Engaging, Rather than Avoiding, Intrusive Encounters.

Having our space intruded upon is unpleasant regardless of the situation, but how we extract ourselves can make the difference between walking away with an attitude like the one we had prior to the intrusion, or annoyed and grumpy. Being dismissive or short with beggars or anyone else who intrude, solicitors, Jehovah Witnesses, “chatty” people looking for a new friend, canvassers, and so forth, doesn’t help me develop tolerance and patience, both of which I can use more of.

In recent months I have learned to challenge myself to turn unpleasant encounters around by interacting with intruders by engaging with them. I learned this from a most unusual source: a very learned “Geshi” (the highest level of scholar of the Gelukpa tradition of His Holiness the Dalai Lama.) Geshis are known for their debating skills and must defend these skills regularly in the debating courtyards. I discovered that my new Geshi friend, Sangmo, spends a considerable time everyday engaging with street people and shopkeepers, with an eye towards turning a superficial encounter into a real conversation. It doesn’t have to be a negative encounter, he often just pops into a shop and starts talking with an aim to develop a real conversation, an engaging conversation.

Sangmo knows that as the Buddha says, “all living beings have the Buddha nature, and it is only because of false thinking and attachments that they fail to realize it,” and enjoys challenging his skill in logic and reasoning by squeezing out an intelligent conversation under seemingly impossible conditions. Not only does this help him develop a more humanistic attitude, but it will also serve him in the debating courtyards.

I have a problem with beggars, not all of them, but those who could do better than begging. Nevertheless, beggars of all variety are often in my face, whether in America, where I was four months ago, or Nepal, where I am now. I don’t like having a bad attitude towards anyone, because, whether the source deserves it or not, I am the one hurt by it. But, by virtue of a chance encounter with a truly deserving beggar, and picking up tips from Sangmo, I have learned to deal with them through sincere engagement and this has brightened up my attitude towards all shades of beggars, and all variety of intruders.

For example, a few weeks ago, I had just descended the seemingly endless stone stairway leading to the most revered stupa in Nepal, perched on a hillock in the Kathmandu Valley, the Swoayambu Stupa, whereupon arriving at its base, where taxis and my bicycle were waiting, I crossed the street to unlock my bicycle and was immediately fallen upon by a beggar, the real McCoy, half naked, barefoot, and deranged. I recognized him as the madman who had chased me before, as I departed the stupa on my bicycle, but this time he caught me.

Exhausted from the walk up and down the hillock and wishing to get home for my expresso, I was about to be short on words, dismissive, and abrasive, with this madman-beggar, a fault I all to often exhibit with “occupational beggars” who could work, but choose not to because begging is a better “gig.” But, this guy was completely crazy, and he knocked some sense into me, by grace of God, and I am so happy he did.

He looked like he hadn’t had a bed that wasn’t a gutter in months. His hair was shoulder length, straight, but infused with so much filth it stood out like Jimmy Hendrix’s, he had no shirt and was covered in months of dirt, his pants were fighting him as he continuously pulled them in place, his bare feet may never in a long, long, while been in anything separating him from the earth that he walked upon. He was about thirty years old, in your face obnoxious and demanding money. But, he truly knew no better “gig” than begging, and this was also obvious.

I reached in my pocket to get some money for him and be done with it, when I noticed in my attitude a dismissiveness towards him, no real warmheartedness, or sympathy. I thought to myself, “slowdown in dealing with this situation, feel it, don’t just give money to get rid of him.” “But how,” I thought.

An idea suddenly came to me. Although I had ten-rupee notes in my pocket, an amount appropriate for a beggar, I instead pulled out a 100 rupee note, and asked him to give me 90 rupees in change. Then the fun began.

Of course, wishing to secure the 100-rupee note, he said he had no money. I could have well afforded to give 100 ruppes to him ($1.US), but then the problem of my failure to feel the situation would not have been resolved. I felt dismissive and irritated and knew I could do better. So, I watched him search his two pant pockets about ten times, with various forms of animation and facial expressions, accompanied by his mantra, “paisa chaina” (I have no money), as I busied myself teasing him about lying to me, until finally he came clean, gave me my change, and we both managed to go our way laughing.

Since that occasion I have often rerun the same routine and have found in bargaining with beggars a way to make a human connection with them. And, more than money, I think this is important for both of us. I know if I were begging, how much a smile along with a coin would mean to me.

It is a challenge to make a distressed person laugh, and I find that when I am successful, I also walk away feeling better. I cannot wait till I am back in the USA and can flag a hundred-dollar green back in front of a destitute beggar and here the cries of poverty as he or she searches their shopping carts seemingly to no avail, until I make a move to go my way, and then watch the cash turn up.

People who I may not wish were part of my day, may also wish that circumstances or poor job opportunity had also not made them part of my day, or their day, for that matter, but it is what it is. I should not only know that, but make the best of it. It is a challenge I am learning to meet by embracing rather than escaping the interruptions that would otherwise be a unwanted distraction. With this approach both sides benefit, rather than neither side. Thank you Sangmo!

Comments