Some days I feel alone and anxious, especially anxious, like nothing is ok and I am expecting the worse to come. I’ve felt this way countless times and have watched friends, family and strangers wear loneliness and anxiety like a straight jacket, an unforgiving and exhaustive struggle. The thing is, we have to go through the worst of times to appreciate the best of times and be thankful for what is good. Or, can we be thankful for what is good and serves us well regardless of our current circumstances?
It is easy to share the highlights of our lives and conceal the lowlights from others. Why do so many of us do this, including me? “Yes I’m ok, everything is great!”. Why is the fear that we may be labelled, be stigmatised, be ‘unlovable’ or be rejected too much to contemplate? Maybe we should seek to recognise that our flaws and our quirks make us who we are and be proud of our scars that highlight that we have had the courage to get through the most difficult of times. How can others love us when we don’t love ourselves, or love ourselves enough?
Our ego thrives when we give way to fear and negativity and demoralising thoughts and feelings only grow stronger and seek to put us in our ‘place’ and dim our light. Our desire for happiness and contentment seems frustratingly and quite often out of reach.
Sometimes we become stuck in the mindset that we should be making progress and more often than not, unforgivingly demand this of ourselves time after time. ‘I should be doing more’ to move forward and ‘I should have life figured out by now’. Why can’t I do this? What is wrong with me? However, we cannot be a shining ray of light all the time, nor can we do all of the above consistently without breaking ourselves at some point.
I don’t know how some people stay so positive, for what appears to be ‘all of the time’. I admire, desire and strive for this I really do. To have a consistently positive outlook sounds like an answered prayer to me ‘the holy grail’ and a worthy prison sentence for my fears. However, the thing is, I just don’t think I have the continuity in me to sustain this thought and healing process because I cannot re-act to every situation in the same way or with the same positive thought process. Is there a possibility I could change, ‘we’ could change? After all where their is love there is hope. I hope to change.
What can we actually do to heal and how do we truly love and accept ourselves? Healing ourselves can be hard and sometimes not attractive and if we’re all really honest it can be pretty darn exhausting too! However, we have to be there for ourselves with no judgment. We have to make ourselves a priority in order to survive and we have to speak up even when our voices are quiet and trembling and we think no one is listening; for even the quietest voice can roar.
Often I look at people and wonder how they do it. How wonderful it must be to be free of the emotional baggage. Have an easier life, if there is such a thing? I question what’s wrong with me and where I am going wrong; especially when I find myself here, again! Some days it’s relentless.
The truth is and I do believe this wholeheartedly, that we need to pause, re-focus, take a breath and make ourselves a priority. This takes courage, strength and self exploration and mindfulness, to mention a few. But are we aware of the actual problem? The root of the ‘actual’ cause? We maybe aware and can acknowledge that we feel lonely, hopeless, anxious and a burden to others sometimes, even a prisoner to our thoughts and our reactions. But, how do we shift our energy and focus on what is good and positive? How do we focus on changing for the better, for ourselves and how do we re-educate our perception of what is within and not, what is without?
Maybe it is ok to be right where we are and who we are. The thing is, we more often than not berate ourselves because we believe we ‘should’ be handling and re-acting in a certain way. I am guilty of this thought process BIG time! But how much truth is in this and is it really just unrealistic self-expectations that we place upon ourselves?
How do we re-focus?
How do we make ourselves a priority?
How do we heal?
How do we find the strength?
How do we remain positive?
How do we hold ourselves together when we feel like everything around us is falling apart?
What is self exploration?
How do we know who we really are and what our true purpose is?
What can I do to re-focus?
Questions. Questions. Questions.
When we feel like all hope is lost and that sometimes emptiness is at our core, how do we heal without acknowledging our inner truth? How do we change and how do we let go of what no longer serves us and focus on what does and what will going forward?
New beginnings can more often than not feel like an ending and makes our problems appear bigger and harder to handle. It is hard to detach from what has served us and what we know. Maybe if we let go of the expectations that we and others impose upon ourselves, will we truly accept that loneliness is only a part of life and that it comes to the forefront now and again. Maybe loneliness acts as signpost to re-direct us to where we are meant to be and for us to actually wriggle out of our comfort blanket and embrace loneliness and the peace that it can ‘actually’ bring to our lives, to our healing.
I have no expectations of anyone, I do however hope that my words may resonate and offer someone comfort in knowing it’s ok to feel like you’re stuck in reverse today or maybe even tomorrow.
I realise that they are many personal blogs with similar, more accomplished content than mine at this stage and in general. However, I have to share that I massively hesitated writing this today but felt called to do so. This is part of my journey, part of me and what I have to say, what I recognise within me. I have to learn to accept myself, be more gentle with myself, love myself again like I used to and to be the best version of myself that I can be. I should not compare myself to others for I am me and me alone.
So for now at least, I will continue to write to be authentic and true to myself and whoever may read, comment, like or share this, or just pass it by, this is me, ‘The one behind the Worry’ and I accept that today has started in ‘reverse’.
I do accept that that’s ok and I will continue to love myself regardless for I am worthy.
Sending love to all that this may reach.
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