Me:     Honey, stop the car. I have to pee.

Him:    We’re out in the middle of nowhere, can’t you wait?

Me:     Till when?

Him:    Till we get to a rest area or a Mac Donald’s.

Me:     I don’t think so.

Him:    You’re kidding.

Me:     No. I’m not kidding. I’m over 70 years old. Waiting is not an option.

Him:    Well, what do you want me to do?

Me:     Get off on the next off ramp and I’ll pee by the side of the road.

Him:    What if somebody sees?

Me:     If they see I’ll just wave. Besides, they won’t see.

Him:    How do you know?

Me:     Because I’m going to get out of the passenger side and leave the door open and pee behind the door.

Him:    Okay.  Are you sure?

Me:     I’m sure. I’ve done it hundreds of times — when I was younger.

Him:   Being younger may be something to think about.

(Later)

Me:     Oh, my God, Honey!

Him:   What?

Me:     I can’t get up!

Him:   You what!

Me:     I can’t get up!

Him:   You can’t get up?

Me:     No. I’m stuck.

Him:   What can I do?

Me:     Come around here and help me?

Him:   Sure. Just tell me what to do.

Me:     Lift me up!

Him:   Lift you up?  Like that?

Me:     No!  Not like that. Try another way.

Him:   What other way?

Me:     Pull me up by under my arms.

Him:    Okay.

Me:     Not like that either!

Him:    Like what then?

Me:     I don’t know but not like that.

Him:    Are you stuck there?

Me:     Maybe.

Me:     I know. Get me a suitcase out of the trunk and put it right there.

(Getting suitcase)

Him:    Like that?

Me:     No. That’s not high enough.

Him:    Like that?

Me:     Yeah.  I get up like this all the time in yoga.

Him:    You have a suitcase in yoga?

Me:     No. I don’t have a suitcase in yoga!

Him:    Well, pretend.

Me:     I did it!

Him:    Yeah. Namaste.

Me:     It’s not funny!

Him:    I’m not being funny.

Me:     Besides, I’m not done.

Him:    What do you mean you’re not done?

Me:     No. I didn’t finish. I got pee dirt splashed over me and I stopped.

Him:    (Silence.  Not brooding silence—but definitely silence–kind of like helpless silence)

Me:     I know.  Where’s that Starbuck’s cup you had?

Him:    The Starbuck’s cup?

Me:     Yeah. I’m gonna’ pee in it. No squatting. I don’t know why I didn’t  think of it before.

Him:    Me either. (Hands me the cup). 

Me:     (Peeing)

Him:    Is it going to be decaf or regular?

They say there are two kinds of women in the world — those who don’t pee outside and those who do.  Obviously, I’m one of those who do and here are the five most important things I have learned about how to become an expert at it.

1)         Remember that being able to squat isn’t the hard part.  Getting up is.

2)         Always bring something with you (like a suitcase or an old yoga pillow) to push yourself up on if    you can’t get up.

3)         Remember that peeing in dusty roadsides causes splashing.

4)         Don’t stop mid-pee, no matter if you get splashed on, and

5)         Always keep an old Starbucks coffee cup in the back seat — you never know when you  might need it.