How to be there for someone going through a Separation and or Divorce.

                                                                                                                   By Sherry Ellingson

     sherryellingson.com

Going through a separation from my husband has been one of the most painful events I have experienced in my life.   I have grieved the loss of good friends who have passed away, death of a parent, a parent battling Cancer and the grief of a life that will never be with a Spouse.

I have been married for over 13 years and was with him for 21 years.  Living together for 20 years, a house that we built in to a home together, two young children, and dreams of traveling and sharing our lives “until death do us apart”.

Life it seems just doesn’t want to cooperate at times.  May be its Divine Timing or our souls wanting different things.  We shared a life that was fun at times, full of love, but also full of anger and resentments.

On the day of our 13thyear anniversary he told me he was throwing in the towel and wanting something different. I agreed that it was time for something different for example going to a couples’ coach or therapist.  Agreeing that the relationship was too toxic and not good for our young girls or us.  We decided a couple of months later to separate but what came from that was not what I was expecting. The feelings and emotions that came after the anger had settled was not something I had felt before. It was as if my heart had been pulled out of my chest and crushed then put back in.

All of my dreams of working it out and living a happy and healthy life crushed.  The dreams I had for our girls and living with a happy healthy life with both parents under the same roof was crushed.I have done the work and everyday brings with it different emotions.  One thing a great girlfriend told me really helped me “you can still love him but not be married to him”.  That created a lot of space for me

People have tried being there for me but unfortunately some don’t really know how. If I can offer some suggestions to help support a friend in this grieving process:

• Listen with love. Don’t offer advice or worse your experience (unless they ask).
• Don’t ask who initiated the break up. Separation/Divorce is a very private and personal thing. It is not a high school break up.
• Don’t ask who gets the house or any financial questions. Unless they choose to tell.
• Take your friend some place they want go: the Spa, beach, a bar, a Yoga class or anything that will lift their spirit.
• Watch funny movies together. My friend (who had been one of my bridesmaids) drove to hang out with my girls and I. She lives an hour and half away, it was in the middle of the Holidays, and she had just bought a new house with her husband and kids. She listened, let me vent, offered advice that I asked for and we watched funny movies.
• Call/text and check in with them regularly.
• If your friend has kids offer to take them to see a movie or anything to get them out of the house. It’s hard to grieve when you have others to take care of.

In the end it’s an experience and heartbreak that is so different for everyone. It’s important to take care of ourselves by doing things that will heal our emotions and uplift us.