This month’s blog post is a difficult one to write as it again reminds me of the profound loss our family suffered earlier this year as sadly my Mom passed away in June. November 4th is my birthday and for the first time in my entire life, I saw it pass without my Mother or my Father.

I’m not really even sure how to put into words what it feels like to experience a birthday without either one of them and I know many of you have experienced the same thing. My Dad died 29 years ago so I had gotten pretty used to having my birthday come and go without him but every year, no matter how far away I might have been, Mom was always the first one to call. But this year, for the first time ever, her call never came.

Now don’t get me wrong, I was extremely blessed to receive many well-wishes, Happy Birthday sentiments and expressions of love from near and far but nothing anyone said or did could replace hearing her voice sing the Happy Birthday song on the other end of the phone followed by the conversation we would always have about what my birthday plans were.

When I woke up that Monday morning, I reached over to the nightstand in a sleepy, not-quite-awake moment and for a split second, was hoping to see a voicemail notification from her on my phone. When the screen was blank and again I actually realized she was gone, I began to grieve all over again.

I just laid there and cried like I was a four year old girl, not the 49 year old woman I had just become. It’s strange that no matter how old we are, there’s nothing like the celebration of the day we were born, the anticipation leading up to it and the part our parents play in it.

Fortunately for me, my birthdays were always filled with presents, cake and overwhelming love from friends and family. It’s always been one of the most important days in my life let alone in the lives of my parents.

My Mom and Dad were the entire reason I even had a “birth”day to celebrate and sometimes I think they actually enjoyed the day more than I did. However the reality of not having either one of them here with me this year was almost too much to bear.

I prayed more that on this 49th birthday than I have on any other. I prayed for God to lift the sadness from me, I prayed for the strength to come to terms with their absence and I prayed to continue living a life I know they would both be proud of.