There was a police officer on duty standing in the entrance. There was a nurse sitting behind a desk. Coming in so abruptly, she immediately made eye contact with me. “My brother”, I cried out loud. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably. “My brother, My brother is here” I said as she jumped up worried for me. She never asked for his name. I would assume seeing me and hearing what had happened she just knew who “my brother” was. She said to come with her. She brought me through another set of doors. I was falling apart. I was sobbing, I was shaking, my legs felt wobbly and I’ve never been that scared in my entire life. She grabbed my shoulders, stopped me and said “I need you to be strong ok. Your parents are back here and I’m going to bring you to them. For me to do that I need you to take a deep breath”. I took one but the fear had completely consumed me by now. She knew this. She put her arm around my shoulders and squeezed tightly. We were in this long hallway. Hospitals have always creeped me out but now this hallway seemed scarier then anything I’ve ever felt in the past. The lighting felt bright, it was very cold and a yellow strip went all the way down the floor. Was this hallway ever gonna end? She continued to hold on to me as we turned the corner. She stopped for a quick second and looked at me. “His wife is in a room right here. She has friends with her. There is a room down this hallway though that your family is in, ok?” she said. Ok. We approached the end of that hallway and made a turn. Right away I saw my mom. She stood in the doorway of this room. I don’t know if there are words to describe the look on her face. We locked eyes. She looked at me almost in a fog like state and said two words. “He’s dead”.

I don’t know what I expected her to say, but it was only two words. Two words with such forceful impact. I didn’t necessarily think she would tell me like that but would any other choice of wording have made a difference? Is there really a good way to tell someone something like that?

The cry that came out of me could be in a horror movie. “NO” I cried “NO please”. My mom could barely hug me. She was in a complete state of shock. I swear I will never forget the look on her face. She’s handled a lot of hard times in life, but this? This was just not normal. My dad was sitting in the room where she had been standing in the doorway. He saw me, quickly came to me and grabbed me into his arms. I couldn’t stand up. My legs were buckling. I was hysterical crying and he held on to me as my purse and phone hit the floor. My moms boyfriend was a few steps behind me. He had driven with Troy and I to the hospital. I will never forget his reaction hearing the news. The news I had just heard seconds before. There was crying and yelling that echoed these halls as we all stood there in disbelief and anguish. The environment was getting tense. A nurse came around the corner and politely encouraged us all to sit in the room. This room was tiny. It had chairs that lined along the walls. There was a side table with a box of tissues, a telephone and magazines. My Dad and I went to sit. My Uncle had already been there with my Dad. He was sitting across from me. My Dad sat down next to him. We just stared at each other from across the tiny room. How was this happening? Why did this happen? What made him do this? What provoked this? What was said to him? What was the last thing he said? The questions were endless. I couldn’t get myself together. I just looked at my Dad shaking my head back and forth crying. “No please, No” I repeated over and over. This kind of pain is just hard to comprehend. Brenda was there. She kept checking on me, giving me tissues, etc. Everyone just kept saying it’s gonna be ok, we’re gonna get through this. I just remember thinking NO this is not gonna be ok. I knew my husband was there. He had parked the car and came in shortly after us. I could hear his voice as there were conversations in the hall. He popped his head in and said I’m gonna go make a few calls. He was gonna call my friend since she had the kids back at her house. He then asked if I wanted him to call my Mom, Cecelia. All I remember is nodding my head. I would imagine he called his parents as well. Brenda was going between checking on me and staying with my mom. My Mom, my stepmom, Mary did not sit. She was making phone calls to people. She had to call his ex wife, the mother of his 2 older girls and break the news. They were also trying to reach the priest at our church to see in this scenario if they would bless him or read him last rites. I really don’t know how she did it. My Dad and I were almost frozen in complete shock.

As I sat there, I wondered where my brother actually was. I was sitting in this small waiting room of a hospital. I was told where his wife was but where was he? So I asked Brenda. In her forever calm voice she said “He’s down the hall. You can’t go see him. He’s gone Michelle. The doctors do not recommend anyone seeing him”. I wondered if either of my parents did though. They were there before me. So I asked her. “Did anyone see him?” She looked me in the eyes and said, “When the doctor came to give Mary the news, he recommended that it would be best for her not to see him. She did though. She was not taking no for an answer”. All I could do was cry. I’m a mother and I just can’t imagine what that was like. As I sat there tears pouring continuously down my face I noticed my moms purse on the floor. I saw a big ziploc baggie sitting at the top of the purse. Inside the baggie was my brothers cell phone and wallet. His cell phone and wallet which he always carried was no longer on him. It was such an eerie feeling.

I really don’t know how long we were in that room. I would assume a couple hours. I have no idea of time for the rest of that day. I know at some point we were asked to leave the room. They needed it for another family who’s loved one was brought through the emergency room. We were told we could go to the main waiting room. This small room though, was located near an exit door for the hospital. There wasn’t any reason to stay. My Dad and Uncle decided to leave at that time. We said goodbye. I didn’t want to leave though. I didn’t know where my mom was. I went with whoever brought me to the main waiting room, I’m not sure who all went.

I remember walking out and seeing my brothers high school baseball coach, and another dear family friend. My head was pounding, I couldn’t stop crying and nothing in my world was ok. Those who waited in that main waiting room were staring. It was obvious this family had just received horrible news. The family friend sat me down. She got me a cup of water and gave me some Tylenol. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk, All I could do was cry.

As I sat there in a daze, this guy sitting across from me started rambling stuff to us. He had no idea what he was talking about, but if he said one more word to any of us, I was gonna lose it. He’s rambling about nonsense, and my brother is dead.  I thought to myself, Do you not see me? Can you not feel my facial response?Truthfully, he probably couldn’t. I didn’t want him to say another word though. I said shut up just shut up. Thankfully a family member stepped in and kindly asked him not to talk to any of us at this time.

I was getting anxious waiting for my mom to come out. Where did she go? She had stopped to check on my brothers wife to see when she would be leaving the room they had her in. By this time everyone knew I was on overload, and it’s just best to get me home. There was no reason to be sitting there any longer. Someone went and got her and she came out to say goodbye to me. They still had to pick up her boyfriends car which was parked at my house, and we still had to get our children from my friends. “Please go home” she said, “I am leaving shortly. I will see you in a little bit”. All of our children were with friends and we hadn’t even dealt with that yet.

I don’t remember actually walking out of the hospital. I vaguely remember the ride home. I know I was still crying and just staring out the window. My windows aren’t tinted and I laid my head against the door as my husband drove. Who knows what people thought as they pulled next to us at stoplights. As we got closer, my husband said he was gonna call my friend to get the kids. That was the first time it had occurred to me to look at my phone. There were over 80 texts messages. I looked at none of them except for the one from my kids. They had both text me separately. There was a text from my son wondering when we were picking them up. Then there were two texts from my daughter. The first read, “Mommy when are you guys coming home?” I knew my friend would not tell my kids any information. I’m sure they were starting to wonder though what was going on. The next text was an hour or so later. “Who in the family died? I just saw something on Facebook”.

Oh god help me I thought. What was on Facebook already. My husband then turned to me. I’m gonna drop you off first, then go get the kids. My friend lives just around the corner. The kids came in a few minutes later. I was sitting on the couch. My husband had already told them it was their uncle who had died. With tears in their eyes, they sat looking at me in shock. They had questions. They didn’t understand. I had questions though too, I also didn’t understand.

This was only the beginning of endless “why’s”.

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