Healing my “me too” with cock worship

How I am transmuting my “me too” through cock worshipping.

When the “me too” movement first happened, I felt all the feelings. It brought up so much. Myself, like many many other humans (1 in 10 chikdren will be sexually abused before the age of 18) had experienced sexual abuse. When I was 14 my first high school boyfriend, mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. I was in this abusive relationship for almost two years. When I ended it I was brutally attacked and raped violently, I had to fight for my life and the rape ended in a pregnancy that was aborted in secrecy. It all happened it secrecy but really the adults in my small town knew partially what was happening including my parents and the sheriff’s department.
I kept this inside for 14 years until my body started to break down and I could no longer hide my symptoms of PTSD.
I went to therapy and started to meditate, restarted yoga for the 100th time. I left my husband for the love of my own life. I started making art again. Not for anyone but myself. I started to write for the millionth time again. I started to remember what I loved again. I started to find myself again. I started to go to nature alone again. I started to give myself what I wanted others to give me. I started learning about healthy boundaries, neuroscience, trauma in the body, and slowly I started to heal myself.
I signed up for yoga trainings and started practicing kundalini yoga and somewhere between childs pose and breath of fire I found tantra. I devoured David Deida’s books. He spoke of opening to the full human experience. Opening your heart not only fully to love and light but to the death and darkness, the truth of it all.
Something happens when you are abused when you are raped. I have read that rape is worse than murder because the victim survives and is left with the trauma. I can’t speak of what being murdered is like but I can say the trauma of rape is not only mentally and physically harmful in short and long term but also spiritually to me, felt like a death again and again. Not only the times I was raped but the hours, days, years, a death of my soul again and again. But something happened as I started to love myself again, I knew that I didn’t have to live in depression and death every day. I wanted to transmute this deep hurt. I wanted to fill this deep longing to feel human again.
Through the study and practice of tantra and kundalini yoga I started to transmute this pain. I feel women who are abused and raped developed a mistrust in the least for men. I shared this feeling but as I started to trust myself I desired to be held in a masculine energy. I desired to love and be loved by a man I could trust and love. I desired the ultimate transmutation of my experiences in my first love as a teenager. So I started to practicing worshiping cock.
I didn’t run out and start having sexual relations with people, I started to become aware of my thoughts and feelings around men. I practicing looking at men as my brothers. In the grocery store, the bookstore, the men in the cars next to me or walking alongside me, I would energetically hold them in love. Imagining myself hugging them and giving and receiving unconditional love. In that practice i developed a deep compassion for myself for having so much anger for so long, I was able to start to release the self-hate. In that I was able to hold men and women alike in a deep space of compassion, releasing my feelings of anger towards them.
When “me too’ happened I started to see women and media lash out at men for the statics of abuse. I see the hate and understand the resentment and anger but I do not believe that is the way to heal our culture. The boy who abused me was hurt, he was abused, he was expressing love in the only way he had been taught. MY forgiveness was the gift I gave myself.
How can we as a society transmute this collective pain? The abusers are hurting the same. As the divine feminine steps into her power, we must recognize the softness and power of compassion and forgiveness. We must dance and create and hold hands to release and move back into our bodies. We must sit and breath and circle to move our spirits back into these beautiful bodies. How do we worship ourselves, by touching ourselves and taking long baths and standing naked in front of the mirror. What has been my alchemy of my “me too”? Worshipping the thing that caused me so much pain for so long. The cock, the entire being connected to it. Surrendering to the masculine energy of being held. Opening my throat and pussy and heart to fully taking in cock and love. Planning less and feeling more. Becoming powerful, open and soft. I have found safe masculine energies and friendships with men where I can explore these ideas of surrender. The more I open to others, the more I have been able to open to myself and honor yin and yang. The more I opened my heart to worship cock the more I opened to being loved, the more I opened to feeling human again the more I opened to being touched again. The day I stopped longing to be healed, love found me and held me forever…..

Here is a poem I wrote about finding forGIVEness and compassion and love again.

Dying while you are alive
Yogis spoke of it

Maybe like a surrender

Knowingness of the oneness

Near death experiences people

See the light

Either by spirit or on their death bed

The wildflower knows of it

If it does not die

It will not live again

Everything you took and gave

So was it your gift to me

Holding a knife to my throat

To my heart

Even if It took me a while to take a breath again

Even if I forgot to say thank you

Even if you forgot the pain was temporary

Slitting your own throat

To go back to the light again

Tried of tears you wanted to be the rain

So now I keep opening

There is no other choice

I know death will come to me again

And again

She is not fear

Only love

It does not matter how far you go out. or

How small, contracted, dark, invisible

It is still in infinite

It is still only love

You see this

You remember this

And like the seed

Buried deeply

Darkly

The rain, the mud, fat worm friends.

Playing roots like guitars.

True nourishment. Maybe a longing to expand

Again

So you feel this

With everything in you

Cracking open

Only infinitely

To push through the ground

Past the grinning grubs

The pebbles seems like boulders

At last the light

The place to expand

Bloom

Grow without patience

None is needed

Timeless. Always. Never ending.

Feeling the wind as endless as the mud was.

Blooming

Seeing yourself reflected 8 million times

Your fragrance 25 miles all around

A soul 1.5 ounces

Practicing love

Learning love

Feeling the wind

Listening to the grasses practice their music

They never stop practicing

They know love has a sound

Determined to find it

And what are you determined to do?

To soften your ears. Eyes. Heartspace.

To embroider with the golden thread

Humming while you make art

Letting it save you

Letting yourself be found

Through your brush strokes

Through your hands.

Nectar dripping from them.

From letting yourself be held.

From finding you here.

Your fingers in my ribcage.

One and one makes 11

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