Its been seven months, three weeks, 2 days and 6 hours since you left us. I had no idea how life would change when you took your last breath here on earth. Mama, I must admit that some nights I sleep with the lights on because I can see you smiling and laughing so clearly that I cannot be alone in the dark. I  refuse to let myself dwell on our tumultuous years. Through all my horrid actions and words your unwavering compassionate motherly love and prayers kept me safe. Who will pray for me now Mama? Who? I used to open your closet just to smell your clothes. Dad needed them gone. Not to forget, but to somehow heal. One day, out of the blue I told him “I need you to bring me those boxes then leave for awhile”. He followed my requests just as he always did yours. I sat on the patio. I smoked. I cursed. I begged. I cried. I prayed. Then I got down to business. A calm stillness came over me, I know it was you, and as I folded your clothes just perfectly and packed them in the boxes I spoke to you as if you somehow needed assurance that we were not packing “you” away. I had an enveloping warm comfort that you were telling me “Do what you need to do to move on. It’s fine”. I handled that difficult task, but was not in such a healthy place the next three days. I’ve had to really get accustomed to riding this roller coaster called “grief”. I can be laughing as if the funniest joke were told, the next minute crying hot tears and unable to catch my breath. I thought people were mad when saying “I still find things I want to tell my Mother”. Now it is I who am mad as numerous times daily the thought of “I must tell Mom that” wiz through my head and broken heart. Our first Thanksgiving without you passed. I made it. Now as we enter into the time of Noel, Christmas, your favorite time of year, I lay in bed daily and attempt to devise ways to get through this season without you. I regret so that I didn’t watch you make the dressing. I knew in my heart that would be you turning the torch over to me, and Mama I was not ready. Life has been so hard without you, my best friend to ring multiple times a day for quirky conversations or gossip  tidbits. I found you’d kept every card we ever gave you. You were considerate enough of my loss not to display my daughter’s cards, even though I know you wanted to. I’ve not been the same since May 2, 2019 at 5:10pm. I doubt I ever will be. Women who’ve walked in my shoes say the pain never goes away, you simply learn how to live with it. Everyone tells me if I want to see you just look in the mirror, and I do find myself catching glances of you in my reflection. I have your hands and your voice. I need your faith and determination. I’ve lost my belief in the magic of Christmas this year Mama. I’m sorry. I still flash that fake smile and laugh as people approach me. Then I cry silently alone at night. Life is hard without you Mama. No one seems the same. We are now all strangers trying to rearrange our broken pieces to resemble something familiar to life. I doubt we’ll all do it together. I do know that as we all go our separate ways you will be the one tie that binds us. You held all our secrets safe and locked inside your mothers heart, all the while none of us knew each other. You’d be so disappointed with our family dynamic right now. But you’d never show it. You’d quietly take your concerns to your higher power and leave them there. I am lost without you. I feel like a grade school child reaching for Mommys hand only to be forced apart to let go. Sleep eludes us as we pass in the hall. Dreams of you come frequently to me, but leave me sad. You once said we shouldn’t be so engrossed in each other’s lives, that one day there would only be one of us. I wanted so badly to marry, graduate college and make you proud. I didn’t realize time would run out so soon before I could accomplish these goals. The only way I can face a new day is to act as if you are watching me go about my duties. I now strive to carry myseld as the woman you raised me to be. I sit on the patio and talk to you alot and as I do several times a bright red cardinal has appeared or a yellow butterfly. You hear me Mom and you see me. I just wish you were sitting here with me. I once grew under your heart, now you live in mine. Forever until we meet again.