I wrote about love, love as we get older, the joy of a constant companion, everyday, simple pleasure.



My name is Paula Mcgeean. I am 40somthing mom, lover,, artist and blogger. I write about life, love and I try to connect  with my audience through every day images and experiences. Find me on Instagram @paulawanderer and on Facebook Paula Kilian.                                           The following was written about love, the beauty of aging and the pleasure of waiting for the one you love.                                                                                             Waiting.

We are sitting outside in the autumn sun.I am leaning over you, trimming your hair before you leave to work in the Baltic.

It is not a new scenario. It is familiar and comfortable. Behind me a little boy hammers away at rocks, a robyn calls in the witstinkhout tree and our chickens are scruffling close by.

I am so close to you that I can smell your scalp, your hair. My senses are overwhelmed with memories of your dad, his smell, his scruffy beard.

You smell the same. It is a gentle, manly, comforting smell. I suddenly feel deeply melancholic. I stop for a moment and stroke the grey stubble.

Are we getting older? In the general chaos of everyday life, I don’t always notice the small changes. They tick by, creep in, like the moving hands on a clock. You can’t stop them.

Time goes by too fast. I want to capture this moment, hold on to the peace, drink in the contentment I feel all around me.

Soon your purple bag will be packed and ready at the door. We will head to the airport and you will be gone in a wisp of vapour to earn your living off shore.

I will long for everyday niggles and bumps that usually irritate me. Our conversations will be fleeting, fast and interrupted by an excited toddler missing his dad.

I will have tea alone in the mornings, I will have time to ponder on trivialities and time to paint and to write.

This month stretches out in front of me like a desert. It is wide and open and daunting. The nights will be cold and the days hot, overwhelming, strenuous.

Hopefully, like in a desert, there will be hidden beauty. Time alone brings new insights, new appreciation, fresh perspective.

Today I am thinking about the last ten years and my journey with you. I am thinking about our shared love of the ocean, wind, silence. I am thinking of the challenges, how exposed one is, how vulnerable when you choose to walk beside someone, to open yourself up. We have often trodden with heavy muddy boots on this delicate relationship. We have often swept all the dirt under the mat and pretended all was well.

Love is not easy. Love when you have a toddler is almost impossible. I am surprised we have survived.

We have. We are, but not merely surviving. We live, learn, teach. We argue, struggle through and then come back to this strange place of peace and comfort.

I remember the words of a younger man.He once said a man could easily chase after younger unfamiliar women. Look for excitement and sex with strangers , but it’s fleeting. He said nothing is more fulfilling than making love to someone you know, someone who understands your frailties, fears. Someone with whom you can be vulnerable, laugh with, fall asleep next to without worrying about what you look like when you wake up the next morning.

I am so incredibly lucky. We are smoothing out bumps, sometimes with a road grader! It’s not always easy, but it is so worth it.

This month is worth it. I am waiting for you. We are. Every bit of loneliness is worth it, because at the end of this desert lies the open ocean and I love sailing with you.

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