Bzz, Bzzz, Bzzzzzz Goes The Busy Bee. In Me. {Ch2}

 

I succumbed to the dense, unconscious, systemic, motorized life of doingness.

 

Work was my life.

 

Work was my worth.

 

Work was my distraction.

 

Work was my livelihood.

 

Work was where I felt belonging.

 

Work equated to accomplishment.

 

Work was my proof that I was successful.

 

Work was what I loved.

 

Work was my giving place.

 

Work was my time.  All of it.

 

Work consumed my mind.

 

Work was my joy.

 

I remember the times I excelled at work. There are so many of them. 

They all felt warm and inviting. 

To do more.

I was rewarded there, sometimes instantly with a smile, or acknowledgment. 

I felt valued. 

 

Until. The. Jealous. Ones. Fought. Back.

I remember they were all female.  No men. One was the igniter.

All hailed from a minority ethnic group.

They started the kindling, invited others in, and started a fire.

The fire spread.

No matter how prepared for my defense, I was.

 

I knew in my heart that I had incited the emotional and “mean girl” violence by succeeding in my work. 

 

My customers and peers liked me, asked for me on their projects, and wanted to succeed.

Whenever I was in need, though, not one came to save me as I would have for them.

 

The mean girls stirred up controversy.  Yet, they were not held accountable for failed projects and customers asking never to work with them again.  They won.

 

I got fired, laid off and even ostracized.  

The ultimate in feeling rejected.

The suffocating feeling of being treated like I was wrong.

The disgust of people being rewarded for being unjust and mean.

I did not understand that this was not about me, it was about them.

It felt like it was all about me.

I felt as though I was a consummate failure.

This fed my unworthiness even more to the point of being satiated.

 

And.  Then. I attracted more experiences of unworthiness to prove my worth.

 

I knew something was rumbling in my belly.  A knowing that reciprocity had to be a requirement in all of my relationships.  I knew reciprocity was a feeling and not something that could be tracked and logged like a checklist.  

 

Yet, I did not believe I could have reciprocity at work. 

Work had power over me, as did the people at work.

 

I always found something else, some other work to keep me busy.

But I stayed in that workplace because I liked and thrived with the leadership of my manager.

Until the reorganization of the company and a new manager.

I still stayed.  Thinking. This is Temporary.

Even though other opportunities presented themselves. 

Even though there were signs that this work needed to end.

Ginormous honking red flashing signs saying Leave. 

This Manager is Not For You. 

He is Unhealthy For You. 

You Will Not. Thrive.

Be.cause.

I was supposed to stay and make it work out. 

I was supposed to suck it up and just keep doing. The Busy.

 

But this was the last time.

The first time was in my first year in the United States in elementary school. One blond got mad because I borrowed a pencil and forgot to return it that same day.  The next day, she had instigated and pooled other “mean girls” into ganging up on me after school. While I was walking home, they piled on top of me while the blond pummelled her cold, hard, fist into my belly.  That was my first introduction to a lack of kindness, understanding, patience, compassion, and resolution through dialogue in this country.

 

Instead of being the victim.

Instead of having conversations to make it work out.

I fought with all my might.

Even. Though. I. Was. Exhausted.

Drained of all my fight.

I fought. Some. More.

 

But nothing changed. Charisma and charm won the day.

And here I was. Again. Without work.

 

But. This. Time.

I was clear.

My values = Love. Harmony. Reciprocity. Flow.

These are my guiding lights. 

Being First. Then Doing.

 

I had to give up on being right.

And instead, keep doing the right thing.

 

You are not defined by your work or your job.

Said. The voice. In. My. Head.

 

I felt like I had no identity. 

I felt lost, unworthy, and like an utter failure as I laid like a sack of smelly rotting potatoes on the floor.

 

Three days and nights passed.

 

I grabbed a bottle of wine, and a bottle of water.

I popped the cork out of the wine bottle. And drank.

Three gulps.

A sip of water.

Two sips of sweet wine.

Alas, I feel the warmth again. 

The sensation of no worries.

Hakuna Matata baby.

Hakuna Matata.

1. Feel. Good.

Finally.

Then sweet sleep.

Eight hours passed by.

It is dark outside.

I rolled my eyes and walked to the kitchen.

For another bottle of sweet forgetting wine followed by another slumber.

 

There are no troubles. 

The voice said.

You create, you destroy. 

Get conscious of your thinking, you must.

 

Get up. Get Being.

Said. The voice. In. My. Head.

 

Where am I being?  I asked.

 

Not at work. Said the voice with a slight and gentle giggle.

Work is doing.  It is time for you to do Being.

 

Being here. With yourself. Now.

Who you are is being revealed. Now.

You are not defined by society.

You are not defined by work.

You are not defined by tradition.

You are not defined by religion.

You are not defined by role models.

You are not defined by anything outside of yourself.

You are defined by YoU!

 

First. Know This.

Your thoughts create.  

Your thoughts become your reality.

Your thinking has created your experiences.  

Said the voice.

 

How?  I asked.

 

Ah, that is a good question, said the voice.

Everything you think about yourself, you give permission to others to think.

You give them amplified power to act in ways that do not honor your highest good.

Become conscious of your self-thinking. Now. And. Onward.

 

One. More. Thing. Said the voice.

You say you want to have a loving relationship that lasts. 

Yet you have put your family and loved ones on the shelf, and elevated the people at work in your life for too long.  Your attention and focus have all been on work. 

 

Why?  Asked the voice.

 

I have been working myself so hard to prove that I am worthy as a female, as a brown girl in a white world, to my parents, and who knows who else.  I also have continued getting degrees and certifications for the same reason. The money I have invested in all of that originated from a place of scarcity and lack within me.

 

Much like a worker bee.

Worker bees are female. They are not capable of reproduction.

They do all the work in the hive, and they control most of what goes on inside.

They float around as needed in their roles of housekeeper, feeding the queen, feeding the babies (larvae) and other bees, collecting food (pollen and nectar), and making wax.

 

Yes. That. Sounds. Like. Busy. Bee. Me.

 

Has that worked out for you?  Said. The voice.

 

It does not feel that way right now.

I see that my family will always be by my side, whether or not they agree with my choices, they are there for me.  I see that no one in any of the workplaces I have invested time, energy, sweat, and tears is by my side, for the long haul called life. 

 

I see that I have been on a path of learning.  Learning about love or what is it not truth be told.

 

I see that work contracts are a different type of sacred contract.  They are not life long. They are constrained to that environment. They are singly focused.  They are a small part of life. They are not my life but do provide for a life of my choosing and creation.

 

I can choose to see work as my life or I can see it as a part of my life.

 

What are you choosing now? Asked the voice.

 

Work is a part of my life.  It is not my life.

I choose loving, reciprocal, and honoring relationships.

I choose to communicate with grace as I create my life and relationships.

 

I see all the qualities I brought to work, are part of me but are not me.  The one that sticks out the most is my caring and love of people. For them to be at their best.  For them to feel good. For them to succeed. And. My uncanny ability to draw out the best in people.

 

Yes. You see, those are your talents in groups.  But they are not YoU.

 

Where am I?  I asked. The voice.

 

Nowhere. Now. Here. You are already here.

 

What do you mean?  I asked.

You now are aware of yourself. Therefore, you are now here.

 

What do you see?  Asked the voice.

I have been operating from a place of unworthiness, of lack.  I get involved with people and buy things that I perceive will create love and belonging.  That is why I stayed in school and kept getting more degrees and certifications. To make others see my brilliance.

 

Did they. See. It?  Asked the voice.

 

They used it.  They did not see it.

 

How does that feel? Asked the voice.

 

Man.i.pulated.

 

How do you think you learned this?  This push to prove your worth? Asked the voice.

 

It started in society and culture.  It is insidious.

Women are supposed to be subservient and caretakers of their families.  Combine that with the dichotomy of parents loving to brag about their kids in their social circles.  Who is the best at this and that? They don’t say my daughter is the most obedient and the best cook in this town.  They say, my daughter, graduated first in her class.

 

I see I have wasted many years of my life focusing on doing. Being. Busy. I was operating from the unconscious, automatic, programmed, doing. 

 

You were simply trained for Outer Awareness. Said the voice.

So, you can see clearly. Now.

There. Is. No. Waste.

 

Flashing. Yellow. Light. Bulb.

I realized my self-worth deprecation is tied to the generational, traditional, cultural, antiquated norms of an Indian female.  

  

Now, you are on a path of Inner Awareness while also having Outer Awareness.  Without the need to prove worth.

 

YoU are a Goddess in human form.  

Be that. Do that. See that. Love that. Live that.

 

Are you ready? Asks the voice.

 

I am ready for this experiment. I call life.

 

What have you learned about the energy of proving worth? Asks the voice.

 

Worth equals lack.

 

I now see that when I feel pulled towards something, I can ask if it is coming from a place of lack.   I now choose to say no to anything that comes from a space of lack. I now choose to reorient myself to be and do everything in my life from a space of love and belonging.  I now know if I don’t feel love and belonging, then I should say no or just wait. This is my success strategy and my superpower.

 

It all originates from me.

My energy.

My thoughts.

My feelings.

I can own them and have dominion over them.

I choose my energy.

I choose my thoughts.

I choose my feelings.

 

Choose The Love Mindset

 

I can choose love instead of fear.

I can choose affluence instead of lack.

I can choose peace instead of fight.

I am my own chooser.

 

Give your heart dominion and grace.

Give your heart the power.

 

Release your mind from the stronghold.

Rest your mind. It is exhausted.

It is not here to do all the work for you.

You have been taught to use your mind for everything.

Stop now.

Lean on your heart.

It is pumping and waiting for you.

To Love YoU.

When you feel less than your highest good self, name the feeling and then choose love.

Once you choose love, you will know how to be and what to do next.

Trust Love.

Have complete faith in Love.

Know Love.

Open your heart widely.

To Know Self.

To have joy and ease.

In your life.

This is your brilliance.

This is where your genius lives.

This is your radiance.

This is your light.

This is your message.  

This is your calling.

This is your purpose.

This is what you are here to do, be, and guide others to do and be.

 

I acknowledge Dr. William Glasser, whose life’s work was about living from a place of choice and shifting from external to internal motivation.  I thank him for the naming of my superpower – “love and belonging”. He calls them needs, I call them superpowers. I know deep in my ever thumping heart that I thrive when love and belonging are present. I know it is a feeling and sensing thing, not a doing thing. 

 

For. Me. And You.

 

You are complete.  Said. The. Voice.

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