How to Live Life Fully Through Experience and Not Achievement.

Two months ago I landed in the ER with a panic attack that persisted for three days. I hit a wall in my life and couldn’t go one step further without someone helping me. One can only do so much on their own. One is only meant to do so much on their own.  

I tried out self employment. I wanted to be a Therapist in a private practice. I wanted to help people in deep and meaningful way that also showed I was important and intelligent. It wasn’t a bad goal, but it didn’t work out and I’m still not sure why. I know that it felt like too much pressure. Too much pressure to be the stable one who has it all together, the shining example of mental health who can bestow upon others their wisdom. Too much pressure to heal and fix everyone while also trying to keep my lights on.  

After the ER visit I quit my therapy job and moved back home with my parents. I sleep in my childhood bedroom, and due to a recent breakup I also happen to be single. I’m 36 and this is not how I saw my life going. Not surprisingly I’ve been struggling with a lot of shame. Shame that I’m not married. Shame I don’t have a kid and a house in the suburbs. Shame I don’t send out Christmas cards every year to my friends and family exclaiming, “Wishing you a warm holiday! Love, Brandon, Jen, and little Zoey!”  

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life overcome, overwhelmed, and overtaken by my shame, but recently I’ve been laughing at my shame because every decision I made to get to this point was conscious. Some might think my life is here because of a series of failures, but the truth is I’m 36, single, and living at home because every time someone offers me something that can tie me down I say no. I’ve said no to many men who wanted to get serious, and I’ve said no to well paying jobs. I even said no to my yoga studio when they offered me a reduced monthly rate in return for a six month commitment because what if I find a better studio three months in?

I like feeling free, like at any moment the wind will uproot me and carry me to my next journey.  The next journey may also result in me cradling my knees in fetal position on my bathroom floor, but hey at least I lived. At least I did something out of my comfort zone. I would have much rather played it safe with a regular full time job with benefits and stable pay.  I would have much rather remained doing the same work I had been for the past decade. But I felt called to do something bigger and I’m so proud of myself for going for it.

It took me three years to get my license, build a client base, and actually start making good money. Then once I did I turned around and was done, just like that. I crossed the finish line and collapsed. So now I have to spend the next six months licking my wounds, navigating the darkness, and cursing myself. Why didn’t it work out? Why do I always have to push myself to the point of exhaustion? Why do I always throw everything up in the air when I finally feel settled in life?

But the truth is I Iove it here and I regret nothing. I find beauty and freedom in falling into the depression my last adventure left behind. The darkness used to terrify me but now I find such aliveness there, and the deeper I allow myself to fall the deeper I experience life, and the more beautiful and joyful the recovery. The pain rips me open and life fills me back up, and each time I know myself a little better.  

This is what truly living looks like. Not following a predetermined path drawn by your society, community, or family. Not crossing life achievements off a list. Not obtaining the image of success and selling it. This type of life will leave you bored and wondering what’s missing. No, truly living is following your heart, and listening to your soul. Do the things that move you and make you feel alive, even if it breaks your heart. Live life fully by embracing the highs and lows and lose yourself to the present moment where pain, fear, beauty, and the ordinary collide.

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