5 Things I Realized After Letting Go Of an Almost Relationship

After so many years of believing no one’s gonna see my worth, someone then came, making me feel that maybe he is the What If I have been waiting for. I have been wanting and maybe needing for so long. It was rainbows and butterflies all over my head and body. He made me feel that I was so special, that I deserve all the effort he was giving. My heart was full. That’s what I thought. 

One day, it all changed. He couldn’t wait for me any longer. Maybe he got tired of understanding my unending dilemmas. He got tired reading between the lines. Maybe it took him so hard to understand that all those “I-care-for-yous” are better than verbally saying I love you. 

But I guess uncertain things like these just have to end like that. Here are the 5 things I realized after letting go of an almost relationship.

The feeling of incompleteness during the first few days or even months.

A day will come when you’ll suddenly feel so lost, the daily routines you once have had will suddenly change, will actually end. It’s either you’ll need to continue doing it alone or never do it anymore.

The good morning messages that used to wake you up will now be replaced by your set tune on the alarm clock. The “Take care, message me when you arrive”, “Eat your food on time”, text reminders will eventually turn into *sighs* realizing no one cares anymore whether you’ve arrived safely on your workplace or school or even if you skip your meals.

The sadness will sink in during the alone moments.

Whether you’re alone in the car, listening to some tracks you two have shared with each other or even in the shower while the water runs through your face. The tears, your tears will surely suddenly flow. Not realizing enough that you are drowning in sadness. Those late night hits will crash you down to your bones while you’re trying so hard meddling with yourself not to touch your phone so you won’t call or text him with your “I miss you so much and I want you back” messages. I know your heart hurts the most at 3 AM.

The memories will keep you haunted.

No matter how hard you deny, you will miss everything about him. Kind of creepy, but you will probably see a vision of him wherever you go. Mostly on places where you used to create those precious memories. The café shop near his place where you stayed during your long, late night conversations. The restaurant that serves his favorite dish. You will look for him in someone else’s smile. Unconsciously wanting his caress again, you will long for his smell and the traces of his warm touch on your skin. The way he made you laugh will never ever be the same as how others do no matter how hard they try. His face might appear in someone else’s smile but you will suddenly remember that it’s impossible, that it’s never going to happen again.

The questions will stay unanswered.

When will you even really consider Almost Relationships have already ended? When he left without saying any goodbyes. Those who just ghosted you without even explaining where or when did you go wrong. Or when someone says they’ll be leaving because they now have someone more special? Then there comes your deeper Whys.

Why did he chose to look for another if all this time I was with him creating the story of us? Or was it just me? Am I not worth fighting for? Not worth holding onto? Regardless if reasons were given before you were left behind, questions will keep coming in your mind. Because people may come and go, but how they leave, always stays.

This kind of relationship will break your heart the most.

The rainbows will suddenly lose colors, sometimes it all turns to gray. The butterflies all over your head and body will fall out and will just leave you with shivers and aches. Endings for Almost Relationships will always be substantial. When there’s a separation for official relationships, there are possible clear or sometimes an agreed reason why you two can no longer push through with the relationship. Which somehow helps you to either move on easier or somehow just let go. Sometimes you’ll ask yourself why you’re crying when actually you know for a fact that your story is made up of “Should have been” and “What Ifs”.

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