Curled up in a cozy sweater, the brisk breeze dances past my face while foamed milk atop my chai latte cradles my lips and notes of cinnamon overwhelm my olfactory sense. I’m reminded of Oscar Wilde’s poetic words, “And just like that, summer collapsed into fall.” Delighting in the season, I settled into an estate sale treasure, The Poems and Fairytales of Oscar Wilde, with whom I share my birthday—one perfectly positioned in the most poetic of all the months, October. I’m captivated by the words of modern poet JM storm who beautifully expresses, “October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.” Being my birthday month, I am especially inspired by this time of year and all it has to reveal. So many people cite fall as their favorite season, and maybe it has something to do with the change that seems more apparent, the one inspiring the death of old habits and the birth of new perspectives. Much like the fall is a vivid work of art, adorning the earth with colors and smells that intoxicate our senses, Oscar Wilde wrote like he was painting. He painted with his poetry and storytelling, awakening a perception that lies dormant in many of us—“To live is the rarest thing in the world,” he argued, “Most people exist, that is all.”

Living and existing have a lot to do with expectations. Today, in addition to paying homage to Oscar Wilde, my wish is for acceptance. I’ve been sitting with Sri Chinmoy’s words, “Peace begins when expectations end,” throughout the week, and on the ten year anniversary of losing my dad to his addiction, I realized peace is acceptance. Acceptance is the last stage of grief, and while I was slapped with the brunt of my father’s untimely death, for the first time I celebrated his peace—granting me mine. It is here I likewise realized the importance of being earnest about expectations.

Expectations are important in reference to expecting to realign with your inner being, but this is an internal process and possibly in stark contrast of how we are (mis)using them. When we make expectations external in any capacity, we are missing something. When for instance, we take something personally, we miss the opportunity to learn—to grow. When we interpersonally make something self-centered, we miss the other altogether. Being other centered can only exist in accord with our self-harmony. Maybe expecting and accepting don’t exist in polarity—maybe the goal involves where we focus.

When our attention is externally focused, we look outside of ourselves for validation and approval, consequently giving our power instead of sharing it. Because we are giving something, we expect something in return. From this view, we’re running on a hamster wheel through life, always wanting and rarely satisfied. When we operate from a harmonious state within, we accept our power as our own and only seek to share it—here we not only get off the wheel, we bust right out of the cage!

It is easy to understand the difference when we rely on our personal GPS, our feelings. When we feel good, we are accepting our power because our power is just that—when we feel good. When we don’t feel so good, it’s because we have given our power rather than lost it. Is it even possible to lose something that doesn’t leave us? To further clarify: Here are some important distinctions to discern where our focus is—on expecting or accepting…

Expecting is externally located, and as such we look for validation and approval from others when giving of ourselves in any measure. Because we are externally focused, we are extrinsically motivated—extrinsic by definition means, “not part of the essential nature of someone.” Let’s really take that in. By this definition alone, we are seeking something we don’t inherently possess—hence the hamster wheel. When we give from this place, we do so in effort to build our allegorical bank, a sort of keeping score mentality—I give so I can cash in when needed, so to speak, and here lives expectation. When no return on investment results, we find ourselves not feeling so good—and often this comes out in complaints of feeling unappreciated and dissatisfied. This kind of giving perceptually places our power in the hands of other people where some may fulfill us, but more often than not, we will find ourselves disappointed. We think our disappointment lies in the people not reciprocating our acts of generosity, but it really lies in allowing someone else to decide how we feel about our generosity.

We cannot expect everyone to be like us anymore than we can expect everyone to like us. Acceptance is being at peace with this. When we are caught in an expecting mindset, we perceive our gestures of kindness as not being reciprocal. From the position of acceptance, we know all exchanges are symbiotic—mutually beneficial. When caught in expectations, we get stuck in what we observe—we recite reality disallowing insights about anyone or anything else. When we operate from acceptance, we see beyond reality allowing us to create more opportunities to commune, to connect. Where we expect, we compete. Where we accept, we collaborate.

When we expect—we judge, complain, and scrutinize. We do this when we operate in conflict with our highest self. When we give from obligation or to get something in return or to be appreciated or to be seen, we are craving—striving for approval from another human being. It is only our disharmony making us feel less than good. Once we own that, we trade desire for peace. When we accept—we understand, forgive, and empathize.

When we expect, we are serving ourselves; when we accept, we are serving our highest self, our source of all connection.

We can’t mistake what it means to serve one another. Often, we give most freely among all other constructs, our advice. We can’t expect someone to take kindly to advice they weren’t asking for—that’s like giving an answer to someone without their hand up. It won’t be received well because it can’t actually be received at all. Here again, our expectations let us down. When someone doesn’t take our advice or becomes defensive in its offering, we view this as yet another failure of return on investment. Acceptance is leading by example; it’s modeling peace, which is effortless. If it’s not effortless, it’s not peace. Peace is knowing you may have to hold onto the answer to the question that hasn’t been asked—this is what it really means to be other centered.

When it comes to ourselves, expecting is conditional; acceptance is unconditional. When we base how we feel about ourselves in comparison to others or as an is-ought fallacy—“occurring when the assumption is made that because things are a certain way, they should be that way,” we are marching to the beat of someone else’s drum and greatly limiting our potential. Acceptance is understanding we are here for a purpose and therefore come with a purpose—a choose your own adventure of sorts, where when harmonious with our highest self, we accept our fate, allowing us to see it to fruition. On a daily basis, when we limit our well being, our happiness, to our circumstances, we are setting ourselves up for failure—not the good kind either, where opportunities for growth occur. This is the kind of failure that gets stuck on repeat because the real failure is to love ourselves unconditionally—moment by moment.

Acceptance comes from intrinsic motivation, defined as, “belonging naturally.” We are created to give, to serve one another, and we are reminded throughout history of this simple fact. As Lao Tzu says, “Act without expectation.” Even in the face of those who are not like us or those who do not like us, a passage from the bible urges us to,  “love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back” (Luke 6:35). Maybe enemies sometimes refers to those aforementioned. Acceptance then is acceptance of our purpose. When we operate from a harmonious state within, we allow authentic connection with others—a sharing the wealth mentality.

More than any time of the year, birthdays are reflective periods. How lucky am I to share mine with Wilde and his words that resonate with every fiber of my being. I think he would agree, expecting is existing. Today I’m settling into the half way point between 30 and 40, perhaps the very start of adulthood and no better time to start accepting—to start living.