A bunch of timeless lessons coming from a challenging relationship

This is internet. 7 seconds (less than goldfish) attention span.

Starting with summary, here are the most important pieces right off the bat:

Holding on to fixed views
Not being adaptive to change.
No gratitude and appreciation.
No honest communication.
No quality time together.

For enhanced clarity: being in the same room on a computer does not count, on the other hand passionate and intimate sex is a powerful bonding force, ask the little guy oxytocin.

After messing everything up, here are some healing practices (coping mechanisms) too:

Forgiveness
Self-love
Realising that we or one, I cannot really change the past, non-attachment, everything is temporary anyway.

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Most of the points here are universal and can be applied to the majority of the population – that is why decided to put some extra effort and publish on the Elephant Journal. Using personal writing style – some will not like it but I’m hoping that some of you will simply get it.

Sometimes it is beyond obvious.

Sometimes it is borderline embarrassing (err on the side of transparency)

Sometimes it is coming with the delay.

Dropping emotional luggage and allowing myself for forgiveness.

No operating manual to life but you can pick and choose your favourites.

••••• (optional) context and background information •••••

We were working in London and saving money for Burning Man, in Nevada desert. Las Vegas is also in Nevada, let’s get married in Vegas (after 6 months of dating). In order to get married, engagement is required – it happened at Chemical Brothers (and Aphex Twin) performance in the Hyde Park.

We were in love, we were married, we had a bright future ahead, we were roaming around deep playa… You are never really ready to have a child, we gave it a chance.

Soon after Burning Man I was supposed to start a new job in a new country. We had some complicated logistics with everything, also the hormones of early pregnancy were in play, not to mention default world alignment.

Till this day I do not know exactly what has really happened, what was the cause what way the effect. No way of knowing, it’s irrelevant now. Got fired on my first day from the job I always wanted… Truly “Rites of Passage” – theme of 2011 event.

From there everything went backwards, starting with depression and not being supportive during the pregnancy. I didn’t man up. I should realize that circumstances have changed, what’s gone it’s gone, now we are in “now”, a new version of reality is present.

••••• We learn faster through mistakes •••••
Some lessons had to be repeated – lack of adaptability sucks. Would be easier if I was less resistant to change.
Holding on to fixed views – it is OK to have a plan but it is also OK to change strategy as new information becomes available.
Change is the only thing that is not going anywhere – law of the impermanence.

••••• Easy life, happy life •••••
For a long time I was thinking that I’m an exception to a rule… Know the rules and know when to break them.
Some of the rules are here for a reason and most of the time it is easier just to follow them.
Not everything you do has to be outright crazy.
Play the rules and bend them a little.

••••• Your family is on your team •••••
They are using different languages but ultimately they love you and want to help you.

••••• Other people think (and communicate) differently•••••
Not everyone is a computer geek like me.
Don’t be too attached to wording and semantics.
At some point we managed to establish a safe word “intuition” for decisions that I couldn’t understand with my logical mind.

••••• Brain body heart connection•••••
Less intellectualising please.

••••• Physical exercise, running, gym •••••
Something that will push and challenge you to be more in your body, rather than in your head.
Just dance however bad.

••••• Intellectual understanding is not nearly enough •••••
I was listening to an audiobook https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning

These guys were able to maintain enthusiasm in the worst imaginable conditions. I was on the other end of the spectrum. Working in a good job, beautiful family, attending various events and festivals – and yet miserable and unhappy.

••••• Power of intention •••••
I got married for wrong reasons, wrong time and wrong place.
Fear – I don’t want to be alone.
Embarrassment – we already announced, didn’t want to cancel.

Tangent: fear and embarrassment are low frequency emotions – https://youtu.be/CuM678WXs0c?t=7m56s – amazing talk “How to Change Your Frequency to Change Your Reality” by Christie Marie Sheldon

Making other people happy – making parents proud.
Young, still have a chance to recover, better to make mistake now. That’s what I meant borderline embarrassing – doing something that you know is stupid just to learn from mistakes.

••••• Invest all the money before I spent it on lawyers handling divorce •••••
Your wish is my command, during the crypto explosion most of my cash was tied up in a an unsuccessful project.

••••• Opportunity cost•••••
You doing A is you not doing B.
To relax and chill is sometimes the best option.
Nothing Is Something Worth Doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tVs_R8-WT0

•••••• Live here and now •••••
I thought divorce is inevitable. You were too pessimistic.
Investing in my body – when material possessions are gone, body will remain with me, at least in this life.
No point in saving money to buy a house – that would make divorce more complicated.

Step on these ANTS – automatic negative thoughts. Great advice from Jim Kwik: https://londonreal.tv/e/jim-kwik/

••••• Restore balance, regain flow •••••
Have a practice that is putting you back to centre.
I suggest sweating in the sauna that is removing toxins from the system on the physical level and a yoga class with your favourite teacher.
Meeting with a friend. Going for a run. Something…

••••• Don’t make decision from the position of hate •••••

••••• Don’t make decision in an unstable emotional state •••••
Recognise difficult emotional states.
So difficult to build, so easy to destroy. Trust is a perfect example of that.

••••• Seasonality •••••
Winter depression in the UK.
Poland is colder but minus temperatures, Sun and snow feels much nicer.
There are cycles in nature, there are cycles in life. Period.

••••• Asking for help •••••
First thing after baby is born is to cry, asking for help.
As a grown up don’t cry just ask politely and from a truly vulnerable place.
Don’t pretend that you know everything and can figure it out.
Ask for help and if your friends cannot handle your emotional vomit – seek specialists.

••••• Money management •••••
Not spending enough when needed.
Spending too much to compensate.
Money is a stored energy that can buy you time. Uber is an perfect example of that.

••••• Solve the right problem •••••
Ask “why” a few times, find an underlying issue. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5_Whys

••••• Meditate •••••
At some point I was worried – unable to sit a silent retreat – but then it got worse and I had to surrender. That was one of the best things that happened to me in a long time.

••••• Everyone has difficult •••••
We stretch our comfort zones. Big guys have big problems, African kids want to get enough food and water to survive till next day.

••••• Non-duality •••••
You can be both right or wrong.
There is more to reality than meet the eye.

••••• It’s not the event, it is the reaction to the event •••••
Such a different attitude.

••••• Observe the progress, enjoy the journey ••••••
Goals take time to accomplish.
Children take time to grow.
Despite all the fuckups, I am able to observe progress in many areas of life.

••••• Have difficult conversations early •••••
It’s not easy, that’s why “difficult conversation” has “difficult” in the name.
But letting it escalate is unlikely it easier.

••••• Unconditional love exists •••••

••••• Focus on real life, real life is better •••••
You are enough, you are worthy of love. Permission not required to feel good and be happy.

At some point I would like to express a few more realisations regarding intimacy and sexuality but I want to respect the space.

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MOVING ON

The worst is over, or least I believe that the worst is over.

(executive decision – the worst is over now – no way, not coming back to all this drama)

Healing will take some work, time and patience.

Human spirit is resilient, if there is a will, there is a way.

Not everyone gets that many chances in life, not everyone has a chance to start fresh at the age of 32.

I’m a grateful to what I had experienced, probably wouldn’t trade them, definitely a more complete human.

If a current situation is results of previous actions, if life is sum of previous experiences, then… Such an interesting reality we live in. How can you define real?

See you in 5D

The artwork – “Cosmic Namaste” by Nita Kravetz – used with permission – http://www.flura.ua/art/52.html

PS. This video is beyond next-level, without exaggeration I’ve seen it at least dozen of times… Each time finding more meaning: https://youtu.be/DrephigiibA Cannot recommend highly enough!

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