I’ve just returned from a short trip to the nearest provincial park. I made big plans for an awesome camping trip with my babes but life gives us what we need and not what we want so I received a bunch of learning instead. The last 24 hours or so have been hard. My mind and heart have been working overtime and I needed a place to put it all so I present to you-

Reflections Made Possible From a Jaunt to The Woods:

• I love camping. I do not however, love camping as a single parent. I want trees and wild foliage and sunshine and fresh air. I want to read a book while the sun warms my legs and I want to write while sitting among trees and I want to eat smores and dip hot dogs in mustard and crochet while my children giggle and I do NOT want to be responsible for making fires and chopping wood and organizing the whole damn affair. I want a second adult to help me because while I am strong, capable and full of grit, I am also a hot mess who is chaotic, complicated and indecisive. What you’ve got here is a girl who desperately wants someone to take care of her while she takes care of everything else.
• This is why I need God. In moments of stress at work I (half) joke “this support worker needs a support worker” but the truth is I already have one because I have God and He pulls me through all the hard stuff. God is my support worker. Amen. I am grateful. I am mad and tired and a million other unfavorable emotions, but I am also grateful.
• I need to buy a propane stove and a tarp with rope. Maybe some rainboots. Definitely another hoodie. And for the love of happy children, can I please just remember the damn glow sticks?! Why do I forget them every time?! I have real good intentions, I promise.
• I am so disappointed in myself that I still get frustrated about being a single parent. Realizing that the single parent aspect of camping was chafing my heart is a hard pill to swallow. I have been a single parent for the majority of my parenthood journey (13 years) so I should be used to doing it on my own by now. Right? I’m a hardened badass, or so I thought, but nope, still just a girl who wishes she had a man to help her with the kids. Ugh, I hate that. The smart part of my brain knows raising children alone is significantly difficult and that wanting a partner is a natural thing but my ego has me feeling like I should quit griping about it already. It has been 13 years after all. Can a girl just get it together?! Damnit, Ego! Quit messing with my heart. What I’m doing is hard and it’s okay to be frustrated and tired and sad. I guess some pain and lessons are constant and lifelong and this pain might be staying with me.
• I loathe being cold and/or wet. I already knew that but this weekend was a powerful reminder of how badly I want the sun. Scratch that. I NEED the sun. Apparently I forgot to invite the sun to my jaunt in the woods. Must have slipped my mind while I was trying to organize all the other stuff.
• I pride myself for being a nature loving hippie. I like to think I can hack it in the worst of circumstances because I like to think I’m low maintenance. I now realize this is not true. Another hard pill to swallow this weekend was the realization that I need showers and flush toilets to feel okay. I also need tea. I tried boiling water on the fire but it was raining so the fire was dying and then my pot of water fell into the fire which obviously doesn’t help the fire burn. This is another reason I need to buy a propane stove. So I can make tea in the rain. I’m low maintenance in some areas and in others, I’m real friggin high. I’m now doing the emotional work to be okay with this. I previously judged people that camped in trailers but now I think they’re on to something. I have been humbled. If you’re a trailer camper, I apologize for my unfair judgment.
• Seriously, nature is my favorite. I feel the most connected to both myself and to God when I’m in the trees and this begs the conversation that we all carry Divine within ourselves. Why else would I feel so connected to both myself and God at the same time? We are all one and the same, I think.

After packing up early, my kids and I, still craving adventure in the forest, went on a beautiful walk. We were surrounded by breath-taking beauty and agreed to research a flower of our choosing and then write a poem using what we found in research. Fun summer assignment. So the camping trip was hard but there were moments of beauty throughout. Which I think is a great metaphor for life. There’s beauty in difficulty if we’re open to it.

Now. I’m off to steep tea, wash my campfire smoked on laundry, continue making peace with my newly realized high maintenanced desires and giggle in bliss at the sound of a flushing toilet. Thank you for giving me a space to clear my mind. This girl really appreciates you.
as always,
love and light,
Lizzy