This is my story of recovery, resilience, and beauty.

Some relationships leave us grateful, some leave us with lessons. For those who have been in abusive relationships, we are not only shattered, but left utterly confused to pick up the pieces of who we once were to try to create a new being; a stronger, more resilient being who has found grace, independence and strength. This is my story of recovery, of learning how to be the right amount of strong and the right amount of vulnerable in a time when I thought I may never know my spirit again. This is for those who have been through trauma, who have transformed and created their own world of beauty and light.

I belong to the Survivors who carry around grace like their life depends on it

Because if our hearts close,

We lose the one thing that we’ve fought for our whole lives.

That open heart is not up for negotiation,

Nor the scars it carries.

We are no longer broken.

We radiate kindness, warmth and light.

I can be grateful to you for that without ever wanting anything in return

Because this woman who stands tall today was built despite your efforts to keep her small.

 

All I wanted was someone to tell me I was beautiful there behind my image,

But as less of a body and more of a soul I don’t blame them for not knowing the difference

between what I put out into the world and what I truly am.

 

I’m learning to get out of my own way

To let the sunlight and the perfect riffs melt walls I’ve spent sleepless nights on.

I built them with my naked heart and calls

So if you need to find me,

Follow the path of broken armor and melted walls.

 

I’ll never ask to be given the sky

But if I could surrender to it,

I would feel a little more connected to the choices being made for me.

I feel me breaking open,

Slowly cracking my shell of armor and leaving it strewn about windy trails and tiny coffee

shops where my pen can now flow freely.

As once in desperate love notes and sorry excuses it is now free for me to claim and write

about a heart and soul that someone may take the time to get to know someday.

 

And I’m not waiting,

I am creating the kind of woman who fills herself with stories of passion and adventure

that are shared only with those who will cherish her vulnerable heart.

I know I’m not easy to love

Or easy to find when I wander seeking my own truth.

It’s usually dispersed in nature between droplets of water that pool together to create a

body as complex and resilient as my own.

 

If you listen closely, you’ll start to hear stories of alchemy,

Turning destruction in to beauty,

And pain into good stories that my grandchildren will laugh at someday

When we look around the table at our family of writers and poets and those who’ve

mastered the art of being uncomfortable.

 

I forget that discomfort sometimes.

That when the blood flows away from my fingers,

And the constriction of the world freezes me from the inside out

That I am saving my fire from burnout.

I now realize those dark moments

Were when I was learning how to struggle,

Learning how to speak,

And learning how powerful I am when I listen.

 

So test me again and watch me rise with the sun

Because once the frost fades he’ll realize he never had a grasp on my rough hands, thick

lips, or wild mind anyway.

Sure I’ll be spending the next few years knocking down the very walls it took so much

effort to build.

I thank the endless hands and hearts that have helped me carry this load

But now thick thighs and heavy shoulders are ready to set this weight down,

And sprint full speed towards the nearest landscape that will allow me to take a deep

breath and will ignite my soul in return with a view that lets me say it looks a lot like hope

from here.

I know from now on each fall is another chance to prove to myself how strong I’m not

I no longer need to hide this vulnerable heart

 

So thank you all for your concern

But from now on I’ll be setting myself free.

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