A letter to my Light. (coming Home from depression)

Dear Light,

I need you to listen closely.

We spent the first 24 years of my life together, and so I suppose it was time I needed a new perspective. Without intention, I allowed Dark to step in and steer the ship. I don’t believe you two have ever met – I tried so hard to protect you.

You’ve always been my favourite. The days with you full of joy and love. Full of hope, full of belief in myself, and full of vitality. Days with Dark have been heavy. They’ve been without joy, without hope, without a will to keep above water. The days have dragged on without you around, and I’ve been carrying a weight I can’t quite name. Each day spent inching farther and farther from you, and the Self that I knew. The days progressed into gradients of gray as I tried to keep hold of control. I held on tight but dusk turned to dawn and you faded out further in the distance. I could carry on with the stories of days spent endlessly wiping waterfalls from my cheeks, the nights spent wishing I would fall into an endless sleep, and feeling that I alone was the only unworthy one. Layers of shame and guilt found their home on my skin until I could no longer see my flesh in my reflection. I was lost, taken over by the fear that I would never feel your presence again.

But sweet Light, I do not want to dim your bright with the details of these past days. Instead, I want to tell you the lessons that have come from it. Today I was reminded that there is a medicine to be found in our shadows. The Dark brought offerings that have enlightened me in a way that your rays never could. Dark brought with it the teaching that only in stillness and lack of light can we truly see ourselves. Only in the most pitch of black do we feel the depth of our most vital relationships. The days of Dark built resilience and strength. It was only in the scariest, loneliest times that I realized that I am guided on a path so grand that not even you Light, could have shone the way.

So sweet Light, I want you to know you are loved. I always thought that you were who I was, entirely. What made me the person I am. But the last year has shown that two halves are greater than a whole, and I need you both to make up the infinity that is me. I am Light, speckled with spots of Dark, and that makes me human. And this year, my humanity has saved my human life. I am ready to embark on a new voyage balancing the scales of you two. I commit to keep living, forever grateful for the presence of you both.

So Light, I’m ready.

To welcome you back home.

You are safe here.

And we’re ready to be whole again.

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