Awake

I have read many stories and forums of people asking when they will heal and be able to move forward from the mind tangling chaos their narcissist left them in.  I was once one of the many searching for the same answer.   While I can’t offer a clear answer – there is not a time line – there are signs – big bold signs – that tell you are awake.  You realize the fog has lifted.  You no longer jump at every sound that isn’t of the norm.  The most revealing of all signs – you don’t answer the calls.

So many people will tell you to have no contact.  I can tell you – for me – that was not realistic.  Sure I tried it. Simply, not realistic.  We did not have children between us.  There wasn’t a bunch of property to settle.  What there was – 7 years.  7 years of vacations.  7 years of love.  7 years of sharing our children from previous marriages. And 7 years of absolute hell.  If you think you’ve heard stories of abuse.  My abuser took my mind in places I never knew imaginable. The turmoil of mental abuse is one you don’t ever get over. Sexual abuse doesn’t heal.  Bruises – heal.  Im not saying people that have been beaten had it better. But I am saying – there were many days I had much rather been beaten. That pain would have ended.

When I finally got the courage to walk away from my abusive husband , I was recently diagnosed with cancer for the second time…  I had also just found out he was having an affair with our yoga instructor  – who was 20 years his senior.  Here I was, at my most vulnerable , and he was sleeping with the woman who was supposed to be our spiritual guide.   Suddenly nothing made sense.   All the excuses I had made for him – no longer held value.   I wasn’t crazy.  I wasn’t lazy.  I didn’t love my kids too much.   All the things that caused him to torture me through the years…. no longer seemed like a big deal.  If you have loved a narcissist  — you have lived your life on eggshells.  You have had your children’s birthdays ruined because it wasn’t a day based on “the abuser”.   You have been told you weren’t good enough, you have felt like you were not good enough.  You have had sex used as a tool.  You have had the best sex of your life and been made to feel like the most beautiful person alive – only to have it taken away like a half eaten cone of your favorite frozen yogurt.   Left to dangle in front of you – if only you can be good enough.

When I left my abuser I took the phone calls, I felt the pain.   I stayed up at night begging it to stop.  Making deals with my god for one more chance to be a better wife.  I allowed my abuser to continue to abuse me while living his single life.   And then one day, I didn’t.   You want a timeline- there isn’t one.

My only advice is to remove yourself from the day to day chaos.   Feel the loss, miss being abused, wonder where YOU went wrong – and then one day wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and realize you are not, nor where you ever—-the problem.

Spend more time on self care – find a new hobby. Your hobby, not theirs.   Do not care what your abuser thinks about your new found hobby.  Do not care if they make fun of you.   If you remember one thing, remember this… when they make fun of you — they are insanely jealous.

I didn’t go no contact —   I didn’t cut him off  — and today – 2 years later, I take Pride in myself when I ignore that phone call.  Only you can decide when you are no longer a fuel source.   I’ve had a lot of therapy  – and praying – and meditation – but it was all for me.  That’s the key ….You want the pain to stop – start living for you … not the narcissist- you’ve done that – it’s time. for you  … Be awake – awake for you.

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