It’d been almost two months since my last stay in the hospital. I was in New York University Medical Center for routine EEG testing, and a change in my medication. I will admit, I was uncomfortable, agitated because I was confined to my hospital room for three weeks, and at times, sleep deprived, but I was HAPPY. How is this possible you might be wondering, I should be miserable?
A little history first, I have been living with Epilepsy, Hydrocephalus, and Cerebral Palsy for my entire life, I must admit the majority of my life, I was miserable, I was depressed, I was UN-happy. As a matter of fact, my life remained this way up until 2012, I was 32, and I had enough, I just wanted it all to end, and it almost did. But before I stepped onto the tracks in that crowded subway station, I heard a voice, maybe my own, maybe another, but it told me to stop. It told me that I had much more to live for, and so much more to look forward to.
As I stepped onto the train and headed home, I would have a series of grand mal seizures (not my normal) that would knock me unconscious in my living room. As the days and weeks passed and after a brief hospital stay to evaluate what had happened, I was sent home. It was at this time that I realized how amazing this life is. Even amidst the sadness, heartache, and pain, life, is an amazing gift. As the year past, and I began to embrace more of my beautiful mess, I became eligible for the seizure surgery, and on February 5th, 2013 I would go in for three consecutive brain surgeries. I would come out of the third one on February 8th still having seizures. I was devastated, realizing that I would have to live with Epilepsy for the rest of my life, after trying so much to combat it. As the weeks past by I began to look at my situation and my life in a whole new light. I was grateful for the new gifts that I was given; more focus, better control over my episodes, and more movement of my left arm. My life was not perfect, but it was mine, and I was grateful for it.
Fast forward five years later to October 15th, 2018 when I was supposed to be admitted for just five days for a routine drug change that would turn into fourteen days. I was hooked up to the same EEG monitors that prompted my surgery five years before, but this time I thought of my hospital stay as a gift, regardless of the amount of time I spent there. I didn’t ignore my frustration, agitation, and suffering while I was there, I instead, embraced it.
Every morning I woke up smiling because I was given another day to live, and I was hopeful that the new treatment would work. I looked at the day as an opportunity to embrace my mess, instead of hate it. I focused my energy on keeping myself, and my brain focused on things that would allow me to heal, and allow me to be happy instead of mad because I was confined to a room with glue and wires hanging from my head.
As it came time for me to leave, I was even more hopeful that the new medication would work, and thus far it has. I still have mild episodes here and there, but I am more alert, even more, focused, and even more appreciative of the life that I was given. I will leave you with this, live your life, don’t lose it by overthinking, self-hate, and unhappiness. Embrace your mess, and live happily
You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. -Marcus Aurelius
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
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Keep on keeping on,
Danny
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