Growth and Healing in the Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse

A few weeks ago, I visited friends who live in another state— a couple whom I met two years ago while on vacation. They took me floating along the river near their home for a leisurely afternoon of laughs and all-around good vibes. While putting their raft in the water, an endeavor that required a lot of teamwork, we ran into a bit of a setback when a branch created a small hole in the tube. We employed more teamwork with a side of crisis management, and it was smooth floating from there.

About 30 minutes after re-entering the water, my friend said to me, “You know, two years ago when we first met, I don’t think you would have handled that situation as well as you did. You would have gotten flustered and given up.” I let her statement ruminate for a bit. She was right.

Two years prior, I had been in an emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship with a partner who demonstrated characteristics commensurate with narcissistic personality disorder, which left me in a constant state of anxiety. Narcissists tend to have an exaggerated sense of self without regard for others’ feelings. They seek partners who will provide them with an ample supply of admiration, then attempt to control and dominate those individuals through manipulative tactics such as gaslighting, belittling, and rage – to name a few. Once victims have been depleted of their narcissistic supply, most narcs will discard their partners without explanation (read: ghosting). At which point the relationships themselves may be over but, recovery from these traumatic experiences can require a significant amount of time and effort.

I thought my secret hell had been well hidden. But my friend’s statement indicated others recognized how unsettled I was. Instead of being offended or taken aback by her feedback, I felt free. How wonderful it was to know that the shackles of abuse were noticeably releasing me of their bondage. My light was beginning to shine again. And I couldn’t be happier. I began to reflect on how I transitioned to a place of healing.

My recovery process began about a year and a half ago when I began seeing a therapist. I was a little skeptical at first considering my previous attempts at therapy had been crappy. A combination of misery and desperation forced me to give it another try. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Each week I am a faithful steward of my therapist’s couch. While I don’t kick my feet up and stare at the ceiling (I should try it one day), I have become a fervent supporter of including mental health and mindfulness in one’s self-care regimen. Our weekly sessions provide new levels of self-awareness and breakthroughs. Most of which would not have been achieved without therapeutic support.

Another purposeful change that has helped my healing process is taking stock in all of my personal relationships, and limiting those that have negative effects on me. Have you ever known people who drain your energy each time you interact with them? If so, evaluate their place in your inner circle. A lesson I learned in therapy is that relationships change. And that’s perfectly fine. You are in control of who you let in and how you let them affect you. Energy vampires no longer have a place in my life, and I have seen a substantial change in my well-being. I encourage everyone to do the same.

Last, but certainly not least, taking time out for self-care has been a huge part of my journey. Pay attention to your mental, physical, and emotional needs then fulfill them. Sometimes it is as easy as sitting in silence or reading a book. Other times it might require calling a friend to express your emotions and telling them what you need. Years ago I would have found revealing my emotions weak, and been mortified to reach out to others for support. But that is what good friends do. I am no longer ashamed to embrace those amazing souls who I have been blessed to call friends.

Lingering effects of narcissistic abuse can impact victims’ well-being long after the actual abuse has occurred. It is important to take the appropriate measures to heal your wounds so that these cracks do not create fissures in your foundation – figuratively speaking. A substantial amount of emotional grunt work may be required, but a brighter and healthier future awaits us once we begin to truly care for ourselves.

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