It’s terrifying knowing that Suicide is a thought amongst people. We all know death is a part of life, actually it’s the inevitable. It happens everyday. What we don’t know though, is when our days will come to an end. We don’t know when our time here on earth is up. Why would you WANT to choose your exit time?

Suicide has destroyed my family before. My Uncle passed this way over 10 years ago. I remember the day it happened. I got a knock at my front door. It was my mom, my stepmom Mary. She lived a few houses down at the time. She was hysterical crying. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and fell to her knees in my entryway. I could barely understand her. She was repeating my uncles name over and over again. She had just found out her brother had passed from Suicide. It was terrible. I was in shock, she was in shock and I didn’t know what to say. This was so horrific. My Uncle was such a funny guy. He was hard of hearing, but loved telling jokes and enjoyed just as much reading your lips as you shared yours. He was the kind of person that when he laughed, it made you laugh harder. When he would see me walk into a room his voice echoed, “Hey there Me-shell” (Michelle). My uncle worked in construction most of his life and suffered from some physical pain. He had worries and pressures like any other normal human being. One day he decided those worries were too much. One second he was here, the next he was gone.

My uncle lived a few hours away on a lake. He loved to fish so this is where we had a celebration of his life. I remember the family standing in a circle, everyone holding hands. A few were sharing stories or just saying a quick word. I glanced around this circle of held hands watching his children cry, my mom cry, my aunts and uncles cry, his wife cry. Of course I cried too, but I remember watching them specifically. Then they went down to the dock where they spread his ashes. Some of us had little kids at the time so we stood back to allow for a moment of silence. I observed and watched them hold on to each other in tears. It was so sad!

Fast forward this many years later, and now my family is faced with this horrifying news again. This time it was MY brother. I knew my cousins were in pain, I knew my mom and aunts and uncles were in pain, but this pain didn’t directly hit me as it did them. I didn’t have my uncle as a part of my everyday life for the years they did. His children did, his siblings did, his wife shared a home with him everyday, but I did not. I did grow up and live with my brother though. I couldn’t really tell you why I was so naive, but I never did think we would have to deal with a loss like this again.

This time, it’s someone I shared a majority of my life with. The person who I grew up with, shared a mountain of memories with, technically my very first friend in life.

How is this possible that he is now gone?

One second my brother is here, he’s alive. A split second later he is gone.

I know some people suffer from mental illness, others suffer from different forms of addiction, but then there are those who don’t suffer from any of those things. They just suffer inside their mind and heart. What about the person who just feels like their treading water living this life everyday? The person who life is just weighing down their shoulders making them feel like their going to drown.

We all struggle in life. Sadly some more than others, and for all sorts of different reasons. Truthfully, life is really hard sometimes. Not every day feels warm and fuzzy. Although in life there can be so much beauty, there is also many hardships. Our monthly bills come rolling in like a freight train, daily responsibilities can feel exhausting, you may feel that you give more than you receive, sickness may have invaded a family member you love, marriages and raising children can be stressful, life can just be really heavy at times.

I know my brother felt the heaviness of life. I saw a change in him over the last several years. The brother I knew growing up, wasn’t as happy as he once was. He’s always had a larger than life personality, but when you were around him you knew something was off. His reactions were becoming very hostile, he always seemed stressed, and just appeared unhappy behind the smile he tried to carry. We all knew this, it wasn’t just me who could see it. Slowly over the years, you could see the pressures of life changing him.

Never did I see this coming though. Never did I think he would really be gone, by choice. When did life actually become so hard to handle that living wouldn’t seem worthwhile? Why did we think this wouldn’t happen, after dealing with it in the family before? I know in my brothers case he didn’t plan this on this day. So why this day? Why did this day become the day life was too much to handle? Why in one split second did he make the decision that he’s just had enough?

Why did this day become the grueling beginning of all our Whys?

There is a lot of pieces left to pick up after losing someone to Suicide. Every emotion you could describe we have felt. One of the hardest things to live with though, is knowing your loved one was in excruciating pain in those last moments of their life. It’s a heavy burden to carry. Did my brother actually think this world would be a better place without him in it? Why did he feel like this pain was so unbearable that it wouldn’t/couldn’t ever go away? What were his last thoughts? What was the last words he said? He may have ended the pain in his mind and heart that day, but I can assure you though the pain didn’t disappear, it was transferred to those of us who are still here and love him.

We as a family were always worried and concerned for his happiness. We love him, nothing could change that. His burdens though, which we shared at times are now much heavier for us to carry.

Life at times can be a burden, you may carry this burden. YOU are not a burden though. The definition of burden itself means to carry a heavy load. A heavy load shouldn’t be carried alone. It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. We need to do a better job at reminding ourselves and others that we don’t always need to carry these burdens alone. A problem will get heavier when the only person carrying it is you!

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