“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.” ~ Cheryl Richardson

~

Reflecting on the time I refused to rock the boat:

Stir the pot. Ruffle feathers.
I didn’t dare to disappoint.
Hurt him. Let them down.
Instead, I sacrificed.
Myself. My Soul. My Sanity.
And for what?
Their comfort? Their security? Their safety?
I set aside my worth.
Devalued my values.
Traded my power for his purpose and pleasure.
My tongue bound tightly with fear.

Then, the moment came.
A moment I longed for as much as I dreaded.
Wedged between my stories…and my truth.
Barely treading in compromised wants and needs.
So, so tired.
If I didn’t act, I’d drown.
Simmering in anxiety, I screamed for help.
No one could hear me.
I felt my echoing pain and panic
The only person to save me was myself.

Then the trembling began.
Rising from within, a strength began to bubble to the surface.
With every breath, I felt more brave.
All I had to do was utter the sentence I’d been replaying over and over again in my mind.
The step—so simple, yet so scary.
Freedom. I could almost taste it.
It wasn’t right verses wrong or winning versus losing.
This was a form of survival.
I was ready to release.

I will never forget the moment.
I stopped fighting.
I surrendered my fear.
I took one final breath of the person I was and brought to life the person I was becoming
I gave myself permission to fully be me.

And then…
I said it.
I owned it.
I rose above it.
My spirit soared!
The words I held so tightly to the tip of my tongue, finally tangible. My truth, brought to life.
He looked at me, eyes darting in disbelief.
He didn’t know the extent of my pain. How could he?
I hadn’t been honest with myself; I hadn’t been honest with him.

But now, the strength of my voice initiated a long overdue separation.
Like an ax splitting a log of wood.
Reality, shifted.
No longer a prisoner of self-inflicted pain, I rewrote the story.
My story.
As I released the goddess within, she collapsed to the floor, exhausted with serenity.
My inner voice vanished.
My inner warrior savored her victory.
No longer would my silence keep me so small.
A smiled crept across my face.
A weight off my shoulders.
A huge breath of air.

I rocked the boat. I was free.