To the one who broke me.

I was heartbroken. It wasn’t that cry it out a few days, and it feels better heartbreak. It wasn’t one thing that pushed too hard. It was a long list of moments, that spanned days, weeks months, and years. Each moment and struggle reeked of one similarity. 

It was you. You controlled almost two years of my life. I was sure that I knew who I was, before you. Did you know what you were doing?

I became so vulnerable. It was you who decided that I was never good enough. One insult could throw off my whole day.You had so much influence that you were able to morph me into your muse. Change how I felt about myself, and replace my thoughts with yours. 

I didn’t realize until it was too late, just how much of me you took.The guilt trips, manipulation, and the way you isolated me, the words, insults, mocking, gaslighting, creating a person who you could shame and control, using love I felt for you. 

Funny how one person can influence you, into believing their thoughts. You were able to morph me into your muse. You replaced my own thoughts about myself, with yours. 

Now it’s irrelevant. But, it kept me sleepless and in tears more nights than not. I wondered to myself so many days and nights why. How did I allow myself to become so deluded into thinking things will get better. How did I allow you to kill me. 

It’s amazing how lonely you made me feel inside our relationship. But, also within myself and all my relationships. Because of you, I know how it feels to feel completely and utterly alone and helpless. I tried so hard to be strong. 

The weight of your words were all too much. Your shame and the humiliation left me too embarrassed to call even on my family and friends. 

You made me cry almost every day, in the last year we were together. I always ended up being the one apologizing. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was too emotional. I was not as good as this person or that one. Everything I did was wrong. You stole me from my own self. 

Outside of our relationship you built your own version of me. You created stories with our life- that never occurred. 

Fictional characters and stories. You claimed as truths. Every single person in my life was out to get you. Strange things began happening to you. People were stalking you. Sending texts from you. Reading your emails. Stealing from you. These things happened only to you. Just you. They always seemed to happen in the company of witnesses who were your friends, or family. 

You built an arsenal of lies to justify every single thing you did. You would twist words and over and over again. You knew exactly what you were doing, and why. 

This went on for over a year. Little by little you were pushing people from my life. I had to choose between you and everyone. You convinced me that you were being hurt. I believed you. I turned my back on the people who you accused. You used my trust and love to hurt me and people I cared for. I loved you. I had given so much effort to make it work. 

You were so convincing. You told me you loved me. You shared my same hopes, dreams, and beliefs as I did. All the effort was on my part. I moved. I allowed you into my sons life. I gave up my house, my dog, my car was sold for a more fuel efficient car to travel the 500 miles to see you. I was blind. 

Once you were pulled me away from my support system. You knew you had me in your grip. Your mask slowly faded. 

You can lie to others, but I held the truth. You launched a full blown campaign to humiliate,and hurt me. You justified and hid your assaults and abuse by convincing everyone that you were a victim. You punished me for your words and actions. If I ever said a word about the truth. You lunged at and made every effort to discredit me. In doing so, I became further and further detached from myself and the truth.

You knew all my secrets. Intimate details of my life. My struggles. My insecurities. Every struggle, abuse, hardship, painful details, that I had confided in you. You collected all those pieces of me. You used them as ammunition. Creating tiny holes that you ripped wide open, in the end. 

I lost every bit of confidence I had.My triumphs of overcoming pain and forgiving myself and people who hurt me. The lashes and verbal assaults would last days. You used silent treatment to control me. I was always wrong. I would have to grovel for your return. It’s so humiliating. I had never been that way. 

You snatched my light. You planted seeds of self doubt inside of me. They had grown so thick that I would have never escaped. The grip you had over me reshaped and reformed me. I was no longer the person I had once been proud to be. I was your muse. You refused to spend time with my family or friends you. You claimed they didn’t “respect” you. Any one that saw me cry, or knew you weren’t perfect, in my life, made you uncomfortable.

I was sexual assaulted when I was young, by 2 different men. I was a child, not an adult, or even a teenager. You used that to as a way to make me feel weak. You told me I had daddy issues because of my abuse. 

You used words like cunt and whore to insult me. I shared those words with you. They held so much pain from my past. You commented that my sex drive made me a whore, and stemmed from my assaults. 

You separated and isolated me from friends. Every male friend I had wanted to have sex with me. My female friends were sluts. You threatened my male friends. Destroyed my relationships.

You threatened me with my own pain. The few times I felt the courage to express sadness or hopelessness. You threatened to expose me to the world. You used phrases like “looney tunes” to your friends. You used as blackmail to stay silent saying you would use it to have my child taken from me.

I suffered a miscarriage. You never did anything to help me cope. I went to the surgery alone. A piece of me died in that loss. I would never regain. You blamed me. You said I was a pill junky for my adderall prescription. It killed the baby. You got drunk for 3 days and blocked my phone number. 

Silent treatment became your abuse method of choice. One more intimate detail I disclosed to you. My insecurities and anxiety that followed me from early in life. Abandonment, and silence. 

There were times I was so desperate to find comfort and for your unhappiness. I reached out to your friends and family. I made excuses for you, in my mind. It was the alcohol and the drugs. It was clear that you struggled with addiction. I began to find the breakfast beers, and how much you hid drugs and drinking. It was after I had shared my concerns about you with your friends- I sealed my own fate. You were never the same. I would never recover myself from you, after that. 

My worries about you and your recklessness intensified when you began mixing, medications, alcohol and drugs.Many nights I had to endure in silence. You became physical on those nights. 

A night when you would literally piss on me, because I was angry you mixed drugs. The nights you would be violent. Threaten to kill yourself. Nights I was so afraid I would drive 500 miles to make sure you were alive. You would threaten to kill your self then silence me. Refuse to speak. 

It was not these things that pushed me to choice of permanency. I somehow managed to survive the relationship. The damage was real. I was finding strength little by little. 

In the months prior to your exit from my life you were unbearable. You had all but stopped hiding yourself from me. The lies and abuse mounted in those two months.

You know exactly what you did. We both know. 

It was that, I would pay the ultimate price for. You had tried to hard and succeeded in your life, between friends to discredit me. You took steps to be confident I felt complete obliteration, in my life. I valued my privacy. I was so protective of my life. I never wanted my abuse or life experiences to define what people thought about me. I prided myself in healing. Not becoming a statistic. 

You released text messages. Stories of my assault. Messages in which you called me a cunt and a whore. You posted it to social media. You told the world that you didn’t have any thing to do with it. You took your hateful words, you sent to me. You lied. 

You changed my life. It’s not fair. You were never fair. You were never kind. I was not the only one. I watched you manipulate everyone in your life. I watched you cry at funerals of people you abandoned because you made mistakes. You refused to ever accept any fault. I cleaned up your messes for years. 

You repaid me by saying I was crazy. You used my childhood abuse, my child, my love for you, to destroy me. You made up lies. Publicly humiliated me. You cheated. The mounting lies tower well above any truth you ever had. You had no shame or remorse ever. You felt entitled to hurt me and anyone who threatened your lies. 

I tried empathize- but I could not. Knowing I cannot ever go back to the life I had worked so hard for. You smashed me into a thousand tiny pieces. I wanted to let it go. But, had I let go, it meant that what you did was okay. It’s not. It never would have been. 

My breath never stopped catching with the thoughts of you. The anxiety you caused by publicizing my pain for personal gain. I could have never accepted the depths that you dove into to hurt me.

I would have never been whole. I would never trust or love. I overcame abuse. The death of my high school sweetheart, who became my husband. So many losses and challenges I conquered. It’s you who gave me the want to seek permanency away from a life, that I built with honesty and pride.

It’s you who would drive me so deep into insecurities and an inability to trust myself. Inside you I found the guilt that I subjected my son and my family to my mistakes. You picked up like you never did a thing. Left me standing in the wreckage.

The aftermath of you. You are the reason. You.

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