This Little Light

Once upon a time, I completely let go.

….or so I thought.

I let go, and I went all in. And with no hands, even!…still, I got lost.

I had no idea what happened. Seriously, what just happened? Where the hell was I? Who the hell was I? I couldn’t see a damn thing, I could only feel what I imagined was happening all around me. Then, after a while, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that hurt more than anything. I’d like to say I’ve gotten lost only once before, and that I’d learned my lesson after finding my way back.

But that wouldn’t be in true “Carls” fashion, would it?

I’ve made bets, and lost. I’ve made choices, losing my head, my balance, and nights of sleep. I’ve fallen in love, and with so much audacity and fever that I’d forgotten how to use those muscles in my heart and I actually ached. I fell so hard that it broke. I broke. Every single piece. And once again I was lost, with no way out.

…you already know it’s coming, don’t you?

The light? The light! The teeny, tiny, but consistent little light that starts to burn brighter and beat faster with every single chunk of tangled history and emotion that you decide to pick up or let go of, and you can feel it coming. I don’t know how big your light looks to you, if you’re running to it, or just walking as fast as you can manage towards it as the tears run down your face, believing that once you reach it, you’ll finally find your way out, and get to the other side. I don’t know about all that, but I do know where it is. It’s right inside of you. It’s inside your chest and in the bottom of your belly, it’s in the back of your throat and wrapped inside your arms. Everything you need, it’s there. Take it. Grab onto it and keep going.

The path may be unstable, and really uncomfortable, and so big that you feel suffocated. It may hurt like hell. Keep….going.

So, I practice my part. I walk my talk and I tell myself to keep going. Just keep running, and don’t stop. Don’t look back. Keep running, with arms wide open still, and let the eyes widen because you’ll want to remember every single second of it. Every single second is a beat of the heart that carves every step along the way to get you where you’re supposed to be.

But, somehow still, I was lost.

So I got on a plane. I made wishes on Swedish cookies and climbed a Lighthouse and I cried, a lot, and I let the bullshit be bullshit. After an immeasurable amount of precious moments, tied together and adorned ‘cross my own precious mind and heart, I ended up in Beverly Hills, on the rooftop of the most beautiful hotel, practicing yoga with some one hundred strangers and one of whom, I was always destined to know. I twisted. I bent. I got upside down, I cried, and I was still. I felt my heartbeat. I felt it.

I saw the little light.

So I ran.

But this time, I wasn’t running away from anything. I ran as fast as I could, clenching my fists and then…the release. I emptied my palms and I let go. I let the tears stream down my face, I let the smile stretch across the mouth that will never give up saying I love you. I ran, with arms wide open, towards that little light. Towards my other side.

And I don’t have to be any other place right now, but right here. In this heart and in this thought and inside the freedom that permits and summons me to share both. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

This time, when I let go, I found the light. I found myself.

So I’m in. I’m all in. And this little light of mine…

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