Adrenaline rush

I’m biking on Duval Street in Austin. It is a busy two-lane street, where cars drive 40 miles per hour on average. Since there are no separate bike lanes, I choose to bike on the sidewalk, to keep me safe. As always, I am alert and careful. Especially for cars backing out.

But this one I didn’t see coming. Out of the blue, a black pick-up truck backs out of it’s parking spot at at least 20 miles an hour.

I hardly have enough time to turn my handlebars, jump off my bike, and land on knees and palms on the gravel surface. I feel a bruise growing on my right thigh.

The truck driver probably doesn’t notice me and keeps backing out. “What an idiot! He didn’t look over his shoulder and blind spot! He’s incompetent and a danger to other cyclists!” Infuriated I jump up and bang on his window. “What?” “You almost hit me as you were backing out!” “Are you okay?” “Hardly.” “I’m sorry” and he drives off, leaving me flabbergasted.

Nonviolent Communication?

When I tell my friend about this incident, she asks incredulously “I thought you were practicing Nonviolent Communication?” “Yes, I am. ” I pause “We call this screaming in giraffe.”

Now I realize I was not. I was just screaming.

Four steps to get support for unmet needs

Screaming in giraffe means we use force to draw attention and support to our needs, those universal, human needs that we share through space and time. Needs for safety and respect for example. Usually we sense urgency about when we scream in giraffe. I believe there are four elements of successfully screaming in giraffe (versus just screaming):

1. Awareness of our needs being unmet.
2. Enough self-acceptance and compassion to see our needs as beautiful (instead of a deficit, as if there is something wrong with us for having those needs, as if we’re ‘needy’).
3. Transform any enemy image of those, whom we think are responsible for our needs being unmet, so we can ask for their support to meet our needs (I’m pretty sure I failed on that account. As if we are offering our requests with Santa Claus energy.
4. Openness to explore strategies to meet as many needs as possible: ours and those of other stakeholders (I have no clue how to explore multiple strategies, while my heart is racing and am scared to be run over).

Listening to unmet needs

When we hear someone screaming in giraffe, it helps to listen for unmet needs. Rather than focusing on how they express themselves (which might just sound like screaming), we can use empathy to deepen our understanding of their experience, listen for needs, and figure out strategies that meet as many needs as possible.

Live the life you really want, with yourself and others

I believe this process helps us to live the life we really want and create the closeness and authenticity we long for. When we practice those four steps (even after the fact), we are better equipped to figure out how to make life more wonderful for everyone.

Contact me

Let me know how this landed for you: I would love to hear from you.