The phone call….

Monday April 30, 2018

It was a normal day but a busy one. I was Chairperson of the annual Teacher Appreciation Luncheon that was held at my children’s school, which celebrates our teachers. A function that’s always a big surprise and a yearly changing theme. You prepare for this for several months.

A lot of work and detail goes into making this surprise event special. My co-chair and friend was meeting me at school this day. The event was taking place that Friday. She was 8 months pregnant and her car was loaded with waters and sodas. I had all the decor at my house and my car was loaded with all the boxes of sealed items I could bring in advance that wouldn’t give away our theme.

We chose this day to do this bc our boys were both on the baseball team at school and they were having their end of year party. It was perfect. I could help her carry the heavy waters and we could get some of our stuff taken to the school, instead of doing everything the day of. This was also the first day of our new carline system at school. We decided it would be best to let carline subside and head there around 3 or so.

We had it planned. We could pull close to school once carline diminished and unload both cars. Then be there to watch the boys enjoy their end of season whiffle ball game and pizza party. Take a few pics of the baseball team, and it would be time to get my daughter from Cheerleading at the high school next door.

Any other day at 2:30 or so, I would have been in carline. If you use your school carline you know it doesn’t always flow as quickly as we want it to. This day though a completely new route was starting and a computer system of assigned vehicle numbers was being tested. If it wasn’t for this baseball party, which gave us the idea to unload stuff, I would have been in this NEW carline on this day.

Instead I was loading my car with last minute items, keeping my eye on time and  my phone close by in case my friend would call. My phone rang shortly after 2:30. I answered quickly thinking it was her. I hear the most bizarre sounding tone of voice. “Michelle”.. “Yes?” “Michelle your brother shot himself”. “What?” “Michelle, Jason shot himself”. “What? What? What do you mean”, I said. What????? I don’t know. I’m on my way.

I think I repeated “What??” ten times.

15 years ago, my phone rang in the middle of the night. It was one of my best friends. Obviously, I was woken up from a sound sleep, my daughter was a baby, and when you see the time you realize nothing is good about this call. “Hello” I said, as I sat up. “Michelle” in a crying hysteric voice, “____ just jumped off a bridge”. “What?” She screams, “He just jumped off a bridge.” “What? What?” I again repeated, “What?” She screams, “Why are you saying what? Do you hear me?” Her voice hysterical, “Michelle he jumped off the bridge on the turnpike”. This was a very dear friend of my husband for almost his entire life. “Where are you? Is he alive?” I asked her. She replied , “I’m at the hospital now and I don’t know” she sobbed. “Just get here” “Ok we will be right there”.

I don’t know what makes me say What? so many times. I mean I hear you, but what your saying I can’t comprehend. I don’t think our brains are meant to digest horrific info so quickly.

It was my mom, my stepmom, Mary. Her voice was shaking, a tad hyperventilating, yet scary slow. “Where are you? What do you mean he shot himself?” “I’m driving there now” she replied. “Driving where?” “To the house” she said. “Who are you with?” “Brenda”.  Brenda is her friend and her coworker of many years. I asked to speak to Brenda. Brenda got on the phone. “Hello” “Brenda what’s going on? What happened?”. At this moment panic is setting in. She replied, “Michelle I don’t know. Mary received a phone call while we were at work and we are headed to the house”. She said she would call me as soon as they got there. I hung up. Each second that past felt like an eternity. Now what? Sit here! Hell no and omg what about my kids? Typically, I would have called my husband first, but I had to worry about my kids. I needed him to be there for ME, and get me to wherever my brother was. I couldn’t have him wasting time getting my kids. I needed him to come home from work. So, I called my best friend. She works at the school my son goes to, and our daughters both attend the high school next door. I knew she would take care of my kids. I called her, she didn’t answer. It’s now dismissal time, panic has set in. I text her saying it’s an emergency. She called immediately. All I remember is screaming and crying. I couldn’t breathe. Her first question, “Is he alive?”.  The sobs that came out of me were so scary. “I don’t know”, I cried out of control. “I don’t know!!!” I didn’t know any details and I was so scared.

Not only was my son in school, but all of my brothers children attended there as well. She assured me she will deal with my kids, the baseball party, getting our daughters from cheerleading, etc.

I immediately hung up with her and called my husband screaming in pure panic. I told him to come home and get me. I needed to be where my brother was and see what was going on. I was in no condition to drive. He was out working and the drive for him to get home felt like eternity. I was pacing the floors waiting for the phone to ring again. Would my mom call? Is Brenda gonna call? Does my Dad know yet?

I don’t know how much time passed. If I had to guess, maybe 10 minutes and I hadn’t heard anything yet. I called back, no answer. A minute later my phone rang. “Hello” I cried. “Michelle, it’s Brenda. We can’t get into the house. The police have it blocked off”. I felt like I was gonna faint when I heard that. She calmly said, “We’re headed to the hospital. I will update you when we get there. Have you called Troy?” she asked. “Yes, he’s on his way home” I replied. “Ok sweetie take a deep breath. Hang in there, I will speak to you in a few.”

My phone rang a second later. It was my aunt, my moms sister. Her and my moms other sister were both out of town. They were in the airport. This was their planned day to return home. “Hello” I said. “Michelle have you talked to Mary?” “Yes” I cried. “What happened?” “I don’t know. I just got a call Jason shot himself”. She replied, “shot himself where? like in the foot?”. I remember thinking wtf in the foot? My brother had been distant to the family at the time. He had also been very hurtful to her specifically. I guess no one expects a phone call like that, and she could only hope he was being a dumbass and it was his foot. She hadn’t heard from my mom though, to hear her sisters chilling tone of voice. I’m sure my voice let her know it was way worse than a foot. I asked if my mom had called her. She said No, It was a friend of the family. I didn’t ask how the friend found out, I don’t really remember if she told me or not. It didn’t matter. I love you she said. It’s gonna be ok. We both hung up, anxiously awaiting an update.

The phone rang again. This time it was a family friend. Also, a long time friend of my brothers. I saw his name pop up. I answered. “Michelle is it true?”. “Yes” I cried. I remember he asked me a couple of questions. I don’t know I said sobbing. I don’t know anything yet. “Where are you? Is Troy with you?” He asked. “He’s on his way to get me and I’m headed to the hospital I gotta go”. We hung up. I wondered how he knew, but again it didn’t matter.

A minute later the phone rang again. This time it was my husband. He said to me “Babe, I just called a friend at the station to see if they heard anything on the radios or if I could get any information. The city your brother lives in just ran a call on a 38 yr old male, that has a 4 year old child”. My heart sunk. My brother is 38. He has 4 year old twin girls. One of them isn’t able to speak, so she didn’t attend school with the other siblings. “What did they say?” I asked. With a very slow pause, he answered, “I don’t know honey, I’m not sure if he made it”. “Oh my god, oh my god Troy” I yelled in an ear piercing scream. I fell to the floor. “Please just get here now” I repeated.

My husband arrived home and the phone rang back. It was Brenda. In a soft yet urgent voice she said “Michelle you need to come here right now”. “Is he ok Brenda?” “Honey is Troy there yet to drive you?” “Yes he just got here” I said. “You need to come to the hospital now. Your Dad is here now too”. I didn’t ask her another question. I don’t know if I didn’t want to ask or I was in complete denial. The car ride felt forever. I was yelling at my husband to drive faster and I was slowly unraveling. We finally arrived at the hospital. I had him pull me up to the front. I jumped out of the car and ran for the hospital doors. The double glass doors opened and shut behind me. Life as I knew it would never ever be the same.

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