Face your darkness, don’t transfer it to another.

The after effects of traumatic relationships are different for everyone. Some go full throttle into therapy. Some hide themselves away or foster addiction in avoidance. Some become so full of themselves, believing their friends who lovingly and supportively say “You’re tough, you got this!”, that they dont let the healing begin.

As someone who thought herself tougher than her pain, I am here to tell you….you are not.

If you do not address the demons that haunt you, they will take over. You will find yourself seeking endlessly for something to complete you, for something to replace what you’ve lost. The fear of further trauma will blind you to any beauty that presents itself.

In your quest to be whole again, someone will get hurt, it may be you by causing more damage or it may be a lover, some unsuspecting soul who is there to love you, even the broken pieces.

The hardest part about healing our hearts is that it takes painful soul searching, brutal honesty and learning the healing powers of solitude.

In my personal experience, the one who got hurt was a man who loved me in all the ways I’d wished for, he fought for me, supported me and wanted nothing in return but for me to love him.

Because the damage from my past was never worked on, I did not believe I deserved to be loved, the only thing I knew for certain was not to trust. People lied, people left…the fear took over. I didn’t understand why I was doing this to the person I loved. I became cold. I pushed him away. I left that sweet hearted man who did everything to please me, breaking both of our hearts. In the end, I became what I feared. Hurt people, just people…the saying is hauntingly true.

The realization that this may have been my only chance at real, lasting love, that I had chased away the one meant for me, did not occur to me as the fear of being hurt clouded my brain and hardened my heart.

After an enlightening experience sone months later, I began writing short articles and stories, baring my truth publicly. Not long after, I began writing a book about my past. I wanted it to be an uplifting book about surviving hardships and rebuilding your self, but, in order to do this, I had to to dig deep, I had to heal. That decision launched me onto the most painful journey of my life. I looked straight in the eye of everything I had endured, the role I played in each event, the way I responded to stress and hurtful things and, the worst part…admitting that I had transferred my pain to a person who meant no harm.

Finally acknowledging it all and forcing myself to be open to the memory of that person brought back all of the love I had for him. I’d kept it buried beneath the denial and fear. Accepting that this person is lost to me now and I’ve got only myself to blame is a hard pill to swallow, but, learning to forgive yourself and prevent it from happening again is the best one can do.

I share this as a wake up call to anyone burying their pain. Being hard and closing your heart dies not make you tough, strong or invincible. The real strength comes from walking through the depths of or sorrow with open eyes, not looking away from the ugly stuff. The beauty on life lies just beyond the valley of our pain.

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