way of being.

Sexy is knowing who you are.

Sexy is you, being you (on a webcam or not), authentically, consciously, and at every age.

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Author: Michele Bickley
Image: Author’s Own
Editor: Travis May
Copy & Social Editor: Catherine Monkman