Here we are, stuck choosing between a maybe baby, or our dreams.

These are some of our options to avoid this potential scenario.

• A) A pill that has synthetic hormones, placing a coo in effect on woman’s body into running as if it is already pregnant. There fore not being able to fall authentically pregnant (maybe). 

Don’t worry though, your only side effects are; severe mood swings, acne, hair loss, weight gain. I once sat in a doctors office desperate to find a contraceptive that didn’t allow me to lose control of my well functioning body. (I suffer from severe mood swings, and depression from the pills I have tried) He looked me in the eye saying, “Those side effects aren’t so bad. Maybe after a few months of trying many different kinds, you will find which one works for you.”

Yeah, you know what? I would love to buy a one way ticket to losing my shit for 6 months.

• B) A tube of hormones that they inject in you, lasting for 3 months. Which if those side effects I listed in option A occur, you can’t take it out. But hey! at least you don’t have to take a pill everyday at the same time each day and if you forget shame on you. Or as I’ve heard from many stories of women’s boyfriends “ HOW COULD YOU FORGET?!” I don’t know derek, how the fuck do you forget to put the toilette seat down after a piss? 

1. C) This one may perhaps be one of my favourites, The Marino, or Copper IUD. A fork like wire inserted inside of your vagina, the sacred hole to your inner sanctuary of light.

One is full of hormones (my favourite) to again pull the coo. Honestly to any woman who are seriously considering this, I plead desperately with you to do some of your own deep research into it. The side effects after you take it out can be devastating, and take a very long time to subside and may not ever.

The other, just copper. “old school” no hormones. mostly effective. Side effects for me were that I bled for three months non stop. Leading me to be severely anemic, not being able to perform at my normal level in sports, work, and relationships. Many of days spent laying on the couch looking like a half dead zombie witch. I spent three years after clearing my body of any and all birth control to feel my hormones normalize.

So at this point if your me, you find every one of these options fucking bullshit, and begin the track, pull, and pray method. Where after a couple years of tracking your cycle, maybe you have got it pretty down to when you are and are not ovulating. Basically you have two weeks of each month to have non consequential sex (hopefully).

Here’s the thing, I have dreams that soar high up in the sky that so help me god I am going to achieve, and no, a child at this time does not fit into that picture. I know I’m such a wench for being a young woman with big dick dreams.

A little image for you to draw up in your head, and further your womansolation. Each day I wake up teeth dripping with ambition to make these dreams reality, some days I take leaps towards them, some an inch. Never am I stagnant. 

 Some days my bank account is at 80$ my payments in the next week are over 1000$, and I have to find a way to make that 940$ happen. I show up each time and make it fucking happen ( with a hell of a lot of trust), all the while keeping my course to success. 

Wait, shit, I think to myself admits the beautiful chaos that is my life. Why am I unbearably bloated, exhausted, slightly depressed, my breasts throb and have somehow miraculously grown two sizes. It hits me, I’m late, fuck! This is followed by this thought process.

I don’t want to know, not yet, I’ll wait until the end of the week, if I am I still have time for options, I don’t need the stress of a certain answer yet. Fear, fear, fear, fear.

Do I call him to tell him if I am? What if he doesn’t want an abortion? How do I walk through treating him as an equal and being true to myself with integrity? Shit, should I just call him now, ugh what if I’m not? 

Okay, so if I am I’m most likely going to have another abortion, my heart begins to clench at the idea of it.

Yes, I say this honourably, if I fell pregnant again at this time in my life, I would go through another abortion– now is a selfish time for me to bring a sparkling joyful spirit into my world. Through this process I walk alone, I don’t wish to call my friends and hear advice. Almost instinctively my first desire is to call him, the he that doesn’t know he in this with me. The he that a few days ago we walked away from each other, Now I crave that hims’ council. This is my selfish thought, and one I do not do. I will not unnecessarily worry another, especially another who couldn’t be there when it was easy.

So I trudge through it alone, pushing those thoughts down far enough that I only choke a little, and show the fuck up for myself. 

In everything I do it’s always lingering in the background, the what ifs, this process I know well. My soul cries, I stroke her hair consoling her as she thrashes, together we make it through the week.

Right as I’m about to drive myself to go pee on that fortune stick I see it, Mother Nature to my rescue! My hero, Oh thank fucking god, relief drops over me like a mothers blanket. No eggo in my uterus today !