Self love. It sounds like a broken record after a while. I mean we all know we should do it more. We say it, remind ourselves of it, tell others how to do it-and yet, when push comes to shove-do we even really know what self love means and what it looks like for ourselves?

Personally, I’ve been through many stages of self love. I’ve learned it, learned how to teach it and uncover it in others, relearned it again, and now, as a woman in my 40s, have come to a new understanding of it once again.

So what is self love really and how do we find it inside of ourselves, accept it, and grow it over time? How do we even recognize it’s missing?

We’ve read the same books, listened to the same thought leaders, and yet, despite our different paths, I believe we all go through certain milestones in our life-whether it’s a life tragedy, a major failure, or the loss of a loved one, or maybe even that we become so fed up with NOT being happy with what we have worked so hard to achieve-that the topic of self love needs to be found again, redefined, and relearned.

Self love, or what I define as REAL love, isn’t about being so filled up that you can walk on fire or have cosmic visions or not have any problems. When we really feel love, then we can look at the choices that we make in the past and move from being a victim, blaming, judging, anger, etc-and move our choices from unconscious actions to unconditional love for ourselves and others.  That is self love.

Self love actually isn’t even about ourselves. When we make it about ourselves, it’s small and limited.  Self love is about remembering and having the willingness to invite a universal love-a higher power that is greater than what we know-into our lives.

The way to love ourselves starts seeing ourselves the way we actually are-raw, blistered, bruised, and wanting; understanding our programming is flawed. Those deep dark secrets inside.  What is that about?

“I feel so fat”

“You promised yourself you wouldn’t have that glass of wine.”

“There you go again – what’s wrong with you?”

“You work so hard – why is it not working?”

Sound familiar? Believe me, I get it. That internal programming is inside all of us. It keeps us from moving forward, and blocks us from looking inwards.

What I know for sure is that our subconscious mind is where change can be made. It’s sustainable. You put yourself in a totally different psychological and emotional state that is completely different than what you know and the world around you.

So if you’re in that place-tired of feeling like everything is just not enough-not getting enough, having enough love in your life or being enough-I get it.

What I discovered through my journey is what is really going on inside of us when we lack self love, is that we feel unheard. After trying so hard, holding back from what you want, saying no to dessert, trying to do everything right, working to make more money – your subconscious self is screaming “I’ve done all this and here I am, is that all there is?”

I had to tell the truth…to MYSELF. I was harshly judging myself and harshly judging others.  I had learned from hours of social programming and educational resources what “the good life” should look like. And I never really felt it inside.

It’s crossing that threshold-no more locking ourselves in the closet and thinking we’re going to emerge like white light.

At the end of the day no matter how much work you do on yourself you’re still who you are. In order to significantly change we have to understand the part of us that has been conditioned from our past learned, conditioned behavior-it takes going to subconscious and working with yourself and doing self love at that level.

Then, for perhaps the first time in your life you see yourself differently, see others differently, navigate through your life differently, are more gentle with yourself, and remember to forgive yourself more.

Two weeks out of the month I swear I look in the mirror and I’m fat. It could be water weight and hormones, but like clockwork, the last day of my cycle I look in the mirror and I’m me again. Now, when I’m tempted to look at myself with a critical eye, I know that’s not the truth of who I really am, and I just don’t go there.

Trust me, this is not an easy process and it’s not overnight. You will fail a lot. But failure is the key. If you’re constantly failing you are constantly able to turn it around and try again.

It’s not about settling and it’s not about doing more, trying more, or learning more.  It’s connecting to the higher power around us-the universe, God, love.

Pray. Surrender. Have the willingness to invite something else in. Just let go of trying to control it all.  Getting more connected to yourself is about getting more connected to the universal laws of love and not a slave to programmed goals that you “have” to achieve.

Your conscious mind is not strong enough to carry all of that. Someone who is smart and successful might think they know exactly what they want, down to the last detail. But enlist the help of divine intelligence around us. When we invite that in, surrender to what we know, we are in partnership with who we truly are.

Invite change into your life.

Self love is already here. It’s right here.  And all you have to do is have the willingness to invite it in.

Hi, I’m Angela, a recovering workaholic, high-achiever who never could do enough to feel good enough. But now I’ve discovered what really makes me happy. What sets my soul on fire and makes me have a profound love of myself, of life, and the world as a whole. It’s my ability to use my gifts, my education and my own lessons in self love, to help people change their minds to whatever the hell they want it to be, which is a much more loving expression than what you’re living right now. Because now I know-it’s that magic we all have to be more creative, inclusive, positive, and excited for our lives and makes you and the world a better place and blesses everyone around us.